Enough

These past couple weeks have been stupid and I’m done. I’m claiming victory in Jesus Christ.

Why I Might Go To Hell

The reason why I could go to Hell isn’t what most conservatives would think. I’m not going to Hell because next year I plan to lie with a woman as a man. Although, if she were a man, I wouldn’t be lying with her. ‘Cuz… gross. It’s not because I don’t attend church every Sunday or because I don’t read the Bible every day. No, none of these. My ticket to Hell is my struggle with is the two greatest commandments.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.”    ~Mark 12:30-31 NIV

I struggle with both of these. I do love God with all my heart and soul. Or so I would like to believe. But how can I love God if I can’t keep His second commandment?

For the past four years, that command has been tested to its absolute limits and beyond. How can I love a man who had manipulated the sweetest and most loving soul to a point where she believed she wasn’t worthy of anything. Or a man who allows his mother to call his 11-year-old daughter a bitch. The same man who criticizes his 12-year-old son of his weight. How am I suppose to love this narcissistic sociopath?

You see, the problem is that signed up for this as soon as I accepted Jesus into my heart. I must love God and love other as I love myself. Damn. Why didn’t I meet this man when I hated myself back in my teenage years and early twenties. I’d be off the hook, right?

I seethe hatred every time I hear of his escapades and tyrants. It’s not healthy. I’ve never hated anyone in my life until this man. What’s sad is that this hatred is like a gateway drug. Now that I’ve allowed hate into my life, it’s so much easier to hate others as well. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want this hate allowed into my heart no matter how justified I feel it is.

So, how do I do it? I did a little research on what it means to love your neighbor when they are completely unlovable. I checked out some Christian websites and blogs. A lot of these featured stories of people who are “unlovable” like the neighbor who gossips or the neighbor that doesn’t mow their lawn. Really? I need real answers about real unlovables!

Even though I felt the unlovable neighbors not all that unlovable, the themes were all the same. We are to serve them. I am at a loss. I don’t even know where to begin with that. Then I read one blog post that added that we should pray for them. Prayer. That’s where I should start.

I have almost ten months to get this in check. I have ten months of preparation, of prayer, and of reading scripture. ‘Cuz the only the Lord knows how I can accomplish this.

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How would you love your neighbor if you felt they were unlovable?

Blessings and Curses: Revisited

This week’s post has morphed into many different versions. After this past Sunday’s sermon at church, I think that this will be the best possible version to convey how I truly feel.

Way back in March of 2016, I was still attending my sister’s church. On one particular Sunday, we had a guest speaker because the regular pastors were in Hawaii. The guest speaker was the former pastor of the church and he is an older gentleman. And he loved preaching the fire and brimstone stuff (Blessings and Curses).  This sermon has resonated so strongly within me that I still reflect upon the whole idea of God’s blessings and curses even nearly a year after that sermon.

But it wasn’t until recently that I started to really think about how it affects my daily life and my life with God.  And I seem to have an annual “Is God really real?/What is the meaning of life?” showdown with myself.  (Which I believe is completely healthy for Christians and should be done.)  I was having a hard time grasping the existence of God from reading the actual Bible. I have found that I question God more when I’m reading the Bible. It’s so contradictory that it can be maddening. Then people of faith would just tell me “God is bigger than what makes sense.”  Which I find to be a cop out. But that’s just me.

I started to think like how fellow blogger Family Values Lesbian (I miss that girl’s postings. I hope she’s doing well with her new marriage.) thought of God.  He is like a clock maker.  He created everything and left the rest up to us.  At this point, I, also, started comparing lives. I started thinking of those who are blessed and those who are cursed.

If you really look at it, it seems as though God does not only bless the Christians and He does not only curse the sinners.  A woman of devout faith can be stricken with pancreatic cancer and die within months.  The most despicable human being can be granted the best health and long life.  So the Clock Maker God was a viable option.  It seemed like it didn’t matter who you are, blessings and curses are random and they just happen.

Not long after I started adopting this particular theology, we had a sermon at the church I am currently attending about the God we choose to believe in.  Pastor Travis said that we could choose to believe in a Clock Maker God but that’s not who He is.  Jesus came down to earth to tell us exactly what God’s character is.  He is a loving God that longs to be in fellowship with us.

This past Sunday, Pastor Dan spoke about how Christians get tied up in the logistics of Christianity. We learn to translate the Hebrew and the Greek words. We memorize the laws but we never just sit down and have a relationship with God.

With all of that information, I choose to believe in a God that loves us.  I chose to believe that He knows my name.  I, also, believe that God doesn’t bless us because we are Christians and doesn’t curse because we are sinners.  My theory is that being a Christian should make us better at handling both blessings and curses so that our lives are glorified in His name.  So, I guess I believe in a little bit of both theology standpoints.

All I know is that I am a Child of God and it’s a wonderful thing to be.

Love Always Wins

Art from Thursdays at the Coffeeshop The way of propositional politics in the hands of fallen men always crushes the people it was meant to restore. It weaponizes an idea into picket signs, angry rants, loud bloggers, hapless trolls, and mob mentality. Our minds are so Pavlovian-conditioned to lock people into categories that we forget: […]

via The Only Credibility We Have Left. — J.S. Park

Shared from WordPress

The Worst of Me, the Best of Me. – http://wp.me/peHXC-4TJ

“God Is In Control” Doesn’t Let Us Off the Hook — J.S. Park

Yes, Christians, “God is in control so don’t worry” and all those other cold comforts that we throw around. No, Christians, that doesn’t absolve you of being an ambassador of healing and reconciliation and actually leaning into the legitimate fears and anxieties and grief of many people. You ain’t fooling anybody with this “God is […]

via “God Is In Control” Doesn’t Let Us Off the Hook — J.S. Park

I Am No Longer A Gay Christian — Butch Please

Guest post by Kat. I have been struggling most of my life trying to reconcile my faith and my sexuality. Most recently, it’s been Hell on Earth. When I came out about a year ago, I felt closer to God. I accepted who He created me to be. Then the humans interceded. My Christian friends…

via I Am No Longer A Gay Christian — Butch Please

Check out my guest post on Butch Please! And also follow this blog! It’s amazing!

Update: Losing My Religion

Going to my old church was a little bit nerve wracking. I questioned myself and I didn’t know if this was something that I was truly supposed to be doing. I was thinking of my future. I was thinking of when EJ comes here to visit. I didn’t want her to come to church with me and feel immediately awkward and I didn’t want people in the congregation to feel distracted by us being there. I figured at my old church we could be hidden. It’s a big enough church that we wouldn’t be really in the watchful eyes of others.

I was so nervous this morning that I was shaking. I’m not sure why I was nervous. I was at that church for a long time. I know some of the people (namely my sister’s best friend) and I knew what to expect. I always loved the sermons there and people were always very friendly.

The service started and I noticed the worship wasn’t as lively as my sister’s church. Oh great! And this was one of the things I complained to her about. I really didn’t like the worship over there because it seemed a bit sloppy and hard to follow. When we are singing contemporary songs that I don’t know by heart that is a bit distracting. I miss singing hymnals. I know those by heart. Then they started singing a hymnal! YES! I was so excited and I sang that the loudest and it seemed the congregation sang louder as well. That really helped my heart.

The message was very good. The scriptures were Nehemiah 1:1-11. This was funny to me because I listened to a message at my sister’s church that covered the entire chapter of Nehemiah. I was very interested in what the theme was going to be and if was going to be any different.

The title of the message was “Ordinary World Changers.” I love stories like these! I love hearing about God choosing ordinary people to do extraordinary things. The pastor gave three different characteristics of an ordinary world changer. And the basic theme was that even though there is a lot in this world that we feel needs to be fixed and we don’t feel like we can fix it all, we can fix what’s happening in our corner in the world.

Think of something that God is putting a burden on you to change. Something that breaks your heart and causes you to weep. Something that you cry out “SOMEONE HAS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!” And if nobody is going to do anything about it, it could be because God is waiting on you to help out.

We are here for more than just earthly successes. We are here to change the world. This message reminds me of some lyrics in a song called “Wheelz Fall Off (’05 Til)” by Kidz in the Hall.

Jesus ain’t died for me to drive a Lexus/
He died for me to change the world/

Be the ordinary person to do something extraordinary. Change the corner of your world.

Wheelz Fall Off (’05 Til) by Kidz in the Hall

Losing My Religion

I’ve been going to my sister’s church for a very long time. My spiritual life is much like my home life. What I mean by this is I get antsy after awhile and have a strong desire to find a different location. I am a nomadic Christian. This is usually happens when church leaders start recognizing me. Which translates to “since you’re here all the time, let’s give you some duties.”

My sister told me last Sunday after the “Pow-wow” (gathering of kids and parents to discuss the sermon after the service) that the pastors want myself and another parent to start leading them from time to time. *tires screeching* Hold up. Looks like it’s time for a new church.

I understand that you are supposed not only get something from church but also give. I should be serving the church after awhile. But I just don’t want to. Perhaps I have church commitment issues. Even before the sis told me about that, I was already looking into another church.

I talked to EJ about going to the Presbyterian Church downtown because they are “gay friendly.” I went to their website and things looked pretty good. I read their beliefs and I have the same beliefs. I told her that I would listen to the sermons this week. We also looked at different Presbyterian churches in Wellington as well for when I move there. There was in Waikanae which is not far from where she lives.

So, I actually started listening to the sermons at work instead of my usual music. The first sermon was pretty good. The pastor just preached what I felt all along. This is great! I might have found a new church home. He wasn’t very passionate but that’s ok. And after about the 5th sermon, I really couldn’t take anymore. He was so boring and he pretty much had the same message over and over. Love. Service to the Community. Love. Service to the Community. OK! I get it! After all that, I decided that maybe I should go back to the Church of God that I was attending before I went to the Foursquare I attend now.

SBF goes to that church and I sent her a text that I might want to go back. She sent me a text “Why?” I thought to myself, do I tell her my commitment issues? I just decided to tell her the edited truth that sis’s church is so far away and I miss the pastor’s sermons. Which those points are true but it’s mostly because I want to fly in under the radar. My old church is biggish. And it’s easy to get lost in the crowd. I remember when I was having my kidney surgery one of our associate pastors was the chaplain and he asked me if I go to church. I said, “Yeah. Your church.” Egg meet face. LOL!

My oldest sister suggested I go to another church downtown. Her sister-in-law loves it. I went online to look it up. It doesn’t have a religion after the name of the church so I decided to read what their beliefs are. *scroll* Mhmm… *scroll* Hmmm… that’s just a little vague. I listened to one of their podcasts to see if I could get more information. Baptists. *shudders* That will be a triple NOPE for me!

Plus, I have huge issues with Foursquare Pentecostal. Because I was raised in a small church like my sis’s, it has unfortunately left a bad taste in my mouth and I often feel on defensive cuz they love the fire and brimstone messages. And anytime I have issue with the messages, my sister just says that I must be feeling convicted. No. When you get slapped on your hand really hard, you start to wince at every moment.

I’ve mentioned this before… but I HATE religion. I just HATE it. But I love the idea of the church. I love being taught and learning lessons and such. But let the Spirit guide me, not a human.

I’m really trying hard to not be a 37 year old scared of her sister. I am the baby sister so it’s been like this since the dawn of my time. I know that I need confidence. Because when I go to her with a weak will, she’ll just talk me out of whatever my decision is and that’s that. She almost talked me out of moving to New Zealand.

I told her last night that I’m going to go to the Church of God. And she took it well. I know it’s hard for her because she thinks she knows what is best for me. I love her very much for looking out for me. But it’s really my life.

My life… physically, emotionally, spiritually… my life. She has no clue what I am feeling and how everything affects me. I need to look out for me and my well-being. Now if I could only walk the walk…

Just When I Think My Life is Figured Out…

I have a set back.  I didn’t go to church this morning.  I felt that it was best that I had some one on one time with God.

Last night, as I was perusing the blogs in my lesbian tag, I came across some Conservative Christian blogs. They spoke of nothing new. They spoke of us gays burning in hellfire and damnation for all of eternity. Standard Old Testament type stuff.  But for some reason it sent me into a struggle. I went back to my old ways of thinking. The emotions of shame and guilt came flooding in. I became paralyzed in this way of thinking.

EJ was still asleep from having a late night and so I turned to the second person I have on my panic tree. She is like a mother to me. She knew I was gay before I even accepted it myself. She knows my struggles with faith and sexuality. I knew she could turn me back around.

I unloaded on her. And her response was amazing!

There are so many ways I could take this convo but the way I feel strongest about is LOVE YOURSELF!!! I never hear you judging yet you let yourself be judged. Accept yourself and be proud of who you are.

I really do hate that I question myself when I read about what other men think of my situation. The blogger claimed to open his mind and prayed to God that if homosexuality was right then to show him. He said that it was not right. I couldn’t help but to mutter under my breath “liar.”

There was another about how being homosexual is unnatural. Yes. It’s unnatural to you. But after being with EJ, I don’t know why I thought being with men was natural. I was living a half life as I’ve said many times in this blog. And I will probably say it again. Because I know this is not going to be my last time I struggle with this. Fortunately, for me these times are being coming further apart. And this is because I have accepted myself and I have the love of a wonderful woman.

I always feel anger and shame and guilt when I am being taught by man. But when I sit with God by myself and read the Good News. The Gospel of grace and forgiveness. I can always hear a voice say to me that I am loved. I am important. I have been perfectly created in His sight. Nothing can take my relationship from me.

Having that one on one time with Him renewed my soul. I am happy to be me! I am happy to have Him!

Besides, if He didn’t want me to like girls, He shouldn’t create such hot lesbians.