These past couple weeks have been stupid and I’m done. I’m claiming victory in Jesus Christ.
The reason why I could go to Hell isn’t what most conservatives would think. I’m not going to Hell because next year I plan to lie with a woman as a man. Although, if she were a man, I wouldn’t be lying with her. ‘Cuz… gross. It’s not because I don’t attend church every Sunday or because I don’t read the Bible every day. No, none of these. My ticket to Hell is my struggle with is the two greatest commandments.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” ~Mark 12:30-31 NIV
I struggle with both of these. I do love God with all my heart and soul. Or so I would like to believe. But how can I love God if I can’t keep His second commandment?
For the past four years, that command has been tested to its absolute limits and beyond. How can I love a man who had manipulated the sweetest and most loving soul to a point where she believed she wasn’t worthy of anything. Or a man who allows his mother to call his 11-year-old daughter a bitch. The same man who criticizes his 12-year-old son of his weight. How am I suppose to love this narcissistic sociopath?
You see, the problem is that signed up for this as soon as I accepted Jesus into my heart. I must love God and love other as I love myself. Damn. Why didn’t I meet this man when I hated myself back in my teenage years and early twenties. I’d be off the hook, right?
I seethe hatred every time I hear of his escapades and tyrants. It’s not healthy. I’ve never hated anyone in my life until this man. What’s sad is that this hatred is like a gateway drug. Now that I’ve allowed hate into my life, it’s so much easier to hate others as well. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want this hate allowed into my heart no matter how justified I feel it is.
So, how do I do it? I did a little research on what it means to love your neighbor when they are completely unlovable. I checked out some Christian websites and blogs. A lot of these featured stories of people who are “unlovable” like the neighbor who gossips or the neighbor that doesn’t mow their lawn. Really? I need real answers about real unlovables!
Even though I felt the unlovable neighbors not all that unlovable, the themes were all the same. We are to serve them. I am at a loss. I don’t even know where to begin with that. Then I read one blog post that added that we should pray for them. Prayer. That’s where I should start.
I have almost ten months to get this in check. I have ten months of preparation, of prayer, and of reading scripture. ‘Cuz the only the Lord knows how I can accomplish this.
How would you love your neighbor if you felt they were unlovable?
This week’s post has morphed into many different versions. After this past Sunday’s sermon at church, I think that this will be the best possible version to convey how I truly feel.
Way back in March of 2016, I was still attending my sister’s church. On one particular Sunday, we had a guest speaker because the regular pastors were in Hawaii. The guest speaker was the former pastor of the church and he is an older gentleman. And he loved preaching the fire and brimstone stuff (Blessings and Curses). This sermon has resonated so strongly within me that I still reflect upon the whole idea of God’s blessings and curses even nearly a year after that sermon.
But it wasn’t until recently that I started to really think about how it affects my daily life and my life with God. And I seem to have an annual “Is God really real?/What is the meaning of life?” showdown with myself. (Which I believe is completely healthy for Christians and should be done.) I was having a hard time grasping the existence of God from reading the actual Bible. I have found that I question God more when I’m reading the Bible. It’s so contradictory that it can be maddening. Then people of faith would just tell me “God is bigger than what makes sense.” Which I find to be a cop out. But that’s just me.
I started to think like how fellow blogger Family Values Lesbian (I miss that girl’s postings. I hope she’s doing well with her new marriage.) thought of God. He is like a clock maker. He created everything and left the rest up to us. At this point, I, also, started comparing lives. I started thinking of those who are blessed and those who are cursed.
If you really look at it, it seems as though God does not only bless the Christians and He does not only curse the sinners. A woman of devout faith can be stricken with pancreatic cancer and die within months. The most despicable human being can be granted the best health and long life. So the Clock Maker God was a viable option. It seemed like it didn’t matter who you are, blessings and curses are random and they just happen.
Not long after I started adopting this particular theology, we had a sermon at the church I am currently attending about the God we choose to believe in. Pastor Travis said that we could choose to believe in a Clock Maker God but that’s not who He is. Jesus came down to earth to tell us exactly what God’s character is. He is a loving God that longs to be in fellowship with us.
This past Sunday, Pastor Dan spoke about how Christians get tied up in the logistics of Christianity. We learn to translate the Hebrew and the Greek words. We memorize the laws but we never just sit down and have a relationship with God.
With all of that information, I choose to believe in a God that loves us. I chose to believe that He knows my name. I, also, believe that God doesn’t bless us because we are Christians and doesn’t curse because we are sinners. My theory is that being a Christian should make us better at handling both blessings and curses so that our lives are glorified in His name. So, I guess I believe in a little bit of both theology standpoints.
All I know is that I am a Child of God and it’s a wonderful thing to be.
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