Posted in Adulthood, God

Why I Might Go To Hell

The reason why I could go to Hell isn’t what most conservatives would think. I’m not going to Hell because next year I plan to lie with a woman as a man. Although, if she were a man, I wouldn’t be lying with her. ‘Cuz… gross. It’s not because I don’t attend church every Sunday or because I don’t read the Bible every day. No, none of these. My ticket to Hell is my struggle with is the two greatest commandments.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.”    ~Mark 12:30-31 NIV

I struggle with both of these. I do love God with all my heart and soul. Or so I would like to believe. But how can I love God if I can’t keep His second commandment?

For the past four years, that command has been tested to its absolute limits and beyond. How can I love a man who had manipulated the sweetest and most loving soul to a point where she believed she wasn’t worthy of anything. Or a man who allows his mother to call his 11-year-old daughter a bitch. The same man who criticizes his 12-year-old son of his weight. How am I suppose to love this narcissistic sociopath?

You see, the problem is that signed up for this as soon as I accepted Jesus into my heart. I must love God and love other as I love myself. Damn. Why didn’t I meet this man when I hated myself back in my teenage years and early twenties. I’d be off the hook, right?

I seethe hatred every time I hear of his escapades and tyrants. It’s not healthy. I’ve never hated anyone in my life until this man. What’s sad is that this hatred is like a gateway drug. Now that I’ve allowed hate into my life, it’s so much easier to hate others as well. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want this hate allowed into my heart no matter how justified I feel it is.

So, how do I do it? I did a little research on what it means to love your neighbor when they are completely unlovable. I checked out some Christian websites and blogs. A lot of these featured stories of people who are “unlovable” like the neighbor who gossips or the neighbor that doesn’t mow their lawn. Really? I need real answers about real unlovables!


Even though I felt the unlovable neighbors not all that unlovable, the themes were all the same. We are to serve them. I am at a loss. I don’t even know where to begin with that. Then I read one blog post that added that we should pray for them. Prayer. That’s where I should start.


I have almost ten months to get this in check. I have ten months of preparation, of prayer, and of reading scripture. ‘Cuz the only the Lord knows how I can accomplish this.


How would you love your neighbor if you felt they were unlovable?

Posted in God

Blessings and Curses: Revisited

This week’s post has morphed into many different versions. After this past Sunday’s sermon at church, I think that this will be the best possible version to convey how I truly feel.

Way back in March of 2016, I was still attending my sister’s church. On one particular Sunday, we had a guest speaker because the regular pastors were in Hawaii. The guest speaker was the former pastor of the church and he is an older gentleman. And he loved preaching the fire and brimstone stuff (Blessings and Curses).  This sermon has resonated so strongly within me that I still reflect upon the whole idea of God’s blessings and curses even nearly a year after that sermon.

But it wasn’t until recently that I started to really think about how it affects my daily life and my life with God.  And I seem to have an annual “Is God really real?/What is the meaning of life?” showdown with myself.  (Which I believe is completely healthy for Christians and should be done.)  I was having a hard time grasping the existence of God from reading the actual Bible. I have found that I question God more when I’m reading the Bible. It’s so contradictory that it can be maddening. Then people of faith would just tell me “God is bigger than what makes sense.”  Which I find to be a cop out. But that’s just me.

I started to think like how fellow blogger Family Values Lesbian (I miss that girl’s postings. I hope she’s doing well with her new marriage.) thought of God.  He is like a clock maker.  He created everything and left the rest up to us.  At this point, I, also, started comparing lives. I started thinking of those who are blessed and those who are cursed.

If you really look at it, it seems as though God does not only bless the Christians and He does not only curse the sinners.  A woman of devout faith can be stricken with pancreatic cancer and die within months.  The most despicable human being can be granted the best health and long life.  So the Clock Maker God was a viable option.  It seemed like it didn’t matter who you are, blessings and curses are random and they just happen.

Not long after I started adopting this particular theology, we had a sermon at the church I am currently attending about the God we choose to believe in.  Pastor Travis said that we could choose to believe in a Clock Maker God but that’s not who He is.  Jesus came down to earth to tell us exactly what God’s character is.  He is a loving God that longs to be in fellowship with us.

This past Sunday, Pastor Dan spoke about how Christians get tied up in the logistics of Christianity. We learn to translate the Hebrew and the Greek words. We memorize the laws but we never just sit down and have a relationship with God.

With all of that information, I choose to believe in a God that loves us.  I chose to believe that He knows my name.  I, also, believe that God doesn’t bless us because we are Christians and doesn’t curse because we are sinners.  My theory is that being a Christian should make us better at handling both blessings and curses so that our lives are glorified in His name.  So, I guess I believe in a little bit of both theology standpoints.

All I know is that I am a Child of God and it’s a wonderful thing to be.

Posted in God

“God Is In Control” Doesn’t Let Us Off the Hook — J.S. Park

Yes, Christians, “God is in control so don’t worry” and all those other cold comforts that we throw around. No, Christians, that doesn’t absolve you of being an ambassador of healing and reconciliation and actually leaning into the legitimate fears and anxieties and grief of many people. You ain’t fooling anybody with this “God is […]

via “God Is In Control” Doesn’t Let Us Off the Hook — J.S. Park

Posted in God

I Am No Longer A Gay Christian — Butch Please

Guest post by Kat. I have been struggling most of my life trying to reconcile my faith and my sexuality. Most recently, it’s been Hell on Earth. When I came out about a year ago, I felt closer to God. I accepted who He created me to be. Then the humans interceded. My Christian friends…

via I Am No Longer A Gay Christian — Butch Please

Check out my guest post on Butch Please! And also follow this blog! It’s amazing!

Posted in God

Update: Losing My Religion

Going to my old church was a little bit nerve wracking. I questioned myself and I didn’t know if this was something that I was truly supposed to be doing. I was thinking of my future. I was thinking of when EJ comes here to visit. I didn’t want her to come to church with me and feel immediately awkward and I didn’t want people in the congregation to feel distracted by us being there. I figured at my old church we could be hidden. It’s a big enough church that we wouldn’t be really in the watchful eyes of others.

I was so nervous this morning that I was shaking. I’m not sure why I was nervous. I was at that church for a long time. I know some of the people (namely my sister’s best friend) and I knew what to expect. I always loved the sermons there and people were always very friendly.

The service started and I noticed the worship wasn’t as lively as my sister’s church. Oh great! And this was one of the things I complained to her about. I really didn’t like the worship over there because it seemed a bit sloppy and hard to follow. When we are singing contemporary songs that I don’t know by heart that is a bit distracting. I miss singing hymnals. I know those by heart. Then they started singing a hymnal! YES! I was so excited and I sang that the loudest and it seemed the congregation sang louder as well. That really helped my heart.

The message was very good. The scriptures were Nehemiah 1:1-11. This was funny to me because I listened to a message at my sister’s church that covered the entire chapter of Nehemiah. I was very interested in what the theme was going to be and if was going to be any different.

The title of the message was “Ordinary World Changers.” I love stories like these! I love hearing about God choosing ordinary people to do extraordinary things. The pastor gave three different characteristics of an ordinary world changer. And the basic theme was that even though there is a lot in this world that we feel needs to be fixed and we don’t feel like we can fix it all, we can fix what’s happening in our corner in the world.

Think of something that God is putting a burden on you to change. Something that breaks your heart and causes you to weep. Something that you cry out “SOMEONE HAS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!” And if nobody is going to do anything about it, it could be because God is waiting on you to help out.

We are here for more than just earthly successes. We are here to change the world. This message reminds me of some lyrics in a song called “Wheelz Fall Off (’05 Til)” by Kidz in the Hall.

Jesus ain’t died for me to drive a Lexus/
He died for me to change the world/

Be the ordinary person to do something extraordinary. Change the corner of your world.

Wheelz Fall Off (’05 Til) by Kidz in the Hall