Stress

Or the day my brain split in twain…

Let us look at my laundry list issues that I had been dealing with this past couple of weeks, shall we?

1. An overabundance of work
2. An overabundance of school work
3. My daughter’s first ever surgical procedure
4. The feeling that my happy pills aren’t working.
5. A bombshell (in my mind) announcement from a dear and close friend.

I do NOT at all in any capacity handle stress very well… like at all! It’s just not hardwired into my mainframe. So when stresses in my life compound like they did recently a meltdown ensues.

What’s unfortunate about me is that I have a set schedule on how my days should be going and if the said schedule is interrupted in any way, I lose my shit. My main job responsibility at work is to send out documentation to our patients’ primary care doctors and specialists. This is such an easy and thoughtless job but the issue is that I have to wait for our doctors to sign off on the documentation before I can send it out. So, what happens when a doctor sits on these documents for weeks at a time and sign all of their 100 documents at one time? Oh, wait! Here’s a better question for you: what happens when three or four of our doctors sign off on their documents at once?

Yeah, that!

This stress filters down into my school work. This situation is all of my own doing. I get home from a stressful day and I just want to spend time with my girls. I do not want to do any of my thousands of pages of homework. So, that falls behind.

One of my daughters was found to have a pilonidal cyst last month which requires surgery. She is totally anxious about this which in turn makes me stressed. She has zero pain tolerance. No, I take that back… she has negative 5,000-percent pain tolerance. She doesn’t even have pain tolerance when she thinks of pain. She goes into surgery this week and I must say I am so very anxious about how she is going to deal with this all.

With all of this, I feel that my happy pills are not exactly doing their job. Luckily, I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple weeks for this.

What just put a cherry on top of this crapfest cake, was an announcement one of my dearest and closest friends made. I was distraught at this development so I went to my only source of calmness and solidity I have on this planet – my gorgeous and loving fiancee whose uterus was currently being visited by the red devil. Her response was not one that I wanted to hear and that’s when my brain just cracked.

Queue meltdown city in three… two… ONE!

Within this meltdown, I imagined God up there saying “Dude, you’re acting like you’ve lost. You’ve got Me. I don’t lose.” That’s when I threw my hands my hands in the air and claimed victory in the name of Jesus Christ. I can’t do this alone and I was never created to go about this alone.

None of us were created to do this alone.

Hey, do you know what happened the next day? Miracles upon blessings. In the morning, I did my daily check of my daughter’s cyst to make sure it wasn’t getting infected or increasing in size. It had shriveled up like a little raisin. Which gave me hope that the surgery wasn’t going to be all that bad. I was able to catch up on my work by Friday. I got all my schoolwork done Friday night. I felt better about my friend’s announcement. On top of that, my girl and I had a talk and I feel like our love and relationship is stronger than ever.

All of my life, I have been taught the tools of living a stress-free and blessed life through the teachings I received at church. Why am I calling myself a Christian if I can’t even apply these lessons to my life?

Here’s the moral of the story: In all of the chaos and blinding uncertainty, God will be glorified. Sometimes, hitting rock bottom in your own life, makes you take stock. It makes you see all the wonderful things in your life that you are blessed with.

I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to handling stress. I may not have been hardwired to handle it but I do believe I can be upgraded – and not in the creepy Cyberman type way – to handle these situations a lot better.

Pray for me. Pray for my daughter. Pray for strength. Pray for wisdom.

Enough

These past couple weeks have been stupid and I’m done. I’m claiming victory in Jesus Christ.

Guilty Pleasure

Currently, my guilty pleasure whilst pmsing is reading bitchy reviews on Goodreads. It may be my lowest pleasure, yet. And a bit frightening as an author – albeit not published yet. But still bookworms can be down right nasty!

All the Lovely Things

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” -Philippians 4:8

I have been thrust into some stressful situations as of late. Work is overwhelming. So very
very overwhelming.  I decided to turn to the Bible.  I try to not use the Bible or prayer as an Emergency Only thing.  This is something I have to work on.  But as I was in the throes of battle, I googled “bible studies for dealing with stress.” I clicked on Coping with Stress on the FreeBibleStudyGuides.org.

One of the first scriptures was Philippians 4:8.  I didn’t finish the study guide because I had to actually do work.  But this stuck with me.  Think of all the lovely things in your life when it becomes stressful or overwhelming.  That worked awesome yesterday.  I had all the lovely things that happened on Monday fresh in my mind.

I had a wonderful day with family even though my sister and I had a little spat when she found out my intentions to move to New Zealand temporarily.  I promise that is for another post.  We Skyped my nephew who is stationed in Germany.  We went to the restaurant my niece works at and had yummy milkshakes. We ate pizza and I played video games most of the night.

Then I woke up and there was a storm.  I love storms!  Another lovely thing.  Then I went to work and then it got harder to think of the lovely things.  I came home to the news.

A Father of 5 is Killed by Cops…
Think of the lovely things.

More than 2400 women are sexually assaulted by doctors without them knowing it…
Think of the lovely things.

A Deadly Kidnapping Happens at a Walmart…
Think of the lovely things.

I sent a text to EJ saying that I was trying to think of the lovely things but it’s hard.

We Interrupt This Stress Meltdown with Pics of Beaches

It was weigh in day toady and I didn’t do anything different except drink more water as the doctor prescribed in last weeks appointment.  I gained 4 lbs (1.8 kg)!!  WHHAAATTT???  The dieticians say not to worry about it.  Stress can be a contributor.  I’ll lose next week and maybe more they said.

Stress??  Me??  Stressed??  What would have me stressed?!?  Worrying about my young daughter’s high cholesterol counts or the fact that I won’t be able to marry the love of my life for a minimum of 6 years or that I’m wanting to write a prize winning short story in a couple weeks??  HA!  What stress??  *as clumps of hair fall to the ground*

So, what’s a better way to de-stress than to look at pictures of New Zealand Beaches.  Come along with me…

Raumati Beach, my first New Zealand Beach

Beach at Queen Elizabeth’s Park, my favorite beach of all!

Fret not my lovely readers, I will have posts up about the last day, my girls’ health, my decision to stay in the US, and my adventures in short story writing. But do not be surprised if I don’t post in the next couple days.

The Overwhelming Sense of 2 Days!

As I was happily getting ready for work without a care on my mind, the Today Show broke through my thoughts of unicorns and cuddling river otters in a rainbow stream with a news story about the airport that I’m flying out of.

Apparently, they have had a turnover of 100 security agents a week and the videos of the security lines look absolutely horrid! People have missed their flights because of the delays in the security lines. Southwest Airlines had to supply cots to those who missed their flights because of it. I’m not flying with Southwest but I just could imagine how insane I would be. So, now I’m going through the scenarios in my mind of all the possible worst things that could happen to me.

I broke down crying the parking lot this morning before heading into work. I am so overwhelmed. Being an introvert by nature and not having a lot of self-confidence throughout my early years of my life, this can be a little much to digest. Let’s add being neurotic on top of that and,  well,  we have an amazing emotional cocktail going on.

This is when the time difference between EJ and I really sucks. I’m over here in America freaking out like a freaky freaked out freak and she’s lying in bed sleeping unbeknownst of my worries. Of course I freaked out on her first via messaging. And then went on to freak out on other friends that live in the same time zone.

As I was awaiting their replies, a small voice in the back of my mind spoke to me. I am a Christian. Who is readily there for me right now at this moment? Who has always had my back? God. This human life can really take its toll. It can really make it very easy to put God on a little shelf in His “Break in case of Emergency” box. And when I heard this voice I felt ashamed at first because I didn’t come to Him. After all that I’ve been through in the past and knowing He’s always been there for me. And after all of the blessings I have in my life, I didn’t come to Him first.

Yesterday, I read a very interesting blog about Faith by Mark Landry (if you haven’t been following him, you have been missing out!) and how Faith means differently than what most churches teach us. In his post “The Most Misunderstood Thing about Faith” he states:

God isn’t pleased with you unless you have FAITH.

To have FAITH, you must

(A) Believe that God exists
(B) Believe the things that you’re hoping for will come to fruition
(C) Believe that if you follow God you’ll be rewarded

I believe God exists. Why can’t I believe that what I’m hoping for (ie, less anxiety, smooth sailing through airports and flights) will be answered and that I’ll be rewarded (ie, having the great possible time with my honey bee)? He goes on to say that “churchy” folk like me don’t like to believe that there’s something in it for us. Which is totally true!

I also haven’t been reading my Bible as of late. Like for the past couple weeks. So, I cracked open my Google on my phone and looked up scriptures about anxiety. Here are a few gems:

”Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” ~1 Peter 5:7

“Jesus told him, ‘Don’t be afraid; just believe,” ~Mark 5:36

And here are a couple of my favorites!

”Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:6-7

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Those last two spoke to me because through all my fears and anxiety, I have been truly blessed with this opportunity to travel to foreign lands and see sights that my family or friends will never travel to see. To be in awe of all of His creation. To see different species of animals that I would have never seen face to face in my local area. To see the mountains and coastlines and the ocean. All of these things that I should be truly thankful. All of these things that I should be overjoyed to witness have now been clouded with fear and anxiety. That’s pretty messed up.

As I was writing down these scriptures on pieces of paper that I can carry with me on the planes and through the airports, my friends started to text me their words of encouragement and how they all believe that everything will be alright. What was even more spectacular is that EJ messaged me. The wind woke her up and she checked her phone to see her distraught and overly excitable girlfriend’s message. She wrote:

you’re leaving your country for the first time, and you’re going to meet someone you’ve never physically met before, and not only that but you really want it to go well when we do meet. All of that together is a lot of pressure, it’s perfectly alright to be feeling scared and anxious, I would probably be worried if you weren’t concerned at all

She gets me. He *points upward* gets me. I know in my heart that He woke her up to comfort me. I am feeling much calmer. And I’m trying to not use prayer as a spare tire in case of emergency but as a steering wheel to guide me as my lovely fellow blogger quoted from her Sunday service last week.

I’m a work in progress. I will be for the rest of my life. I must always work on my Faith and have a grateful and thankful heart for the opportunities that I have been given and the amazing support system of family and friends He has placed me in.

SIDE NOTE: The guys that brought lunch for the office gave me loads of airport advice and I keep getting calmer still.

—-

What are your travel hacks that have helped you in the past? I sure could use the tips and helpful advice!

2016 Is Off with a Bang

So what has your friendly neighborhood Lesbian been doing at the beginning of the new year?  Tons of stuff has been happening!

I’ve been up to my eyeballs in coloring books!  So many wonderful books.  I got 3 new books from my family and I got a book for myself.  I went to Hobby Lobby and I got myself an Ocean Wonders one because my oldest sister said I should color pages with accents of colors I have in my bedroom and then frame them to hang them on my wall.  I’m pretty excited about that.

Of course, I’ve been working massive overtime.  But I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  Which is great news.  I do believe I will only have a couple more weeks of overtime left.  I have been way stressed out about it.  I had a stress headache this morning.  I decided to sleep it off.  My dream was crazy because I had to get something done for one of the doctors I work for before a deadline that ended in a few hours.  In my dream, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to finish it.  I woke up feeling more exhausted and really groggy.  I must find time for myself to relax or I just might go a little crazier than I already am.

Let me tell you about some other things that have been stressing me out!  I ran over a nail in a spot were a patch would not be able to fix.  I have to buy a new tire.  The cheapest tire is $120.  YAY!  I have a leaky valve stem in a different tire but luckily that was only $20.  The clothes dryer crapped out so there’s another expense that we weren’t planning on.  So many things that are stressing me out but I have so many great things that I have been blessed with.

The best news out of all of this is that I have a date set on my New Zealand trip!  I’ll be meeting my Honey Bee in person mid-May!!!!  I am so very excited.  Everyone at work seems to be excited as well.  One of the office girls is letting me borrow a suitcase that the doctors don’t use. It’s a very nice one with hard case.  I’m just so excited that I don’t have to buy new luggage.  It is truly a blessing.

Honey Bee and I have been planning different things to do.  I’m getting together all the important things I need to have before I depart in 4 months.  (FOUR MONTHS!!!!  AHHH!!!)  My bestie is coming with me for the first week of the trip.  I’m very excited for that!  We have yet to come together to plan things.  We were supposed to do it this weekend but I was unavailable.  Hopefully, this weekend or sometime this week we can start planning things.

This is my very first trip out of the country and my bestie has been out of the country several times.  I am very glad she is coming with me!  I am totally lost when it comes to these things.  I am a pretty nervous and really excited about it all!!

Have any of you had flown out of the country?  Where did you go?  Are there any tips that would be helpful for a newbie globe trotter?

My New Obsession

I have fallen into a downward spiral of obsession with these adult color books.  I remember when they first came out.  I made fun of them.  Who in their right mind would buy a coloring book for $10 when you can get a Hello Kitty one for $1?  No one in their right mind would.  But someone obsessed with them would totally BUY THEM ALL!!!

My first coloring page and I was hooked.

I seriously daydream about going home to color.  I think of the page I’m currently on and think “Oh yes! I can use that color next on that one particular area.” And before you know it, I’m talking to myself like Golem when he talks about his precious.  My coloring book is my precious.  *pets the book lovingly*

I started out using coloring pencils.  I got some fancy ones at the place where I bought my first color book and well let me tell you.  I got so frustrated with those.  They kept breaking apart in the sharpener.  Grrrrrr!!

My grandma came over last night while I was coloring a new page.  She said, “Those are supposed to be relaxing.  Are they?”  I’m not sure if she picked up on my manic coloring technique or how I had a look on my face that mirrored Voldemort’s face when he was finally able to touch Harry Potter’s face.  I replied, “They are supposed to be but I’ve found that it enhances my subtle OCD tendencies.”  I didn’t mention to her that it also unearths some control issues that I never knew I had.  So relaxing… perhaps not but it sure is fun!!

My Christmas present from my doctors. THESE ARE AMAZING!!

The doctors who I work for gave their employees a $40 Visa card for Christmas cuz they love us.  So I bought some glorious fine tip markers.  They are amazing!!! Thank you doctors!!!!

I often stay up until midnight knowing full well that I have to wake up in 5 hours for work.  I’m sure EJ loves all of these Skype sessions where I have my undivided attention on my coloring pages (sorry honey bee!!)  But I can stop whenever I want to. *starts scratching and having eye twitches*

This is my completed marker page. I LOVE IT! It was so much fun!!

My family has told me that they got me coloring books for Christmas. Eeeee!!! So excited!!! I told my girls that we are doing nothing all weekend. I’m gonna be elbows deep in coloring pencils, markers, and new books. It’s a Christmas miracle.

I think I probably look like this when I Skype my Honey Bee whilst coloring.

Note to Self

Sing at the top of your lungs and dance like a crazy whilst driving. It’s great fun!

My Nephew: The Soldier

Last week, my family and I went to Fort Leonard Wood Army Post for Family Day and Boot Camp Graduation of my oldest nephew. We are so proud of him!!  He was transformed from a teenage boy to a man.  We had so much fun going to different places around the post and doing little things like eating Taco Bell with him because he hadn’t had Taco Bell for 7 months!

As I sat in my chair during graduation and looking at all the soldiers (not just my nephew), you can tell they were different. They weren’t like “civilians” as they called regular everyday people.  They were trained and disciplined.  You could tell with their demeanor, how they talked, how they stood, and how they walked and/or marched.  I’ve been reflecting on this since I’ve been home.  I’ve been reflecting on what one of the commanding officers said during her speech. All of the training and all of the honing they had to endure to become a sharpened weapon.  This made me reflect on my spirituality.

There have been a lot of things going on in my life currently that have been taking a toll on my happiness.  I’ve been trying to keep my heart full of love but it’s being squished by some disappointments, sadness, and even anger.  Like I said in my post about my heart having no room for sadness and anger, there isn’t any room for those.  Of course, I’m human and those emotions do come busting in.

I’m trying to set different things up in my life to help deter those unwanted emotions down to a minimum (we can’t get rid of them all or we would be a creepy happy robot). But no matter what I have in place, I don’t follow through.  I could say I’m going to meditate more.  But it doesn’t happen.  I could say I’m going to pray and study the Bible more.  But the days slip away from me before I realize it’s been a week and I haven’t put forth the effort.  I could say I’m going to start writing a journal that has all the things I’m grateful for and blessed with.  But I would see the journal collecting dust on my book shelf.  Then I realized last week what key ingredient I’ve been missing all along.  Discipline.

I didn’t know what I was missing until I watched my nephew and his platoon quoting the Army Creed.  I didn’t notice what I lacked until I saw every soldier march in near perfect unison.  I need discipline.  My nephew didn’t have it until after he completed his training.  That’s what I need.  Discipline.  Having a couple of Drill Sergeants yelling at me wouldn’t hurt either.  But since I don’t have those at my disposal, I’ll just have to recruit some Drill Sergeants of my own.   I’ll recruit my toughest friends and family members to help keep me on track.

I need discipline.  I know it’s going to take several months.  My nephew didn’t become a soldier overnight and I won’t become disciplined overnight, as well.  Say a prayer for me!!