The Bible seems to teach that we should, on some level, be afraid of God. One passage in particular, one that gets plastered on Sunday Morning church billboards all over the country, literally reads “Fear God.” Some people see this and hear “Don’t screw with God or He’ll screw with you.” Some see another opportunity […]
I have heard this time and time again. When we are standing at the Judgement throne, we are not being judged whether we are going to Heaven or Hell. We are being judged on our deeds that furthered the Kingdom. We will get rewards for what we’ve done on Earth.
This does not motivate me. This confuses me. This makes me feel that even in the afterlife, we are going to feel envious of what another soul has. We are going to feel depressed because we could have done more on Earth. We are going to plagued with self doubt for eternity. How can this be true within a place that there is no longer pain or sorrow?
When I get to the Big Library in the Sky, I’m certain that I’m not gonna give one lick if one soul has a better Heaven Mansion than I do. I’ll be in Heaven with God and my family. I’ll live homeless under a bridge. I have no problems with that.
This makes me think that God does not accept me as who I am. God does not love me as much as everyone says. And guess what? I don’t believe that one bit!
My motivation isn’t heavenly rewards. My motivation is helping others and having them feel and know that I’m helping in the name of Jesus Christ. I’m not doing this to get a 3 car garage for my chariots.
Phew!! What a year!!
I questioned my faith.
Started this blog in hopes of finding myself and faith again
I realized I am a lesbian.
Became closer to God when embraced who I am and realized He made me perfect.
My daughter broke her leg and had to be in a wheelchair for 6 weeks.
Went to therapy.
Asked a gorgeous Kiwi to be my girlfriend.
Came out to my friends and family.
My nephew graduated bootcamp and is stationed in Germany and we are making plans to visit in 2017.
Made plans to meet my Honey Bee in person in New Zealand in June 2016.
I hope you all had a great 2015 and an even better 2016!!
Last week, my family and I went to Fort Leonard Wood Army Post for Family Day and Boot Camp Graduation of my oldest nephew. We are so proud of him!! He was transformed from a teenage boy to a man. We had so much fun going to different places around the post and doing little things like eating Taco Bell with him because he hadn’t had Taco Bell for 7 months!
As I sat in my chair during graduation and looking at all the soldiers (not just my nephew), you can tell they were different. They weren’t like “civilians” as they called regular everyday people. They were trained and disciplined. You could tell with their demeanor, how they talked, how they stood, and how they walked and/or marched. I’ve been reflecting on this since I’ve been home. I’ve been reflecting on what one of the commanding officers said during her speech. All of the training and all of the honing they had to endure to become a sharpened weapon. This made me reflect on my spirituality.
There have been a lot of things going on in my life currently that have been taking a toll on my happiness. I’ve been trying to keep my heart full of love but it’s being squished by some disappointments, sadness, and even anger. Like I said in my post about my heart having no room for sadness and anger, there isn’t any room for those. Of course, I’m human and those emotions do come busting in.
I’m trying to set different things up in my life to help deter those unwanted emotions down to a minimum (we can’t get rid of them all or we would be a creepy happy robot). But no matter what I have in place, I don’t follow through. I could say I’m going to meditate more. But it doesn’t happen. I could say I’m going to pray and study the Bible more. But the days slip away from me before I realize it’s been a week and I haven’t put forth the effort. I could say I’m going to start writing a journal that has all the things I’m grateful for and blessed with. But I would see the journal collecting dust on my book shelf. Then I realized last week what key ingredient I’ve been missing all along. Discipline.
I didn’t know what I was missing until I watched my nephew and his platoon quoting the Army Creed. I didn’t notice what I lacked until I saw every soldier march in near perfect unison. I need discipline. My nephew didn’t have it until after he completed his training. That’s what I need. Discipline. Having a couple of Drill Sergeants yelling at me wouldn’t hurt either. But since I don’t have those at my disposal, I’ll just have to recruit some Drill Sergeants of my own. I’ll recruit my toughest friends and family members to help keep me on track.
I need discipline. I know it’s going to take several months. My nephew didn’t become a soldier overnight and I won’t become disciplined overnight, as well. Say a prayer for me!!
I received a couple texts from my friends about another friend’s rant about Spirituality on Facebook. One of my friends is a very very close friend of his and she was shocked and a little disturbed by the post. He is a militant Atheist. I am no stranger to his rants. At one point his brother was major into religion and so his sole purpose in life was to convert my friend. The problem with that is you can’t shove religion down an Atheist’s throat especially since he has a vendetta against God. So every time his brother would post something religious on Facebook, my friend would post back with intense ferocity on why Jesus sucks.
My friend was one of the reasons why I left Facebook. Although, it may have been unintentional, his rants about Spirituality felt like emotional and verbal abuse. He never directed any posts towards me but when you are bad mouthing something I have a firm belief in to the extreme, it’s hard not to be very hurt about it.
My other friend and I talked about how it is pretty ridiculous how angry he is at God. For someone who doesn’t believe, he sure does have a personal battle with Him. He really needs Spirituality in his life. He is so angry at everything. It’s exhausting to think of all of the anger in his heart. I feel so sorry for him. I wish he could just shed all of his anger off. I wish he could just let everything go. He has a little girl to take care of. He shouldn’t be so angry. I hope his little girl doesn’t grow up with the same anger issues.
Here’s the exchange I received from a different friend:
Friend: Wow his last post… was crazy. I understand it’s hard to believe in something that isn’t there but I would hate to be wrong when I die!
Me: It’s hard to believe. Yes. But once you start believing and seeing all the miracles at work in your life, it’s even harder not to believe.
The post must have been his worst yet if I’ve received messages from two other friends. I’m not going to read it. I was curious at first. But I know what things like that do to me. I could say that I’m stronger than I was before and I could handle it. I know that I would be lying to myself. There is no way I could handle it. There’s no room in my heart for sadness and anger to take up residence in my heart. When those emotions enter, some of my love and peace have to leave to make room. And I refuse to let that happen to me again.
As I’m dealing with this whole BD and Wife mess, my friends and family have been on my side. It’s nice to know that I’m not the crazy one for once. Ha! Here’s an exchange I had with my sister:
Sis: I wouldn’t have told them.
Me: Well, I didn’t want them to find out by the girls just blurting it out.
Sis: So! That’s how they find out! I wouldn’t have told them.
She was holding her daughter, my baby niece, on her hip. As she looked at her, she told me this:
Sis: I’m going to have to have a conversation with her one day. I’m going to tell her that it’s not the life I want for her. It’s not even the life I want for you. I don’t love you any less or differently. I just wanted to let you know so that you’re not hurt.
Well, of course, I’m going to be hurt. Being gay isn’t a curse. Of course, there were times that I would cry to God to make me not gay. Make me celibate. Take these feelings away. Life would be so much easier if I were straight. I used to think it was a curse. Until I met EJ.
Yes. There are so many struggles with being gay. I actually haven’t even started to have any. Just this mess with BD and Wife. Then my sister says something like that to me and expects me to not be hurt. She’s going to teach her little girl that being gay is wrong. And that makes me sad and it does hurt.
I have found out now that I’m out that I don’t know how I was living any other way. I was living a half-life. Now, I’m living my life to the fullest and loving beyond my heart’s capacity. I am more compassionate. I am more aware of the universe around me. I want to help the human race more than I have ever wanted. I want to further Jesus’ kingdom. All because I am gay.
What is sad to me as that my sister would rather have me live a life where I’m ashamed of my feelings. Where I won’t be able to spend my life with a partner that I love. She would rather me settle with a man and never really truly happy. I certainly don’t want that life for myself or my little niece.
This may not be the life she chooses for me, but if I had a choice, I wouldn’t choose any other life for myself.
I was reading a blog because that is what I do best. It was very beautifully written but it was also very sad for me to read. The author was talking about how she’s tired of being a Christian. She listed a number of things that plague Christianity today.
Like this author, I have often said that I am tired of being a Christian. Being a Christian is hard work. It has lots of expectations. The problem with Christianity, in my experience, is that it is too focused on the church. It is too focused on the human and the works of the human. It should always be focused on God.
God is the reason for Christianity. We should be looking up to Him. We should be pulling our strength from Him. He will unbind us from the chains that society has put on us. He will set us free and uplift us. When we put the focus back on the Creator, we will be lifted up and all the heaviness of our faith will disappear.
I also read a blog when I first started visiting WordPress and it was about how a lady shed the preconceived notions of religion off. She was reborn and renewed. She was losing her religion but finding her spirituality. That is what my spiritual journey has been all about after I came to terms with sexuality. After I felt no condemnation towards my attraction to women. After I felt I have been closer to God than I ever have before. I lost my religion and found my God. Always there and always waiting for me to give up my load and give it to Him.
Do not focus on all of the negatives that the humans have put upon our faith. Focus on the Creator and you will feel an awesome lightness. You will not be drudging through this world full of resentment. Humans will fail you when you look up to them. But when you look up to Him, He will not fail you.