“One of These Days I’ll Find a Human That Actually Listens”

I read another anti-gay post. Yes. After my better half forbade me to read them. She’s like the Doctor and I’m her companion who goes off chasing a kitten in London after dark and I find myself in the middle of some kind of galactic throw down after she’s told me to stay put. Oh! I feel sorry for her! I just don’t listen.

This one wasn’t so bad though. It was actually quite interesting. This woman tells of how she was gay and how she thought only a woman could love her how she needed to be loved. She strayed from God and started serving her own personal God. She had to rearrange her whole life to accommodate her gay lifestyle. She didn’t feel free. She was in several affairs with married men and she would flirt with lesbians. Once she focused back on God, she found the love of her life. God sent her a husband and they have a son. She is so much happier because she’s no longer gay.

I’m very proud of her turning her life back around. God can do amazing things in your life! But I would like to say that I am having doubts that she was gay in the first place. Before I came out to myself and accepted who I am, I was what the dictionary would define as your run of the mill slut. I was having affairs with married men. I was having sex everywhere. I was gross and I was lucky that the only thing I caught was HPV which is bad but that’s for another blog post.

After I came out to myself, I became closer to God. My focus has been more directed on him. Of course I slip up and I sometimes don’t feel like I deserve Him in my life. But now, I don’t sleep around and I’m waiting for marriage to have sex. I am just a better place morally. I feel happy for once in my life.

We are living in a revolution, dearies. The LGBT+ community is getting a voice. We are being seen as humans and not as perverted nut jobs. And that is a beautiful thing! We still have a long way to go but it’s turning the corner.

The moral of the story is that we are all different. I believe that there are straight people out there thinking that they are gay but really aren’t just as there are gay people like myself and my Honey Bee that thought we were straight but really aren’t. Be true to yourself. Have God guide your ways and do not be ashamed on the path that He shows you. Be proud and be bold in who you are and His love and light will touch those around you and they will want what you have.

Book Review: The Price of Salt

Author:  Patricia Highsmith
Pages:  256
Synopsis as seen on Amazon.com:  A chance encounter between two lonely women leads to a passionate romance in this lesbian cult classic. Therese, a struggling young sales clerk, and Carol, a homemaker in the midst of a bitter divorce, abandon their oppressive daily routines for the freedom of the open road, where their love can blossom. But their newly discovered bliss is shattered when Carol is forced to choose between her child and her lover.

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Honestly, I happened upon this book because of the parody Kate McKinnon and Kumail Nanjiani did of Carol at the Spirit Awards.  I thought it was friggin’ hilarious! I knew about the movie Carol but I didn’t really research it until I saw that clip.  I told EJ that I had to see that movie and see what that scene is really like.

As I was reading the reviews for the movie I came upon this review:

“The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith was a powerful and elegantly written book when I read it as a young lesbian. Nothing else compared to it at the time and it actually had a hopeful ending. And here in 2015, I feel the movie takes an equally important and endearing place in its genre because it doesn’t sell out to the hets and homophobia (as our films continue to do). There are no pointless and gratuitous M/F sex scenes. No tragic headcases who depressed me for two hours and feed the long-standing misconception that we’re all mentally ill. No lesbians die in the end!! The ending remains an utterly hopeful one. And for once, IT’S NOT A PIECE OF S***!!!!!!!!!!! Ack, it’s been years since I’ve been able to say that about a lesbian film!! LOL.”

A book?!  There’s a book??  I downloaded the sample immediately.  It was only 99 cents to buy and I told EJ that I would probably buy it.  I could NOT put this book down.  It was amazing!  It was real and authentic.  I felt it all.  All the love, hate, shame, guilt, lust, hurt… all of it.  I connected with Therese on so many levels she was me. And I remember wanting to be like Carol at other times in my life.

This book was published in 1953 when the gay community was criminalized. This was a beautiful story between a young woman seemed to have a life that was a bit lack luster. Therese worked in a department store for the holiday season while she tried to find work as a set designer when she met Carol. Her life was turned upside down by this beautiful and confident high society woman. I felt the flutters in her stomach. I felt all the questions she had in her mind. This was a very tasteful story about two women connecting on a deeper level. It was love not lust or because they were deviants or were abused in some fashion. They truly loved each other.

There were so many quotes that loved from this book that completely spoke to me.  Here are a couple:

“I think there’s a definite reason for every friendship just as there’s a reason why certain atoms unite and others don’t – certain missing factors in one, or certain present factors in the other – what do you thing? I think friendships are the result of certain needs that can be completely hidden from both people, sometimes hidden forever.”

 

“How was it possible to be afraid and in love, Therese thought. The two things did not go together. How was it possible to be afraid, when the two of them grew stronger every day? And every night. Every night was different, and every morning. Together they possessed a miracle.”

As I read these quotes, I thought of EJ.  This is how I felt about my strikingly beautiful girlfriend. This is why this book felt real because these were real feelings to me.

I definitely recommend this book.  And I will be watching the movie Carol this weekend wishing that EJ was with me.

Just When I Think My Life is Figured Out…

I have a set back.  I didn’t go to church this morning.  I felt that it was best that I had some one on one time with God.

Last night, as I was perusing the blogs in my lesbian tag, I came across some Conservative Christian blogs. They spoke of nothing new. They spoke of us gays burning in hellfire and damnation for all of eternity. Standard Old Testament type stuff.  But for some reason it sent me into a struggle. I went back to my old ways of thinking. The emotions of shame and guilt came flooding in. I became paralyzed in this way of thinking.

EJ was still asleep from having a late night and so I turned to the second person I have on my panic tree. She is like a mother to me. She knew I was gay before I even accepted it myself. She knows my struggles with faith and sexuality. I knew she could turn me back around.

I unloaded on her. And her response was amazing!

There are so many ways I could take this convo but the way I feel strongest about is LOVE YOURSELF!!! I never hear you judging yet you let yourself be judged. Accept yourself and be proud of who you are.

I really do hate that I question myself when I read about what other men think of my situation. The blogger claimed to open his mind and prayed to God that if homosexuality was right then to show him. He said that it was not right. I couldn’t help but to mutter under my breath “liar.”

There was another about how being homosexual is unnatural. Yes. It’s unnatural to you. But after being with EJ, I don’t know why I thought being with men was natural. I was living a half life as I’ve said many times in this blog. And I will probably say it again. Because I know this is not going to be my last time I struggle with this. Fortunately, for me these times are being coming further apart. And this is because I have accepted myself and I have the love of a wonderful woman.

I always feel anger and shame and guilt when I am being taught by man. But when I sit with God by myself and read the Good News. The Gospel of grace and forgiveness. I can always hear a voice say to me that I am loved. I am important. I have been perfectly created in His sight. Nothing can take my relationship from me.

Having that one on one time with Him renewed my soul. I am happy to be me! I am happy to have Him!

Besides, if He didn’t want me to like girls, He shouldn’t create such hot lesbians.

My Decision to Stay

After the tragedy in Orlando, I felt that myself and my family were not safe in America any longer.  I made the decision to move to New Zealand in a couple or so years.  Just enough time to get my ducks in a row and then I was outta here with my girls.  Of course, I had a chat with their dad before all of this went down.  I told him how I would be doing this for the safety of our children.  He was okay with it.  He wanted to make sure there was a plan in place for visitations and such.

So I was on this new high.  I was able to be with the woman I love in a country that I love just as much as the US.  (Even with all the violence and insaneness, I am an American.  I will always bleed red, white, and blue.)  EJ was so excited about this prospect.  But then I started to think.  Would I be jumping ship when my country needed one more actual functioning human?  Then I had a conversation with the girls’ dad and he, at the time, was having issues with his soon to be ex and she was just letting him see his baby for a couple hours.  He is an awesome father.  He has always been there for the girls.  Can I really take the girls away from him?  My decision was no.

And with a tearful Skype session with my gorgeous girlfriend, I told her that I decided to stay in America.  She said she would come over here after her youngest was old enough to decide which parent to live with.  That age is 16.  I will have to wait 6 years until that happens.  I was distraught.  Long distance relationships are a bitch! I started to think about being with someone else.  Someone who lived in my area.  And I couldn’t even fathom it.  There is no one for me but EJ.

During that Skype session from Hell, EJ had mentioned me moving over there in a few years for a few years.  That means it wouldn’t be so long for us to wait to be together.  We chuckled at that idea.  I didn’t really give much thought about it until the next day and then the next and then another day after that.  That’s actually not a bad idea.  I can get everything sorted to move over there.  It would only be until her youngest is 16 and then we can move back at that time.

That is the plan at the current moment.  In a few years, we will live there for a few years.  I’m really excited about starting my forever with her sooner than expected.  I’m really excited to be a family with her and her kids.  It’s a dream come true!

All the Lovely Things

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” -Philippians 4:8

I have been thrust into some stressful situations as of late. Work is overwhelming. So very
very overwhelming.  I decided to turn to the Bible.  I try to not use the Bible or prayer as an Emergency Only thing.  This is something I have to work on.  But as I was in the throes of battle, I googled “bible studies for dealing with stress.” I clicked on Coping with Stress on the FreeBibleStudyGuides.org.

One of the first scriptures was Philippians 4:8.  I didn’t finish the study guide because I had to actually do work.  But this stuck with me.  Think of all the lovely things in your life when it becomes stressful or overwhelming.  That worked awesome yesterday.  I had all the lovely things that happened on Monday fresh in my mind.

I had a wonderful day with family even though my sister and I had a little spat when she found out my intentions to move to New Zealand temporarily.  I promise that is for another post.  We Skyped my nephew who is stationed in Germany.  We went to the restaurant my niece works at and had yummy milkshakes. We ate pizza and I played video games most of the night.

Then I woke up and there was a storm.  I love storms!  Another lovely thing.  Then I went to work and then it got harder to think of the lovely things.  I came home to the news.

A Father of 5 is Killed by Cops…
Think of the lovely things.

More than 2400 women are sexually assaulted by doctors without them knowing it…
Think of the lovely things.

A Deadly Kidnapping Happens at a Walmart…
Think of the lovely things.

I sent a text to EJ saying that I was trying to think of the lovely things but it’s hard.

Short Story Contest

I need some feedback on a short story I have written. I know there a few of you out there that I would love to get feedback from but I didn’t know how else to get a hold of you. Send me your email address at divinesecretsofmsv@gmail.com and I will send you a PDF of it.

Thanks so much!