These past couple weeks have been stupid and I’m done. I’m claiming victory in Jesus Christ.
As I watch the news in the morning or scroll through my Twitter newsfeed, I’ve come to realize that a lot of us are in need of something. Obvious and cliched answers float through my mind. You need a hug and you over there need anger management courses. You need to let it go. You need to be laid. And you need to be impeached.
Most of the time, I feel horrible as I sit behind the keyboard passing silent judgement (I would never have the balls to say what’s on my mind). I am very aware that I’m missing something in me as well. Life is going great for me currently. I’m the closest to God than I have ever been before. I have healthy and (most of the time) happy girls. My friends and family are the best and after I came out, they have been absolutely stunning. I’ve found the love of my life. And one of my lifelong dreams will soon come true as I am so very close to finishing my first draft of my first ever novel. So, what on Earth could be missing from my life?
Many times I feel bored and that boredom becomes paralyzing. I get too bored to write. I get too bored to play with my kids. I get too bored to talk to my love. I get too bored to fellowship with God. This becomes maddening to me because I am so very busy. How could I ever be bored?
In the mornings, I read three different devotionals on my Bible app I downloaded on my phone. One of the devotions I’m reading is called Financial Fitness by Rick Warren cuz let’s face it… I am TERRIBLE with money. I’m getting better at it but I still have a lot to improve on. I digress.
The devotion I was reading one particular morning titled ‘Use Your Money to Grow Your Character‘ gave me an A-HA moment (one of my favorite moments to have). I really loved this lesson because it talked about growing your character (in case you didn’t figure that out by the title) in different ways with your money.
Pastor Warren’s suggestions included purchasing Christian books and CDs. Even purchasing classes to learn a new skill. What a great idea! I got bored with life because I wasn’t investing in my life. Relationships with God, my kids, my partner, my family and friends are very important. Don’t misunderstand when I say I was bored with the connections earlier in this post. But I found that I was interacting with them in the same way. Talking via text, mundane talks about how everyone’s day was. Things of that nature were getting me down.
Investing experiences with all whom I love is what I should be doing. Learning new skills so that I can bring more to the table during conversations is what I should be doing. Encouraging my children to invest in themselves and others around them is what I should be doing.
This isn’t only a Christian thing either. Whether you’re atheist, agnostic, Buddhist, Muslim, or worship the spaghetti monster, you should be investing in your character.
Going out and experiencing life is another way to enrich your character. Go to the new Thai restaurant that you’ve always wanted to try. Go to that art gallery that you’ve always wanted to go to as you drive by everyday on your commute to work. Talk to actual human beings (this one will be a toughy for me being an introvert and all). Ask your kids what kind of experiences they would like to have and make their wishes come true.
You might find out a little something about yourself and your character. And that’s always a beautiful thing!
So, what has your ole Kittie Kat been doing for a the past couple months? I have been actually pretty busy. And sometimes so upset that I couldn’t do anything at all. It’s just been a real rollercoaster of a ride already in 2017.
I’ve been writing. I’m hoping… Scratch that. I will be completing my first draft of my novel by the end of next month. Writing has been a great experience for me. I have always wanted to publish a book since I was in 3rd grade. And here I am about to finish my first draft of my first ever novel in a little over a month. I’m just so excited. 8 year-old me would be so proud.
It has been really hard. I had this vision of what I wanted to write about but it evolved into something more. I loved that it evolved into something that might help a reader. I hope the readers will connect with the characters and find strength and courage at times when they feel they don’t have it. This is why I wanted to be a writer. I’m hoping to help people gain a different perspective. But it was hard to come up with new material. I didn’t have enough but I’ve been doing pretty well at it. I’ve reached over 50k words and it only took me 2 months after NaNoWriMo. Ha!
I’m also preparing for my Honey Bee’s arrival to the States in almost a month!! EEEE!! I’m so excited! I can’t wait to show her around the Midwest. Although, how am I going to top New Zealand?? Plus it will still technically winter. Winter in the Midwest vs. New Zealand any day of the year. Yikes!
I do have lots of fun things planned for us and the girls. I can’t wait to show her the places where I have childhood memories. I can’t wait to take her up to Wisconsin to meet my crew up there. I also have things planned that I’ve never been to or done. So, that’s exciting as well. I, unfortunately, won’t be able to take the whole two week off. That’s going to be weird to go to work while she’s at home. Those days are going to be the longest days ever! AAAAHH!!!
Of course, the new US Administration has me straight up buggin’. I am now at the point where I don’t even care. I don’t care what that stupid head tweets. I don’t care that they are defending the fact that numbers at the inauguration where the most ever. What I do care about is Americans. I care about human beings. That’s where my energy is going to go towards.
I’ve actually stopped logging into Facebook unless someone close to me mentions me in a comment. I’ve even stopped going on Twitter. I’m exhausted from it all. It’s going to be an exhausting 4 – 8 years for us. I’m leaning towards 8 because he’ll never get rid of the electoral college in favor of the popular vote while he’s in office. He’s still arguing that Hillary only won the popular vote because of millions of fraudulent votes. UGH! I’m wasting my time aren’t I? After I said I wouldn’t.
Also, I either had the stomach flu or food poisoning this week. Either way, there was a lot of violent vomiting that made my torso muscles sore even days afterwards. Still feeling it now.
But, yeah. That’s what I’ve been doing. Writing. Reading. Breathing. Vomiting.
What have you been doing?
It’s funny how something can spark your memory instantly. Like a certain song. Even a name on a list.
As I’ve mentioned before, any time Cheap Thrills comes on the radio I get transported to one of the happiest times of my life. The New Zealand version of MTV was on in our motel room with the big orange blooms on an accent wall in Matamata and the music video played about 3 or 4 times.
I never really was a fan of that song until that weekend away with EJ. She says that I paid attention to the TV better than she did cuz she had no clue what was on. Now everytime that song plays, I get instantly happy.
Another crazy thing my brain did last week was a repressed memory came from out of nowhere when I was checking the doctors’ schedules. One of the patient’s names was Kirsten. And I was transported back to Girl Scout camp when I was in 5th or 6th grade.
I shared a cabin with a girl named Melanie. I thought she was so pretty. I told her she looked like Kirstie (hence the reason why Kirsten sparked the memory) Ally. She took it as a compliment because she loved Kirstie. I was pleased with myself for giving her such a high compliment.
I didn’t realize until last week that Melanie was my first ever girl crush. I knew back then I was gay but I repressed it. It was really an aha moment for me. And it made me giggle a little bit.
Our brains are the most interesting things ever. It’s interesting how songs can spark emotions and a name on a piece of paper can unlock forgotten memories.
EJ and I are coming up on our one year anniversary. October 25th to be exact. And we’ve been talking for about 2 years. Anyone in a long distance relationship can tell you that they are really hard. Especially hard for those who live across the globe. As time goes on it seems to be harder. Because we miss the other one so much.
Lately I’ve been comparing my relationship with EJ to my relationship with God. Both are so very far away and I know that they love me so very much. I also know that they are so very faithful to me. Then something happens when you’re not in constant contact with either one of them.
For those of you who have been following me almost from the beginning I talk about my Sherlock moments. For those of you who have not been following me as long, this refers to when I keep to myself and I don’t want anyone around. And that even includes the love of my life. She and I have discussed this before sometimes she has those moments but she does not have them as much as I do. I’ve been in one for about a couple weeks now and that’s when she begins to worry. She starts to think that I am going to leave her. And in the past it would have been true. I’ve done that before. I would draw into myself and not have any contact because I was having this internal struggle and I had left her in the past. So these claims and worries are not unfounded. I really do hate that I had put her in that position.
Like God, the only renewal for our relationship is contact. So when I feel this way I really need to give her a video call. But for some reason I don’t and in these moments of being antisocial drag on. Which is really sucky because she worries and I know she worries.
I’m not sure if it worries her more if I’m not worried. I have always been the girl that would cling to my partner. Hoping he would stay and doing everything I thought would please him. But with EJ, I don’t do that. I know she is going to stay. Unfortunately, as I stated above, I’ve left that worry in the back of her head because I have left.
It’s been a long time since I have had someone stick around for so long. And have them actually want to stick around. So this is kind of new territory for me. Maybe I should be doing more of those things on the LDR lists to make sure she knows I care.
I called her a couple nights ago and it really was awesome to see her and hear her voice. It really helped out a lot. She got her tickets to see me in March and I am super excited!! I just got to be more mindful and make sure she never doubts my love and devotion.
I know. I know. This is a pretty crazy title. But you gotta understand how much toil and strife Facebook has given me. That stupid website has given me so much grief that I stopped logging into it. Not until recently when my sister asked me to post pictures from our trip to the Zoo that I logged back in to it.
I kept to myself at first. I just posted pics and didn’t wander over to my newsfeed. Pretty soon I was back to my old habits of checking my notifications every 10 minutes. And then it happened. I put in my two cents on a status that really upset me. It was the classic religion vs. homosexuality type status. The first part of my reply was really good and probably should have stopped it there. But nooooo… I decided to be snarky. And then I posted another snarky reply after that. After reading a few more replies from others, I decided that I needed to get rid of this profile.
I am so sick and tired of being offended by everyone. EVERYONE! I understand that’s my problem not everyone else’s. But still it’s just not worth it. I definitely need to put up guardrails around Facebook. So, I downloaded all my photos from Facebook (it’s super easy with Shutterfly) and I sent a text to all of my closest family members and friends stating that I’m getting rid of the old profile and sending out requests for the new profile. I got a text back from one of my brothers from another mother. He said that I shouldn’t delete my account. He regrets deleting his. I haven’t deleted my old profile just yet. And maybe I won’t. I’ll just delete all of the people and then people can find me. I’ll be able to filter who I let in.
This new profile is very exciting! It’s my life’s story through pictures. I also want to introduce new categories and get a little artsy with it. There will be no status updates unless they pertain to pictures. I feel like I have brand new start and it’s nice to breathe fresh new air.
Now that I am no longer at odds with myself because of my sexuality, I’m going to start spending time working on balancing the big three. The Mind, Body, and Soul. I am in a much better place than I was last month. I am out and now I can just live life. Now I can focus on being a better version of myself. Each day, I’m going to write down what I did to nurture my mind, body and soul.
Since coming out, my mind and my soul are feeling much more aligned in my body. My body… well that is a whole different struggle. People struggle with this aspect of life on the daily. I am one of those people. I had lost 40 pounds a couple of years ago. I felt great! I was happy. I had more energy. But then life happened. I was in and out of the hospital for kidney surgeries and so eating right and exercising were thrown by the way side. I gained those 40 pounds back. I could bitch and moan about it or do something about it. I choose the latter.
I got myself a fitbit and I am in love!! I am so obsessed with getting my 10,000 steps in every day. My bestie and another friend of ours has one. We do the challenges on it. It’s a lot of fun. I’ve been taking the long ways around to get to the break room (which is right across from my office) and back to my desk. I take walks after each work project I finish. I get about 5 to 6k at work. It’s amazing.
I’ve turned my secret lesbian journal that I kept in the closet into my balancing journal. I list what I do each day for my mind, body, and soul. For example: Mind – I enjoyed scrapbooking with my mom. It was relaxing. Body – I made my 10k step goal! Soul – I read in my bible study book.
I’m just so excited about my well-being.