I was going to type this up on National Coming Out Day but I also wanted to post on my blog 3 days a week. So, yeah. I’ve been struggling on connecting thoughts and ideas on this post. I’ve rewritten this first paragraph a couple times. I’m really not sure what I want to convey.
A few months ago, when I was a self-hating little lesbian, I stumbled upon a blog whilst scrolling through the lesbian tag. The theme was along the lines of “not re-writing the Bible for the gays.” It really hurt and offended me. I’m trying to get the whole being offended personally by everyone thing under control. I know for myself. That is not a part of my Gay Agenda. I don’t want you to re-write the Bible. I’m good. God and I are good.
One of the things about me is that I do not want anyone to change so that I can be made comfortable. But believe me when I say I will do anything to twist and contort and try to change myself in order to make you comfortable. I’m done with that. I don’t want you to re-write the Bible and I won’t re-write myself. We are both beautiful the way God intended.
So what is my Gay Agenda? To marry the love of my life and have adventures with our kids. Hopefully meet and inspire people everyday. I hope to raise our kids in a loving and supportive environment where they can be what they have always wanted to be. And I hope to help others in any way I can. Extending God’s love through me to you. That’s my agenda. And I can’t wait to get started on it.
I have a set back. I didn’t go to church this morning. I felt that it was best that I had some one on one time with God.
Last night, as I was perusing the blogs in my lesbian tag, I came across some Conservative Christian blogs. They spoke of nothing new. They spoke of us gays burning in hellfire and damnation for all of eternity. Standard Old Testament type stuff. But for some reason it sent me into a struggle. I went back to my old ways of thinking. The emotions of shame and guilt came flooding in. I became paralyzed in this way of thinking.
EJ was still asleep from having a late night and so I turned to the second person I have on my panic tree. She is like a mother to me. She knew I was gay before I even accepted it myself. She knows my struggles with faith and sexuality. I knew she could turn me back around.
I unloaded on her. And her response was amazing!
There are so many ways I could take this convo but the way I feel strongest about is LOVE YOURSELF!!! I never hear you judging yet you let yourself be judged. Accept yourself and be proud of who you are.
I really do hate that I question myself when I read about what other men think of my situation. The blogger claimed to open his mind and prayed to God that if homosexuality was right then to show him. He said that it was not right. I couldn’t help but to mutter under my breath “liar.”
There was another about how being homosexual is unnatural. Yes. It’s unnatural to you. But after being with EJ, I don’t know why I thought being with men was natural. I was living a half life as I’ve said many times in this blog. And I will probably say it again. Because I know this is not going to be my last time I struggle with this. Fortunately, for me these times are being coming further apart. And this is because I have accepted myself and I have the love of a wonderful woman.
I always feel anger and shame and guilt when I am being taught by man. But when I sit with God by myself and read the Good News. The Gospel of grace and forgiveness. I can always hear a voice say to me that I am loved. I am important. I have been perfectly created in His sight. Nothing can take my relationship from me.
Having that one on one time with Him renewed my soul. I am happy to be me! I am happy to have Him!
Besides, if He didn’t want me to like girls, He shouldn’t create such hot lesbians.
“A simple lay person armed with scripture is greater than the mightiest pope without it.” How highly controversial! Scripture alone is enough. Scripture is self-authenticating, clear, its own interpreter, and sufficient as the final authority of Christian beliefs. The idea is that whoever bases their faith on scripture, whoever seeks guidance and answers in scripture, […]
via Bible-believing Bisexual?! — Wet Feet Ministry
And I’m just so happy about it! We keep having conversations about the “injustices” I am suffering from the girls’ stepmom or when we are talking about the Bible’s view on homosexuality.
“It’s because you’re gay.”
“That’s not fair just because you’re gay.”
She says it without even a stutter. I’m gay and that’s okay!
I finally told my workout buddies. I was telling LA about the book that I’m writing. She was pretty excited and wanted to read it. I told her that it was a romantic comedy… with lesbians. She was still excited to read it. She said that I didn’t have to worry about her and B. B wasn’t working out with us that night. From what I gather, LA and B are best friends. So, I figured she would’ve told her. Which I really don’t mind. I sent a little sample of the book and she loved it! Which makes me happy!
We worked out with B a couple days later and she was all smiles. Nothing had changed. I was so relieved!
They are so sweet! I am really glad we got all together as a group thanks to our trainer! Even if he is out to kill us. 😛
This is the deal on all of this. I have this unfortunate little annoying little thing at the back of my brain. I’m waiting for the bottom to drop out. Everything has been so awesome with my coming out. I read all of these sad blog posts and news stories about others not having it so great or just out right terrible!
My guard is up. It’s sad to feel this way but I’m just too scared to let it down.
We had a great church service today. It wasn’t like the other days where we stuck to the schedule. Sing a worship song, have announcements, take up offering, have the sermon, sing more worship songs and go home. Today’s schedule was all mished mashed up. We didn’t have a sermon. We just were there in His presence. We listened to other church goers say what moved them. I danced. A lot. I even got up enough courage to talk in front of the church.
I made the pastor put me on the spot. I am a very timid person when you first meet me. If I’m too shy to speak about what God has done for me, then how am I every going to be able to talk to a non-believer about it. I got up and told them about my weight loss journey. I told them that I had a weight problem since the 6th grade. I have been through every diet and exercise regimen I could think of. But they all failed. It wasn’t until relied on God’s power instead of my own will power did I start succeeding.
There were so many messages from different people. There was talk of a great revival. If you have ever been in a church. This is always said. This time I felt I could believe it. This time I felt that there was going to be change for the better. My brother-in-law spoke about the rifts within the churches. He mainly was talking about the rifts between the different denominations. But in my heart I felt it was talking about all of the rifts. The rifts between social classes, races, genders, and sexuality. It all led me back to this scripture:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
In my last post, I talked of the concern I had with telling my church that I’m gay. I was afraid that I was going to be tossed out and that it would be very sad for me because I really love this church. But I kept hearing in my heart, “Do not be afraid. I have plans not to harm you.”
Plans not to harm you.
After years of trying to pray my gay away, I finally was given an answer. My homosexuality is not what I need to focus on. This got me thinking. If God isn’t concerned about my sexuality, then I know how the revival is going to happen. There is going to be a revival because God is going to open the hearts of other Christians. He is going to let them know that everyone… EVERYONE is welcomed into His kingdom if they believe in Him. This is including and not limited to those of us that Christians have called abominations for centuries.
One the women of the church spoke of this revival that has not been like for centuries. It’s going to be big. It’s going to be wonderful. Best of all…. It’s going to be for EVERYONE!
I told my workout buddies last week that I’ll be going to New Zealand in May. They were super excited for me. I told them that I have a friend that lives there that I’ll be visiting. I didn’t tell them that it was actually my girlfriend that I’ll visiting. They don’t know I’m a lesbian.
It’s not that I’m ashamed of EJ or being a lesbian. That is the furthest from the truth. I don’t know them very well. I don’t know how they feel about the LGBT community. I just don’t want it to be awkward during our work out sessions. I don’t want them to constantly think that I’m checking them out or trying to flirt with them. But hey, on the other hand they might be cool with my lesbian self. I just don’t know.
I was reading a very interesting blog post about coming out. And how it’s just something that I’ll have to do over and over. Every time I meet someone new. Here’s a little snippet of what was written in the blog that made me realize that coming out is just not a one shot deal or not even a five shot deal.
Pretty much every time you meet a new person you have to go through the process all over again. That’s right, another chance to be rejected by or receive a disgusted response from each new person that you will ever meet in your entire life. Yay.
I am still very new at this and I hadn’t realized how true this is. I will be coming out for the rest of my life. Yet another reason I get to look at heterosexual people all crazy like when they ask me why I chose this life. Woo hoo!!
Read Gutsy Gelder’s entire blog post: What You Don’t Realise About Coming Out