Posted in lesbian

Wanted: More Lesbians

I’ve decided that I need more lesbian friends in my life.  I have had the pleasure of meeting some awesome lady loving ladies online but I have felt that I’ve been missing something in my life.  It’s kind of like getting married friends when you’re married.  Or finding friends with kids when you’ve had kids.

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I’ve been out as being lesbian for about 3 years or so and I’ve been out as bisexual (HA!) for even longer than that.  But I’ve never been a part of the LGBT community since I’ve came out.  I’ve been blessed to have a bisexual best friend.  But for as long as I’ve known her, she’s only been with men.  I think she had once told me that she prefers to have sex with men. (Ew.)

I have a gay male friend.  We’ve been friends for ages and ages!  We grew up next to each other since we were 7 years old. Since Trump was elected, our relationship seems strained. I mentioned on Facebook that I would give Trump a chance – and trust me that horrible man blew through all the chances I could give him in a thousand lifetimes within his first week of his presidency.  I wonder if I were in the community more I would know not to say anything like that.  I was just tired of my friends and family being attacked for voting for Trump – even if I did want to ring their necks.  I still love them all.  And since I’ve said that, it’s been weird.

I need some seasoned lesbians to take me under their wings and show me the ropes, I suppose.  I just feel that I’m missing that feeling of solidarity.  When I go to Pride Fest with my best friend, I just feel so much… well… pride for who we are and who I am.  I don’t want that feeling to go away once I get in my car and start driving home.

But here’s the really big issue.  I’ll have to overcome my introverted ways.  How can I go out and meet new people if I can’t be bothered to leave the house?  Perhaps I should call my best friend and have her go out with me.  She says she’s sick of men and might start dating women again so I’m sure I can coax her into it.

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Wish me luck, y’all!

Posted in lesbian, Writing

Decisions Decisions

It boggles my mind how one decision could have such an impact on my life. I am out to my close friends and family. But I’m not particularly all the way out. From what I believe, my church doesn’t know that I’m gay. The people that work at my place of employment don’t know. My kids’ friends’ parents don’t know. Acquaintances don’t know.

But they should know. I shouldn’t be actively trying to hide this fact. I’m out to the people that matter and if they don’t matter then I shouldn’t even care. They do matter. My church matters. I don’t want them to constantly worry and fret over me. I’m neurotic. So, maybe they won’t. The only view I have heard spoken at the pulpit is one of welcoming LGBT people into the church.

So, what’s this decision that has such a heavy weight on my mind? The decision on whether I should use a pen name or my real name when publishing my lesbian romance books.

Vocab Lesson!!!

neu·rot·ic.
[n(y)o͝oˈrädik]

NOUN

1. a neurotic person

2. Miss Vee

I’m pretty sure my English teacher taught us that we can’t use the word in the definition. But what do I know?? I’m still obsessing over what people think of me. I’ve been obsessing over this for the past 35 years. I am slowly making my way out of it. But this is going to be a long journey, people.

By the beginning of June, everyone is going to know after they see my vacation pics of me cuddling up with and kissing my girlfriend. That’s going to be the real kicker to all of this. I am just preparing to rip this Band-Aid off once and for all. Cuz it’s getting kind of gross and dirty and it’s just painfully dangling off of my arm hair.

Posted in lesbian, Relationships

It Can Be a Bitch.

As some of you may know, I am an aspiring author.  For those of you who don’t know, I was in the middle of writing a romantic comedy loosely based on my life and dating in my thirties. And then EJ came into my life turned my whole world upside down.

After I came out to myself, the story now sits in my laptop unfinished. I have had to think of my next steps. Do I make the main characters lesbians? Or do I scrap it and start over.  I hope I don’t sound completely ignorant to my lovely lesbian readers but I am left wondering is the lesbian dating world the same as the straight scene? Can I just insert the lesbians here and leave the rest alone?

I have no experiences in my new and wonderful world. I’ve never dated other women. I’ve never had sex with a woman. I’ve made out with women before and boy oh boy are they so much better kissers than men. Wowie! So do I just have an entire book of make out sessions? Ha!

I am head over heels for EJ. But sometimes I can’t help to think if I should have some experiences of my own. Then there’s the question of would I be OK with her having her own experiences. And the answer to that is no. Heh…  Oh boy.

But after many discussions with my Honey Bee, I have decided to re-write this book with Lesbian leading ladies. I am very excited and unfortunately all I can think about at work is writing and not being able to wait to get home to do write. Which makes for crazy long days at said occupation!

I need some help! Can my lesbian readers share how they met their partners? If you’re single, how do get out there and mingle? I would also love to hear about any dating blunders! Let me live vicariously through you all!

Posted in homosexuality, lesbian, LGBT

Coming Out Bit by Bit

I told my workout buddies last week that I’ll be going to New Zealand in May. They were super excited for me. I told them that I have a friend that lives there that I’ll be visiting. I didn’t tell them that it was actually my girlfriend that I’ll visiting. They don’t know I’m a lesbian.

It’s not that I’m ashamed of EJ or being a lesbian. That is the furthest from the truth. I don’t know them very well. I don’t know how they feel about the LGBT community. I just don’t want it to be awkward during our work out sessions. I don’t want them to constantly think that I’m checking them out or trying to flirt with them. But hey, on the other hand they might be cool with my lesbian self. I just don’t know.

I was reading a very interesting blog post about coming out. And how it’s just something that I’ll have to do over and over. Every time I meet someone new. Here’s a little snippet of what was written in the blog that made me realize that coming out is just not a one shot deal or not even a five shot deal.

Pretty much every time you meet a new person you have to go through the process all over again. That’s right, another chance to be rejected by or receive a disgusted response from each new person that you will ever meet in your entire life. Yay.

I am still very new at this and I hadn’t realized how true this is. I will be coming out for the rest of my life. Yet another reason I get to look at heterosexual people all crazy like when they ask me why I chose this life. Woo hoo!!

Read Gutsy Gelder’s entire blog post: What You Don’t Realise About Coming Out

Posted in lesbian

A Bittersweet Realization

I am OBSESSED with WordPress!  I love reading blogs.  I love writing blogs.  My girlfriend can attest to this because usually I start a conversation a couple times a day with “So there’s this blog I was reading…”  Followed by a playful “Imagine that” from EJ.  So let me start this post out with… So there’s this blog I was reading…

It was the standard blog post about how people can be so ignorant about the LBGTQ community.  But there was something that struck me that I had never read before.

My wife and I have been heckled in the street and spat on. We always consider where we are and who we are with, and adjust our behaviour accordingly in order to avoid drawing any unpleasant responses from people. It’s not a nice way to live.

~Laura Black – blackspotsite.com

It made me come to a bittersweet realization. I am very happy that I have found out that I’m gay. I feel more confident about who I am as a whole person. I am overjoyed that I’ve found someone like EJ. But I am also faced with the sad realization that I will probably be doing the same thing as Laura and her wife.

I will probably have to refrain from holding my girlfriend’s hand in public in certain environments.  I won’t be able to just lean over and kiss her whenever I feel like in fear for our safety.  I will never be able to introduce her as my girlfriend at church.  Who knows if I’ll even be welcome.  Which is sad because I really love that church.

I don’t know.  Maybe I’m being paranoid.  Everything is all peaches and roses at the moment because my Honey Bee and I are not faced with everyday idiocy because general public really does not know that we are lesbians.

The LGBTQ community has come a long way but it still feels like we will lead bittersweet lives of being proud and out but yet not really being able to be proud and out without being hurt.

Read Laura’s full post here: I’m a lesbian, therefore I hate men

Posted in lesbian

The Cute Girl Got Eliminated

SPOILER ALERT for the those of you who watch Ellen’s Design Challenge and have last week’s on DVR.  The girl that I thought was really cute got eliminated.  I’m very sad that I no longer have eye candy when I’m watching that show.
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Don’t worry there will be some insight in this post besides my little reality TV crushes no longer being in my life every week.  This is currently important because I am still very uncomfortable with being myself.

Back when I was “straight” I could jokingly say “If I were gay, I’d be all over that!”  But now that I am gay, I can’t find the balls to say that I find a girl attractive when it really wouldn’t have been a big deal to anyone who was watching the show with me.

Another issue that I’m having with this is being self conscious about when I comment that a guy is attractive. “Will they think I’m not gay if I say that I still crush on Johnny Depp and Tom Hiddleston?” I have always said that men were nice to look at but having relationships with them… Well… *shudders* I think it is the same idea when straight women say another woman is beautiful or gorgeous. Oh! That’s good! I’ll use that as my argument if I were faced with such a conversation. But again, I probably will never have that conversation because most of this stuff is all in my head.

Someday I hope to be able to openly say that I find this actress attractive or that I could watch that female carpenter work with her hands all day everyday!  But I guess for now, I’m still growing in confidence.  And that’s ok.  I’ll get to be big ole gay self without any restrictions and it’s going to be fabulous!

Posted in lesbian, Relationships

The Curse of a Double Life

If you don’t know, I am an aspiring novelist.  Back in my “straight” days, I had a blog on tumblr highlighting the highs and lows of online dating.  It was quite a trip that I decided that I wanted to write a novel on the comical events of dating online in my 30s.  I got halfway through it when I realized that I am gay.

Now I have this half written book of a girl wanting to do things to dudes that I just can’t stomach anymore.  What do I do?  Do I replace all the relationships with same sex participants or do I just scrap the whole thing?

I’m leaning towards the latter.  It really sucks.  But according to a personality test that EJ and I did, I won’t be able to finish any of these novels anyways and that I should just stick to blogging.

Aren’t you a bunch of lucky readers!