This is what cracks me up about Christianity. The followers are so diverse. I am not sure if this is the same way for other religions or not. But there are so many shades of the Christian. We have the staunch strict Christian where everything is a sin and that we should repent for everything. And then there’s the mellow easygoing Christian where everyone is saved and if you sin then you just won’t have a castle as nice as the other Christian.
This is what messes me up about Christianity. What is it then? There are so many interpretations of the Word. Some go by it word for word and others pick and choose what scriptures to follow or twist the words entirely. It is almost impossible to compare my walk with someone else’s or I’ll just go insane. Actually, I have gone insane. I don’t know what direction is up.
I know that my walk is my own. I am salvation sure. I know where I’m going in my afterlife. But yet, I fret about how I’m living my life and who I’m living it with. I always thought that if I asked Jesus into my heart and I believe he died for my sins then I have a place in Heaven. I really need to look into this repenting stuff. I really need to get my answers from the source. This is why I intend to pray everyday.
Yesterday, I was going to write in my blog after being on hiatus for about 2 months. I was going to talk about my thoughts on certain events that have transpired in the LGBT community. (YAY!! LOVE WINS!!) And a funny thing happened halfway through typing it. While I was looking up different sources to my would be last entry of my blog, I started reading the customer reviews. Of course, there was a left side and a right side. Things started happening inside my mind. I started questioning who I am, my faith, and then a surprise twist, questioning if there really is a God. Yeah. It was a heavy day for me.
Come to find out… I have a lot of soul searching to do. I realized that when I’m on the internet or when I am asking various people they views and thoughts about how I should be feeling, I take on what they are saying. I am taking the life experiences of others and applying them directly to my life. One person who supports the LGBT community may say it’s ok for me to have a relationship with a woman because God loves you know matter what. And then I have another person on the Christianity side of things saying that God does love you but since Eve took a bite of that apple, evil was let into the world and you need to pray the Gay away. I have heard it from both sides and it’s tearing me right in half. Although, I do have to hand it to you true Christians, being a Christian is TOUGH! Especially, if you’re a Christian and you’re identifying yourself as something other than straight.
And out of all of this mess, there are two truths. First, my relationship with God is a personal experience. I cannot go off on what it is right for one person. I must experience my spirituality and my faith on my own. I know that it may seem like a “DUH!” statement but I’m an over thinker (now you’re allowed to say DUH to that! Ha!) My walk with God is my own. My human life has WAY different experiences than with someone who is a cookie cutter Christian. And I get hung up on this. I start comparing myself to that. Why couldn’t I have been straight? Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with a Christian man and got married first and then had sex and then children? But that is NOT my life. That’s not something that will never be true of me. I have been on this planet for 36 years of my life. There is no turning back. There are no regrets.
Secondly, there is my girl. Time and time again she has proven to me to be loyal and understanding. She is my rock and she has been with me through all of this mess of searching for my true self. She has been there for me when I am rocking back and forth on my beliefs and on my confidence of who I am as a person. She cannot be replaced. It’s not very often in life you meet someone when you’re almost 40 and they have an ability to impact your life and to mold you into something different. She gave my heart hope that I was capable of love again after a vast number of disappointments. She is just so wonderful and amazing. And I am NEVER letting her out of my life unless she wishes it.
So the long and short of it is that I am not ready to let her or God go. I just need some time to search my soul and my spirituality and to form my own thoughts and listen to what God and my heart has to say. This is something I should have been doing a long time. Like I said before, I was going about it all wrong.