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That Church is so Gay!

As you may recall from a past post that my therapist wanted me to find a pastor that could tell me that being gay is okay.  And you may have also recalled that I said that I wouldn’t believe the pastor if such a pastor existed.  These are the events that transpired that led me to gaychurch.org:

I was whining to my friends that I wasn’t going to church because I believed my church wouldn’t accept me.  My bestie said that she would research churches that accept gay people.  But not to expect her to go with me.  Which is a bummer cuz I wouldn’t want to start a new church on my own.  Weeks passed by before I started to do research on my own.

I had another therapy session since then.  My therapist had told me that there are LGBT churches in major cities in my state and that I should look into them.  He said that I could really benefit with the fellowship of people who have been through what I’m going through.  I thought it would be a great idea even if I didn’t go every week because the commute would be crazy.  I could go once a month.  He wasn’t for certain where the churches were so I had to do my own research.

I googled searched for LBGT accepting churches and one of the first search results was gaychurch.org.  I went on the website and I searched for churches in my area.  I really didn’t expect any churches to come up around my area so I broadened my search for statewide.  And to my surprise, there are 2 LGBT affirming churches in the city I live in!  Excellent!

I really wasn’t sure what LGBT affirming churches meant.  Here’s the definition from gaychurch.org:

We define the word “affirming” as meaning the church does not view homosexuality in and of itself as a sin, and therefore they would welcome and treat a homosexual person no differently than any other person who walked through their church doors seeking Christ. We also believe that a fully affirming congregation allows ALL people the ability (as much as denominational polity allows) to be involved in all aspects of the life of the community.

There is also a lot of information about homosexuality and the Bible.  This information is in the form of “sermons, articles, and studies on a wide range of topics, many focusing on the gay, lesbian, and transgender community.”  It also has information on affirming denominations and same sex marriages.  It really is a great starting point for the gay Christian that really doesn’t know where to start.  I’ve put the link up on my Extras page.

I’m still not sure if I could muster up enough courage to go to a new church on my own.  But maybe I should.  Maybe it will be good for me!   I have been on a lot of these churches websites to see what they look like and what they are all about.  It really does give me hope.  We shall see.  Maybe even my girl will go with me someday.  I can only hope.

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An Open Letter to my Girlfriend’s Ex

Dear Mr. Ex;

Hi. How are you?  From the sounds of it, not so great.  Believe me, I know how you feel.  I know you don’t believe me but you should.  I just felt like I should talk to you.  I know it would be awkward and probably end up not being good if I did actually talk to you.  So, I’m writing you this letter.  Maybe you’ll read it someday.

From what I’ve heard you are all over the place.  One day you are super supportive and then one minute you’re tearing her down.  I totally respect you when you are being supportive and I totally understand when you get upset.  Let me give you some advice.  You need to stop listening in on our conversations and reading our texts. It is only going to hurt you even more than you already are.  She is a lesbian.  She is not going to take you back.  I know that you think that you’re less of man because you couldn’t keep her from being gay.  But that just means that you are too much of a man.  Maybe if you were an effeminate man…. But then you would still have a penis… so never mind.

We have not seriously discussed marriage.  We have made comments jokingly.  Although, we should be able to discuss whatever we feel like.  Please do not worry that I’m trying to steal your kids.  I totally respect that you want to be in their lives and they need you to be in their lives.  I will wait for her for as long as it takes.  I have my whole life ahead of me.  I don’t want anyone else.

I heard there was a discussion that she was being selfish because she’s not putting the kids first.  You said that she can’t afford the things you can so her kids will be without.  I know that I’m over 8,000 miles (13K km) but I will make sure your kids will never be without with the things they need.  I will spoil them like my own kids.  Your kids will be well taken care between all of us.  You also said she’s selfish because she is going out on her own and looking for her own happiness.  But isn’t that what you’re doing by demanding her to stay?

I also heard that you believe nothing will change when she moves out.  You believe you will get a key to her house and show up whenever you feel like.  You even mentioned that you want to cuddle on the couch and watch TV.  That’s just not going to happen.  My girls’ dad and I have a very open and friendly relationship.  We still hang out at social events that have to do with the girls.  We still text and make jokes with each other.  But neither one of us has each other’s house keys nor we would EVER even think about cuddling.

You really do sound like a good guy.  Trust me.  You will find a woman who will want you completely.  A woman you don’t have to live a half-life with because she won’t be living a lie.  You both deserve happiness.  You both need to teach your children how they should feel in a relationship.  They need to see complete love and respect.  Right now, you are asking her to hide her true self and asking her to be unhappy for the rest of her life.  Would you want that for your daughter?  Would you want her partner to treat her like that?

I know it is overwhelming to hear that your girlfriend is a lesbian and she’s in love with an American.  But believe me, it will get better if you just move on.  She is not going to stop being gay and take you back.  It doesn’t work like that.  I truly do hope we can be friendly with each other in the future.  I don’t want this to be a bad breakup.  I would totally lose my mind if I lost her too.

All the best,
Miss Vee

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I Have Fingernails

I know that might sound like a funny title.  But ever since I could remember, I always chewed my nails.  It is a nervous habit.  I thought that I would always chew my nails for the rest of my life.  Then I met her.  When I met my girl over a year ago, I didn’t feel nervous anymore.  She melts my nervousness away.  I love that about her.

When we “broke up” at the beginning of the year because I was fighting my sexuality, I started biting my nails again.  I tried to hide it from her when I would send her pics of me holding things because I didn’t want her to worry about me.  My nervousness came back in full force.  I was miserable.  That was when I knew she was the one.  No one has ever made me feel the way she does.  She is able to take the bad feelings away.  It’s funny how a bad habit makes you think about your future.  Is that just me?

This past week has been Hell.  My kid broke her leg.  I had a procedure that didn’t turn out as expected.  I was nervous about the new software system at work.  I was worried about coming out to my sister.  If it was in the past, my nails would be so far gone they would hurt.  But I have fingernails.  I will always have fingernails because of her.  I can’t imagine myself with anyone else.  She is my rock and my support.  I adore her so very much.

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Untitled: Cuz I Couldn’t Find Anything Clever for the Title

As you know, I have been off Facebook for quite some time.  I do, however, have an Instagram account.  I’ve really enjoyed it.  I like looking at people’s pictures which was the main appeal for Facebook in the first place.  I ran away to Instagram because it was an awesome break from all the politics and the gay bashing.  And then this happened….

There was a picture that my cousin’s wife uploaded.  It stated: “You can be gay.  And you can be a Christian.  But you can’t be a Gay Christian!”  And then it quoted a Scripture 1 Corinthians 6:9.  Lately, I have been very smart about when people throw scriptures up and use it in a context to twist what God really means to justify the hate they spew.  When someone throws a scripture up, I immediately read the whole chapter to see what it’s all about.  I’m not a Bible scholar and I’m not here to try to convince people that they are wrong or anything like that.  I’m just saying, be smart people.  Don’t let anyone try to make you feel bad because they used a single scripture in order to condemn people.  Pray about the scriptures you are reading.  Pray for an open mind and an open heart.

According to 2 Corinthians 5:17, I am made new because I have accepted Christ.  Even if you read further down the chapter of 1 Corinthians 6, it confirms that all of that has been washed away.  This chapter also tackles Sexual Immorality.  What I have with my girl is not immoral at all.  Actually, we haven’t even had sex yet.  Our relationship is not based on sex.  It’s based on love and understanding.

So go ahead and tell me that I can’t be a Gay Christian because my response will be “Watch me!”

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Love Conquers Hate or We Are No Better

I was disturbed to the point of anger at Kim Davis’ rally after she was released from jail last week.  I sent a text to my friend that I had just recently came out to about how I was so angry.  I told him “I wondered why one of my massage instructors was so angry and bitter after she came out.  But now I know why.” He replied “Do not hold onto that hate.  It will eat you alive.”

I almost let the anger get the better of me.  I almost forgotten that if I hate her the way she hates us then I am no better than her.  I have to show the world that it won’t get me down.  It won’t make me jaded.  There are a lot of things to be thankful for and to be happy about.  And people like Davis will never have a change of mind.  And weirdly, I admire her for that.  Even though it’s a backasswards thinking, she never let up.  I must do that with my love.  Even when haters are getting me down left and right and I just want to judo chop them in the neck, I must remember that I’m better than that and that I would much rather spend my time and energy on love.

Let’s quote the Bible, shall we?  Mark 12:30-31 reads:  AND YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH.’ “The second is this, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

She sure is doing the first commandment right but the second one is much to be desired.  Does this mean she hates herself?  This is a possibility.  I have hated myself for so long.  And that’s where all this anger is coming from.  I have come so far.  I’ve got so far to go.  I don’t want to go backwards on this.  Anger and hate has no place in my heart.  And I have been commanded to Love EVERYONE…. Even narrow minded hate mongers.  We all walk through this life with different hopes, fears, beliefs, and dreams.  Some focus on these differently.  We all must come together and not hate.  Christianity must find that love again that Christ had commanded us to give.  Only then will we have a truly fulfilled life through God.  Read your Bible.  It is full of information about love and forgiveness.  The New Testament shows that the best.  Make our God proud to be called His children.

And that’s what I plan to do.  I plan to make Him proud.  I plan to counteract hate with love.  Intolerance with forgiveness.  I feel that I am growing as a person.  And I would not change a thing about me at this moment.  I used to wish I was straight or skinny or have bigger boobs.  I wish I wasn’t who I am.  Well, that’s just crazy talk!  I love who God made me to be.  A loving, thick, flat chested, spiritual Lesbian.  I am starting to love me a little more every day.

Please pray for our country.  Please pray that we are guided by love, tolerance, and forgiveness.  That is the only way our country can truly begin to heal.  Go out and love and serve people.

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Therapy Session: I want to have my cake and eat it too

I HATE the expression “You want to have your cake and eat it too.”  OF COURSE I DO!!  Why would I hold onto a piece of cake and not eat it as well??  At my latest therapy session my therapist described me as this statement.  He said to me: “It sounds like you want your cake and eat it too.  You want to be a Lesbian but not have all the consequences that come with it.”  Owie.  That was a blow to my ego.  Of course, I do.  What person who is struggling with their sexuality and their spirituality not want this??  This is why I am afraid of coming out.  The backlash.  Like I said in my VERY FIRST post, I care what people think.  I am an empath.  I am very sensitive to people’s moods and issues.  I don’t want one of their issues to be me.  My therapist went on to say some very interesting things about the people I am most afraid of getting the backlash from.

Of course, number one is my sister.  He said that when people of faith struggle with coming out it’s because we superimpose our higher power on the people we hold with high regard.  I am superimposing God to my sister and this makes it difficult because I fear the fire and brimstone from her.  When in fact, she is not God.  She is a human just like me.  Even though she may be the most Christ-like person I know personally, she cannot cast judgement upon me and throw me into the depths of Hell.  Which I’m pretty certain, would never happen if she were God.  Hold on…..  Holy Crap!!  I just had a breakthrough whilst typing this blog post!!  What happens if I superimpose my sister onto God??  What if I think of God as loving family member who only wants best for me and only wants to see me happy??  WHOA!  I love when I have spontaneous breakthroughs.  But I digress…  My therapist told me that I need to take my sister off of the God pedestal and put her down on the ground with me.  She is not going to judge me to damnation and she is not going to think any less of me.  He said that may take the heat off of me coming out to her.  He also posed this question: “What if she gets upset because you didn’t come out to her all this time?”  Well geez, Mr. Therapist Guy, I didn’t think of that.  Now there is one more thought to float around in my brainpan that is already full to capacity about to burst.  So now, it’s a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation with my sister.

He asked me if there was anybody on the outside that I’m afraid of the backlash from.  I told him yes.  I told him there is a family who are very strict Baptists.  So strict, that the man got up and left the room because my mom was watching the Ellen DeGeneres Show because he does not believe in the gay lifestyle.  My therapist was telling me that those views are old fashioned and Neanderthal like.  He said that nothing I could do would change that man’s mind.   He asked me why I am giving this Neanderthal so much of my power.  He doesn’t even matter in my life.  I should take my power back because in all honesty, that man is probably already looking down on me for other reasons than my sexuality.

I love my therapy sessions!  It is so awesome to talk to a third party and having someone there that is so patient about helping people with their mental health.  He wants me to come out as soon as possible.  He said that most of my anxiety and panic attacks will go away.

I read an excerpt from my personal journal that I had been keeping since after my first session.  It was talking about how I was unsure that I am even gay.  And that my mind is so messed up that it won’t let me go.   “Am I the hardest person to accept me as what I am?”  He said “Hold up! Read that last part again.”  I repeated myself and then he said that he wants me to post that anywhere that it is visible.  Because that is exactly true.  I am the hardest person to accept me as me.  I was scrolling through the Freshly Pressed section and I came across a blog post that was me all the way!  He was confused and he was ashamed.  He prayed that God would take the gay away but God never answered his prayers.  He met his fiancé and within 24 hours his life had changed.  This reminded me so much of my conversation with the friend that the same background as me.  She said the day she met her girlfriend she knew she was the one for her.  Within the same time frame of meeting my girl, my whole life was changed and there was hope for me in this world for love.  I was confused so long and all it took was one chance meeting.

His assignment for me was to find a pastor that I could talk to that will tell me that it is OK to be gay.  I’m not certain there is such a pastor and if there is would I really believe him/her because my mind is so ingrained with the teachings of that little Foursquare Church when I was a child that I don’t think my brain would believe him/her.  My therapist believes that if I hear it from a pastor that it would take a lot of heat off of God for me.  I am sure such pastors exist.  I am just not sure they exist in my surrounding area.

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Transformation: Part Two

I’ve started therapy about a month ago.  A good friend of mine who is a Christian and a lesbian said that therapy helped her out a great deal.  I was in for my follow up appointment with my Family Physician about my anti-depressant dosage.  My happy pills weren’t doing their job.  She decided to max out my dose before she prescribed me a different medication.  Then she asked me if I had any new stresses in my life. UH YEAH!!  I had told about what was going on and about my inner struggle.  She told me that there was a new psychologist in the same building.  She said that he is wonderful!  So, I decided to check it out. Here is the text that I sent to my girl about the first experience (I sent a couple of my friends a similar text message):

“At first I was nervous. I’ve done this whole talking to a professional before so it wasn’t like I was new to this game. He was very nice at first. He asked me for my driver’s license and health insurance card to make copies for billing purposes.

As he was doing this, I looked around his office. Of course, there were the obligatory Rorschach inkblots hung on the wall. And then my gaze landed on his desk. On the wall, there was a tiny picture that said This Pope Gives Me Hope. My first reaction was “Oh. Great. Is he going to judge me?” I feel terrible that I felt that way about seeing the pope. Catholicism is not my religion but we believe in the same deity. And also, this new pope has been very tolerant to the LGBT community. Then the guilt sunk in. And looked the other direction and there were about 6 or 7 tiny Buddha figurines on the window sill. I felt calmer. Maybe he’s just like me. Spiritual but not tied down my biblical laws.

He came back in and we started the whole initial office visit. He got some background information. Then he asked me why I need his help. I told him that I’m Christian and I was raised in a Christian home but I’m Lesbian. He was like “ok I can see why you came in.”

He was awesome! He told me lots of things that made me think. I’ll tell you about it during Skype. It’s a lot of information. It will be best to tell you than to type it all out.

I am feeling more confident that this will help me even further!! I am just so excited to get help with this!”

He, in fact, is amazing!!  He helped me think of things that I didn’t think of.  He told me that sometimes our friends and family are sending us little clues to let us know that it’s ok to come out to them.  I thought back to the time when my sister reassured me that she didn’t believe my gay friends were going to Hell.  Could this have been a clue?  I could very well just be overthinking everything.  This is not a surprise.  But I am so gut wrenching afraid to tell her.  I don’t want our relationship to change.  We have such an awesome one!!

After I had my first session, I set out to write in a journal.  I know that I write a lot in my blog but this is more personal.  My thoughts and feelings that are my own that I want to keep ownership of… on my own.  Let me tell you!! That first journal entry was intense.  So much so that I had a panic attack in my car on my lunch break.  My therapist told me that anxiety either comes from fear or anger.  He asked me which one my anxiety came from.  I told him fear.  I had been afraid for so long that I had forgotten how angry I was in the beginning of my discovery.  I was SO ANGRY!!  And I wrote down all of the situations that made me enraged.  Full on RAGE MONSTER.  I am not usually an angry person.  I’m more of a sad person and/or cryer.  I could not shake the anger.   I was angry at everyone!  Even angry at my better half because I was in denial.  I couldn’t possibly be a lesbian!!  I’m a Christian!!  God made me perfect in his sight.  I’ve been saved by the blood of the Lamb!  There is NO WAY I am a lesbian!!  It was such a dark time for me.  I hated myself, I hated my family, and I hated my God.  And nobody around me knew how much hate I had inside of me.  Everyone knew I was depressed.  I had been for almost my entire life but I don’t believe they knew about how much hate I had inside of me.  I was a monster.  <<queue the panic attack>>

I looked down at my scribbled writing and it all came back.  It had attached itself to my heart.  I remembered the pain.  I felt the pain like I had still had it flowing through my veins.  I did not want to live like that again.  That is not how my God wants me to live.  I took a chill pill and re-evaluated my life.  I have come so far from those days of hate.  I have a closer relationship with My God.  I keep calling Him My God because He is not the God that rains fire and brimstone from the heavens on the sinners.  My God is all-loving, all-forgiving, and all-powerful.  My God does not care that I want to be with a woman.  My God loves me and wants me to be closer to Him.  He cares not who I share my life with.  I must share this insightful little text exchange one of my dear friends and I had when I came out to her last week (WARNING: Very Naughty Language!:P):

“Girl… I could go on with this for days. It’s something I’m going through too.  Not due to gayness or anything but being sick of this shit in general.  I’m raised Catholic and have come to the conclusion that I hate Catholics.  Old school organized religions pray to a God that is mean.  He’s horrible and that is man made by people who want to control shit.  Men particularly. And the result is all this bullshit. WTF kinda God is that?  Then they carry on about God is awesome and forgiving. Makes no fucking sense. None of this makes sense. The new generation is understanding that creating religions based on peace and happiness and forgiveness which is what I’m pretty sure God is actually about. Not about being a fucking tyrant.

Your friends and family will be disappointed momentarily. But they’ll get over it.  It’s not like you’ve converted over to Satanism.  You aren’t letting God down.  It’s people who suck.  You need to grab your balls and tell them all you aren’t listening anymore and if they need you, you’ll be in the next room drinking a beer and not caring.”

I love my Cajun hothead.  Haha!  But she is totally speaking what I’m feeling!  My God is all-loving and all-forgiving.  I am not going to love a God who hates.  My God doesn’t hate.  And if y’all don’t like it, I’ll be in the next room drinking a beer and not caring.