I’ve started therapy about a month ago. A good friend of mine who is a Christian and a lesbian said that therapy helped her out a great deal. I was in for my follow up appointment with my Family Physician about my anti-depressant dosage. My happy pills weren’t doing their job. She decided to max out my dose before she prescribed me a different medication. Then she asked me if I had any new stresses in my life. UH YEAH!! I had told about what was going on and about my inner struggle. She told me that there was a new psychologist in the same building. She said that he is wonderful! So, I decided to check it out. Here is the text that I sent to my girl about the first experience (I sent a couple of my friends a similar text message):
“At first I was nervous. I’ve done this whole talking to a professional before so it wasn’t like I was new to this game. He was very nice at first. He asked me for my driver’s license and health insurance card to make copies for billing purposes.
As he was doing this, I looked around his office. Of course, there were the obligatory Rorschach inkblots hung on the wall. And then my gaze landed on his desk. On the wall, there was a tiny picture that said This Pope Gives Me Hope. My first reaction was “Oh. Great. Is he going to judge me?” I feel terrible that I felt that way about seeing the pope. Catholicism is not my religion but we believe in the same deity. And also, this new pope has been very tolerant to the LGBT community. Then the guilt sunk in. And looked the other direction and there were about 6 or 7 tiny Buddha figurines on the window sill. I felt calmer. Maybe he’s just like me. Spiritual but not tied down my biblical laws.
He came back in and we started the whole initial office visit. He got some background information. Then he asked me why I need his help. I told him that I’m Christian and I was raised in a Christian home but I’m Lesbian. He was like “ok I can see why you came in.”
He was awesome! He told me lots of things that made me think. I’ll tell you about it during Skype. It’s a lot of information. It will be best to tell you than to type it all out.
I am feeling more confident that this will help me even further!! I am just so excited to get help with this!”
He, in fact, is amazing!! He helped me think of things that I didn’t think of. He told me that sometimes our friends and family are sending us little clues to let us know that it’s ok to come out to them. I thought back to the time when my sister reassured me that she didn’t believe my gay friends were going to Hell. Could this have been a clue? I could very well just be overthinking everything. This is not a surprise. But I am so gut wrenching afraid to tell her. I don’t want our relationship to change. We have such an awesome one!!
After I had my first session, I set out to write in a journal. I know that I write a lot in my blog but this is more personal. My thoughts and feelings that are my own that I want to keep ownership of… on my own. Let me tell you!! That first journal entry was intense. So much so that I had a panic attack in my car on my lunch break. My therapist told me that anxiety either comes from fear or anger. He asked me which one my anxiety came from. I told him fear. I had been afraid for so long that I had forgotten how angry I was in the beginning of my discovery. I was SO ANGRY!! And I wrote down all of the situations that made me enraged. Full on RAGE MONSTER. I am not usually an angry person. I’m more of a sad person and/or cryer. I could not shake the anger. I was angry at everyone! Even angry at my better half because I was in denial. I couldn’t possibly be a lesbian!! I’m a Christian!! God made me perfect in his sight. I’ve been saved by the blood of the Lamb! There is NO WAY I am a lesbian!! It was such a dark time for me. I hated myself, I hated my family, and I hated my God. And nobody around me knew how much hate I had inside of me. Everyone knew I was depressed. I had been for almost my entire life but I don’t believe they knew about how much hate I had inside of me. I was a monster. <<queue the panic attack>>
I looked down at my scribbled writing and it all came back. It had attached itself to my heart. I remembered the pain. I felt the pain like I had still had it flowing through my veins. I did not want to live like that again. That is not how my God wants me to live. I took a chill pill and re-evaluated my life. I have come so far from those days of hate. I have a closer relationship with My God. I keep calling Him My God because He is not the God that rains fire and brimstone from the heavens on the sinners. My God is all-loving, all-forgiving, and all-powerful. My God does not care that I want to be with a woman. My God loves me and wants me to be closer to Him. He cares not who I share my life with. I must share this insightful little text exchange one of my dear friends and I had when I came out to her last week (WARNING: Very Naughty Language!:P):
“Girl… I could go on with this for days. It’s something I’m going through too. Not due to gayness or anything but being sick of this shit in general. I’m raised Catholic and have come to the conclusion that I hate Catholics. Old school organized religions pray to a God that is mean. He’s horrible and that is man made by people who want to control shit. Men particularly. And the result is all this bullshit. WTF kinda God is that? Then they carry on about God is awesome and forgiving. Makes no fucking sense. None of this makes sense. The new generation is understanding that creating religions based on peace and happiness and forgiveness which is what I’m pretty sure God is actually about. Not about being a fucking tyrant.
Your friends and family will be disappointed momentarily. But they’ll get over it. It’s not like you’ve converted over to Satanism. You aren’t letting God down. It’s people who suck. You need to grab your balls and tell them all you aren’t listening anymore and if they need you, you’ll be in the next room drinking a beer and not caring.”
I love my Cajun hothead. Haha! But she is totally speaking what I’m feeling! My God is all-loving and all-forgiving. I am not going to love a God who hates. My God doesn’t hate. And if y’all don’t like it, I’ll be in the next room drinking a beer and not caring.