What I’m Thankful For

I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving! Of course, this is the one time of year where I force myself to stop and look around. I reflect on all the blessings around me and those blessings that tend to get buried when piles of homework show up on the desk or when surgery of a daughter consumes all of the minutes of the day I usually have for myself.

As you all may or may not know, I’m an introvert. Big family gatherings are DEFINITELY not my thing. For the past few years, I blissfully just had pizza with my mom on the day of thanks and Thank God every year for not having to be at a big family gathering. This year was different. Every year for the past few years, the girls’ dad would take them to their grandmother’s in Michigan. This was the first year after his divorce, and he would only have his little boy for 24 hours. Not enough time to travel to Michigan for the holiday. So, I invited him over. Which then snowballed into his mother coming over and then my sister and little niece and then my grandparents.  It turned into what I hated the most…. a gathering! *queue shrieks of terror*

I didn’t really fear at as much as I usually would because this will be mine and the girls’ last Thanksgiving for a minute. I thought I should try to do some semblance of a get-together. One last hurrah if you will. I even made the pies! I was so very proud of myself. I made a pumpkin pie, and a pecan pie as these pies would be made at our very first Kiwi Thanksgiving.

Let me tell you. This gathering was an utterly overwhelming nightmare. His mom drains the very life out of things. The constant chatter grated on my brain cells. Each and every single little brain cell. I prayed for the evening to end so that I could relax and wind down. When everyone was gone, and all the mess was cleaned up, I passed out hardcore!

Even though the day was an introvert’s nightmare, I was thankful for it. I was thankful for all of the friends and family that love my girls and me. I am thankful that we are able to afford a feast when others sadly can not. I was thankful for the health of all who were with us.

I am thankful for my daughter’s recovery after her surgery. I was so worried that she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. But she has beautifully, and the wound is healing great!

I am thankful for my gorgeous fiancee. I have been distant lately – not on purpose but because of the sheer volume of craziness that has been in my household as of late. My job, my schoolwork, the surgery, and the holidays – all of these things have taken time away from her, and I’m so thankful and grateful that she has stuck around. I would be so mad if the tables were turned but I am high maintenance, so there is that. I love her so much!

I hope everyone reading this has reflected on all of their blessings this holiday season. Hopefully, we can all reflect on these blessings more than once a year.

God bless you all!

The Guest List

Wedding planning has been put on the back burner with my life being so crazy at the moment. And when I say put on the back burner I mean taken off the stove entirely. The other day my wedding planning app – LadyMarry – alerted me that I haven’t been on it in a while and maybe I should see if there’s anything on my checklist that I may need to look at.

I opened the app and looked at the guest list. I don’t want to invite anyone on that list. I told Emma that we should have stuck to the plan and just got married at the courthouse and that would be it. She said we could still just get married at the courthouse and then have a family bonfire afterward. I told her I don’t want to have a party. I don’t want people.

I have a part of many weddings and this is no shocker — WEDDINGS ARE NEVER ABOUT THE TWO PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED. This makes me more and more upset as time goes by. Weddings are always about the guests. We gotta make sure the guests are fed. We gotta make sure the guests are having fun. Where are the guests going to stay if they live out of town. And at this point….

The more I think about it… the more I’m liking the idea that Emma suggested. Courthouse and then bonfire afterward. I told her that I may and probably change my mind later when I’m not dealing with a post-surgery daughter and homework that’s up to my eyeballs.

I just want to get married. That’s it. I want to be the best wife and stepmom I can be and start having awesome adventures – and some misadventures – with my giant blended family.

Happy Anniversary, My Love!

Holy crap!  Has it already been a year??

I remember that night.  I was going to wait until we actually physically met to ask EJ to officially be my girlfriend.  I was a little nervous to ask.  I knew she would say yes but I guess I just felt silly asking her.  Like we were in middle school or something.

I wanted to be official not only for the sake of us being exclusively together but it felt like I was finally officially a lesbian.  I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else.

I love my girl so much!  I seriously can’t see myself with anyone else.  And I’ve tried.  When we had our rocky beginning, I would try to imagine myself with someone else and it was the most awful feeling.  I felt physically sick.

This year has been amazing!  Actually meeting my love physically for the first time.  When we hugged, I could feel our souls connect instantly.  That first hug… I just have no words that could even come close to describing it!  Spending time with her was THE highlight of the year.  I feel so natural with her and it’s amazing to receive the same level love as I give.  I never thought that I would be loved like she loves me.

She’s my biggest fan.  My rock.  My adorable dork.  My sexy momma.  My everything.  I am just so happy and proud to call her mine!  I can’t wait to see what next year has in store for us.

I love you, honey bee!  One year down and a lifetime to go!

Long Distance Relationship

EJ and I are coming up on our one year anniversary. October 25th to be exact. And we’ve been talking for about 2 years. Anyone in a long distance relationship can tell you that they are really hard. Especially hard for those who live across the globe. As time goes on it seems to be harder.  Because we miss the other one so much.

Lately I’ve been comparing my relationship with EJ to my relationship with God. Both are so very far away and I know that they love me so very much. I also know that they are so very faithful to me. Then something happens when you’re not in constant contact with either one of them.

For those of you who have been following me almost from the beginning I talk about my Sherlock moments. For those of you who have not been following me as long, this refers to when I keep to myself and I don’t want anyone around. And that even includes the love of my life. She and I have discussed this before sometimes she has those moments but she does not have them as much as I do. I’ve been in one for about a couple weeks now and that’s when she begins to worry. She starts to think that I am going to leave her. And in the past it would have been true. I’ve done that before. I would draw into myself and not have any contact because I was having this internal struggle and I had left her in the past. So these claims and worries are not unfounded. I really do hate that I had put her in that position.

Like God, the only renewal for our relationship is contact. So when I feel this way I really need to give her a video call. But for some reason I don’t and in these moments of being antisocial drag on. Which is really sucky because she worries and I know she worries.

I’m not sure if it worries her more if I’m not worried. I have always been the girl that would cling to my partner. Hoping he would stay and doing everything I thought would please him. But with EJ, I don’t do that. I know she is going to stay. Unfortunately, as I stated above, I’ve left that worry in the back of her head because I have left.

It’s been a long time since I have had someone stick around for so long. And have them actually want to stick around. So this is kind of new territory for me. Maybe I should be doing more of those things on the LDR lists to make sure she knows I care.

I called her a couple nights ago and it really was awesome to see her and hear her voice. It really helped out a lot. She got her tickets to see me in March and I am super excited!!  I just got to be more mindful and make sure she never doubts my love and devotion.

My Decision to Stay

After the tragedy in Orlando, I felt that myself and my family were not safe in America any longer.  I made the decision to move to New Zealand in a couple or so years.  Just enough time to get my ducks in a row and then I was outta here with my girls.  Of course, I had a chat with their dad before all of this went down.  I told him how I would be doing this for the safety of our children.  He was okay with it.  He wanted to make sure there was a plan in place for visitations and such.

So I was on this new high.  I was able to be with the woman I love in a country that I love just as much as the US.  (Even with all the violence and insaneness, I am an American.  I will always bleed red, white, and blue.)  EJ was so excited about this prospect.  But then I started to think.  Would I be jumping ship when my country needed one more actual functioning human?  Then I had a conversation with the girls’ dad and he, at the time, was having issues with his soon to be ex and she was just letting him see his baby for a couple hours.  He is an awesome father.  He has always been there for the girls.  Can I really take the girls away from him?  My decision was no.

And with a tearful Skype session with my gorgeous girlfriend, I told her that I decided to stay in America.  She said she would come over here after her youngest was old enough to decide which parent to live with.  That age is 16.  I will have to wait 6 years until that happens.  I was distraught.  Long distance relationships are a bitch! I started to think about being with someone else.  Someone who lived in my area.  And I couldn’t even fathom it.  There is no one for me but EJ.

During that Skype session from Hell, EJ had mentioned me moving over there in a few years for a few years.  That means it wouldn’t be so long for us to wait to be together.  We chuckled at that idea.  I didn’t really give much thought about it until the next day and then the next and then another day after that.  That’s actually not a bad idea.  I can get everything sorted to move over there.  It would only be until her youngest is 16 and then we can move back at that time.

That is the plan at the current moment.  In a few years, we will live there for a few years.  I’m really excited about starting my forever with her sooner than expected.  I’m really excited to be a family with her and her kids.  It’s a dream come true!

The Last Day

My last day with EJ was pretty nice considering I wouldn’t be hanging out with her for another 9 months or so.  EJ asked me if I wanted her to take me to Rivendell or just have a veg day with Netflix and cuddles on the couch.  Of course, my nerdy self was torn.  I mean. Rivendell.  But she told me that set was taken down and it’s just the National Park it was filmed at.  I decided that Netflix and cuddles actually sounded perfect.  We had been running almost everyday was there.  To actually chill and sit next to her and do absolutely nothing sounded amazing!

And that’s what we did. Except for when we went to the mall to look for a gift for my grandparents.  They were last on my list.  And I couldn’t really find anything for them.  But EJ found these beautiful coasters that had New Zealand made of Paua shells.  I also got hats and other trinkets for brothers in law, a niece and nephew.

I really wanted to try the Kiwi Favourite burger at McDonald’s.  We headed to the food court.  She was going to get a NYC Benedict Bagel but she decided for sushi.  I wanted to try some chicken sushi.  She bought me one to try.  It was delicious.  My bestie had me try a tuna sushi roll and I almost barfed.  Chicken is better.  The Kiwi burger was really good but not as good as the Bastard at Burger Fuel.  With our tummies full and the threat of the evil one lurking at the mall soon, we made our way back home.

It was junk food day! We had ice cream, chips, popcorn, and milky bars.  We cuddled in and started watching Sherlock.  We also watched The Holiday and Crazy Stupid Love.  We didn’t go to sleep that night because I had to be at the airport at 3am.  It was just an awesome lazy doing nothing day.

I’ll just summarize the airport since it really isn’t anything spectacular.  Lots of sads.  Lots and lots of sads.  We were able to hang out for a few hours before I had to make my way through security and my way back to the States.

We kept it together pretty well even though it was killing us on the inside.  It wasn’t until that last hug.  That last kiss.  That’s when we cried.  I’m no longer going to be seeing that face. Holding that hand. Kissing those lips.  She is going to be on the other side of the computer screen once again.  It was just Hell.

The flights back to Illinois were not smooth as it was getting over to her.  On my longest flight, I was stuck in between two men.  One was picking his nose and flicking his boogers.  The other was rubbing his junk and smelling it.  Not once or twice but EVERY FIVE MINUTES.  I was so miserable.  Missing my Honey Bee and stuck in between grossness!!  I just wanted to get off this plane.  I did not sleep very well.  My flight from LAX to ORD was ok until we tried to land in Chicago.  There was a storm and they couldn’t not get clearance to land.  I was so afraid that I was going to miss my flight.  It turned out that my flight back to my hometown was cancelled and I had to spend the night in O’Hare.  I was so upset!  I just wanted to be back home with my babies.

FINALLY!  7am rolls around and I was back on my way to my girls.  I slept almost the whole flight.  It was so awesome to see my girls!  I missed them!!  I slept most of that day as well.

So, that’s that.  My long distance relationship is continuing.  I am head over heels in love with this woman.  She can’t get rid of me even though we are on the other side of the world from each other.

That One Night in Napier

I’m not going to lie.  The next few posts are going to have a tinge a sadness with them.  At this point, I only had a couple more days left with my Honey Bee.  I was a little cranky because I couldn’t take her and the kids back with me.  It was very frustrating for me to eventually not be with the ones that I love.  The ones I want to be a family with.

We pulled into the motel that we were going to stay in for the night.  I could hear the ocean waves but I couldn’t see the ocean because it was completely night time now.  I was hungry which fed into my crankiness.  We went for a walk to see what we could find to eat.  Nothing really sounded good to me.  I was leaving in a couple days.  I was sulking like any good princess would do.

As we walked past the restaurants, we would look at the menus.  Everything was so expensive and I was already feeling a little crappy because of all the money EJ had spent on me throughout the course of the trip.  She kept telling me that she saved up for my trip.  She was fine with whatever money was being spent.  I just walked past the restaurants that I deemed too expensive as my tummy gave me a rumbling that translated to “Really?! Just eat! Dammit!”

We walked past this awesome fountain that had rainbow lights in it.  It would have been an awesome photo opportunity if I wasn’t being such a sulky brat.  I decided that the only price acceptable place that was opened was the Thai place close to our motel.  We walked in and the manager said that the kitchen was closed but we could order from the appetizers.

We sat in the corner next to the window.  I wanted to look out at the night.  The restaurant was lovely.  The music reminded me of the Vitamin C Quartet.  It was soft rock music played by an orchestra.  I had to chuckle to myself when “In the Arms of an Angel” came on overhead.  My youngest always sings it when we should feel sorry for a situation or herself.

We quietly looked over the appetizers and I believe the only one that EJ would want was the spring rolls.  I ordered chicken satay.  We only spoke in whispers and they were brief questions and answers concerning what we would order.  I can’t remember if I cried or not.  EJ was trying not to.  This will not be one of our happiest moments in our history.

I was so tired, hungry, thirsty, emotional… I was just everything.  I was defeated.  I was in love.  And I would have to leave that love in over 48 hours.  I kept trying to make myself be ok.  But I was not ok.  I apologized for being the way I was and of course EJ said there was no need for me to apologize.  She understood.  I hate that I make her worry.  I know she was probably worrying that night.  Worrying that she had done something to make me upset.  She hadn’t.  I tried to reassure her of that.

We finished our appetizers and headed back to our motel room.  We settled into bed and cuddled til we fell asleep.  Tomorrow will be a better day I told myself.  I didn’t want the last couple days to be sad and upsetting.  I wanted them to be full of love and laughter.

NEXT: The Happier Version of Napier with Pictures!

My Name is Kat.

I am an American.

I am a Christian.

I am a Lesbian.

I am a Mother.

I am a Daughter.

I am a Sister.

I am a Girlfriend.

I will not be scared back into my closet.

I will not be told I can’t be a Christian, too.

I will not be quiet.

No more secrets.

My name is Kat and I am a human.  I will not let anyone make me feel less than what I am!

The Passions of Miss Vee

How could one simple thing change the whole perspective of my life?

These past couple of years has been life changing! And it’s all EJ’s fault! It all begins with her. I’m not saying that God or my girls or my family or my friends that I have been with me since the beginning haven’t shaped my life. They have. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that EJ has unlocked my life’s potential as of recently. She has opened doors to things that were long forgotten in my life. I never thought that I would have the potential to actually have a love that I could truly be proud of or encourages me to be my own independent person. She believes in me. She believes in my worth that I have forgotten or have never believed in myself. She wants me to be my own person without depending on her to make me a whole.

I know. I know. I don’t know how many blog posts I have written about her that has said the same thing over and over. But here’s the twist. This blog post isn’t actually about her. The one simple little thing I’m gushing about is downloading a magazine for a free month. This magazine is called Poets & Writers.

I have always wanted to be an author since I was a wee little Vee. I had notebooks and composition books and journals filled with stories and poems. I wish I still had those books. I remember I was writing a criminal romance story when I was in 6th grade. Oh boy! How I would love to read how I wrote back then. I can’t remember. Something happened. It’s called life.

Actually, it’s called living a carbon copy life. It’s a life where I thought I should be living because everyone else around me was living it. I was so caught up and worried about getting a man that I had no time or energy for the things that really mattered in life. Like God and my girls and my dreams and passions I used to have. I know that I’m supposed to put God first in everything I do but EJ opened that door for me to have a relationship with God. She opened that door so I wasn’t so concerned about finding a perfect relationship and focus on perfecting my relationship with my children. She opened that door so I could get back to what I really wanted to be in life. A writer!!

Ok… so that might have drifted back to why my girlfriend is so awesome. Sorry folks! Ahem… WRITING!

I’ve joined a writer’s newsletter because I was looking up ways to describe a neckline on my leading lady’s shirt as she reluctantly goes on this date. The Write Practice popped up on several occasions when I’ve been researching on being a better writer and it is pretty awesome! I’m really struggling with description and how much is too much or how much is enough. It really has some great advice. They send you articles with writing prompts attached to them. It’s really opened my eyes up a lot and it’s really started to spark my passion again. I would highly recommend this newsletter and website. Go check it out!

It wasn’t until yesterday morning when my sparks turned into a bonfire. I got a notification over my phone saying to download this year’s hottest magazines for $5 a year with a free month to start out with. Usually they aren’t the hottest magazines of the year. It’s usually Women’s Day or Cosmo or some kind of fishing/hunting/bird thing. Sorry if you read those! They are just not for me! Then I came across Poets & Writers. SAY WHAT! Well that’s me!! And let me tell you! I’m so excited!!

There’s just so much to read about. There are writing contests and grants and resources. There are so many adverts about workshop retreats and I so want to go one of those one day!

Needless to say… THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! Oh yeah. I went there.

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Are you a writer? What inspires you?

14 Days!!

After starting to talk to each other for almost 2 years and saying how awesome it would be to meet each other.  After 1 year and a half of having a concrete plan to meet. After 6 months of setting an actual date to meet. After 3 months of buying my plane tickets.  It is almost finally here!

In 2 weeks, I’ll be setting off to meet my Honey Bee. That’s 336 hours, people! I just can’t believe it! It seems so surreal. 14 Days! 20,106 minutes!!

It’s all this nervous excitement. This is nothing new to EJ. She knows my history. She knows my spazziness. (I’m so clever that I make up words!) I have this (be it irrational or not) fear that I won’t have that spark when I meet her. I fear that I’ve opened myself up too soon.  Like in my past, I fall hard. So many empty promises. Then I feel trapped. I can’t get out of a relationship because I promised these guys everything!  My record time of pity staying was 3 years.

But this what gives me hope… Those relationships were with men. This is completely different. Already, EJ shown why she is more superior to any of my past relationships.

It’s hard to give up the past. At least for me it is. I hate that I would compare my past experiences to this new and beautiful experience I am having.

Like I said. I’m a spaz. But I am so excited! I am more excited than nervous!!