The Soapbox —

I haven’t written in awhile. There’s a lot of things I’ve been mulling over and thinking about. There’s a lot of things that have happened since I last wrote. There are new nightmares, new dreams, new causes and new wants. There is more pain, more love, more intensity and more passion. With new passion comes […]

via The Soapbox —

Be the change.

Posted in Relationships, Travel

The Last Day

My last day with EJ was pretty nice considering I wouldn’t be hanging out with her for another 9 months or so.  EJ asked me if I wanted her to take me to Rivendell or just have a veg day with Netflix and cuddles on the couch.  Of course, my nerdy self was torn.  I mean. Rivendell.  But she told me that set was taken down and it’s just the National Park it was filmed at.  I decided that Netflix and cuddles actually sounded perfect.  We had been running almost everyday was there.  To actually chill and sit next to her and do absolutely nothing sounded amazing!

And that’s what we did. Except for when we went to the mall to look for a gift for my grandparents.  They were last on my list.  And I couldn’t really find anything for them.  But EJ found these beautiful coasters that had New Zealand made of Paua shells.  I also got hats and other trinkets for brothers in law, a niece and nephew.

I really wanted to try the Kiwi Favourite burger at McDonald’s.  We headed to the food court.  She was going to get a NYC Benedict Bagel but she decided for sushi.  I wanted to try some chicken sushi.  She bought me one to try.  It was delicious.  My bestie had me try a tuna sushi roll and I almost barfed.  Chicken is better.  The Kiwi burger was really good but not as good as the Bastard at Burger Fuel.  With our tummies full and the threat of the evil one lurking at the mall soon, we made our way back home.

It was junk food day! We had ice cream, chips, popcorn, and milky bars.  We cuddled in and started watching Sherlock.  We also watched The Holiday and Crazy Stupid Love.  We didn’t go to sleep that night because I had to be at the airport at 3am.  It was just an awesome lazy doing nothing day.

I’ll just summarize the airport since it really isn’t anything spectacular.  Lots of sads.  Lots and lots of sads.  We were able to hang out for a few hours before I had to make my way through security and my way back to the States.

We kept it together pretty well even though it was killing us on the inside.  It wasn’t until that last hug.  That last kiss.  That’s when we cried.  I’m no longer going to be seeing that face. Holding that hand. Kissing those lips.  She is going to be on the other side of the computer screen once again.  It was just Hell.

The flights back to Illinois were not smooth as it was getting over to her.  On my longest flight, I was stuck in between two men.  One was picking his nose and flicking his boogers.  The other was rubbing his junk and smelling it.  Not once or twice but EVERY FIVE MINUTES.  I was so miserable.  Missing my Honey Bee and stuck in between grossness!!  I just wanted to get off this plane.  I did not sleep very well.  My flight from LAX to ORD was ok until we tried to land in Chicago.  There was a storm and they couldn’t not get clearance to land.  I was so afraid that I was going to miss my flight.  It turned out that my flight back to my hometown was cancelled and I had to spend the night in O’Hare.  I was so upset!  I just wanted to be back home with my babies.

FINALLY!  7am rolls around and I was back on my way to my girls.  I slept almost the whole flight.  It was so awesome to see my girls!  I missed them!!  I slept most of that day as well.

So, that’s that.  My long distance relationship is continuing.  I am head over heels in love with this woman.  She can’t get rid of me even though we are on the other side of the world from each other.

Posted in Ponderings

The Funny Thing About Depression

I really shouldn’t say the funny. There isn’t anything funny about depression. I suppose I should say the interesting thing about my depression is that it latches on to any aspect of my life that could be better. I thought I was rid of it. I thought that my hiding in the closet was causing me sadness and shame. I thought I found my root to my depression. The fact of the matter is the root to my depression is a chemical imbalance.

Doctors would tell me that I had the possibility to not have to be on medication for my depression for the rest of my life. I always had that hope. But now that my life is really at its peak, my mind has found new and exciting ways to show me that my life is not all that great.

Like I said in my last post, I had been stressing about multiple things in my life. And my brain just can not compute all of this new information. I started talking to EJ about the possibility that I may have to go back on my happy pills. I was so worried that I would lose my creative edge. But now, I’m starting to lose interest in things that I love. This is including writing. Well, that’s a hell of a lot worse than losing my edge.

Then there are those folks that talk about how I’m just not believing hard enough. God will deliver me through the depression. Then I start feeling shitty again about not being a good enough Christian. But there is a lady at our church who has been faithful and believes with all her heart that she will be delivered from the pain and she has been in pain for years and years. Did I mention that I’m even not getting joy of church anymore? It’s hard to be a pessimist and a Christian. Well, for me it is. How can I have hope when I feel there is no hope.

I don’t even want to listen to music. I just want to sit in silence and do nothing.

This morning, I made the decision to go back on my pills. I just can’t live like this. I can’t see how anyone else can. It’s very very tough for me. I will just have to face the fact that I will not be one of those exceptions.

Posted in Adulthood, dealing with stress, Travel

We Interrupt This Stress Meltdown with Pics of Beaches

It was weigh in day toady and I didn’t do anything different except drink more water as the doctor prescribed in last weeks appointment.  I gained 4 lbs (1.8 kg)!!  WHHAAATTT???  The dieticians say not to worry about it.  Stress can be a contributor.  I’ll lose next week and maybe more they said.

Stress??  Me??  Stressed??  What would have me stressed?!?  Worrying about my young daughter’s high cholesterol counts or the fact that I won’t be able to marry the love of my life for a minimum of 6 years or that I’m wanting to write a prize winning short story in a couple weeks??  HA!  What stress??  *as clumps of hair fall to the ground*

So, what’s a better way to de-stress than to look at pictures of New Zealand Beaches.  Come along with me…

Raumati Beach, my first New Zealand Beach

Beach at Queen Elizabeth’s Park, my favorite beach of all!

Fret not my lovely readers, I will have posts up about the last day, my girls’ health, my decision to stay in the US, and my adventures in short story writing. But do not be surprised if I don’t post in the next couple days.

Posted in Travel

The Happier Napier Post with Pictures!

As promised, this is a happier post about my love’s hometown.  We had to get gas so we went looking for a BP station because she has some kind of special magical savings card that if you build it up enough you can save tons of money.  The GPS on her phone really sucks cuz her phone really sucks.  It took us down a very weird route before it got us to the station.  But I think EJ spotted the station before the GPS told us where to go.

She pumped the gas and went inside.  We were basically the only ones there.  So I sat patiently (Ha! Me?  Patient!?) waiting for her to return.  Cars pulled up and the drivers pumped and car and driver were reunited promptly.  But no EJ.  So now I’m thinking the worst!  What has happened?  Is she getting kidnapped?  Murdered??  What should I do??  What’s the number to 911 in this country??? (It’s 111 if you’re curious)  FINALLY, she comes back out.

The people in the gas station were telling her about this awesome restaurant call The Boardwalk.  They have seating practically on the beach.  It’s a lovely place to watch the sun rise and there is a plastic barrier to protect you from the wind and such.  But when EJ was explaining it to me, I really couldn’t grasp what she was trying to describe.  I guess there was a total of 3 people that suggested this to her.  Well, I guess that means we should go check it out.

We drove over and she reminisced about her days in Napier.  She told me about her school having a fun run but in fact it was not a fun run at all!  She pointed out her grandma’s house.  I also got to see where she went to primary school.  She showed me where she lived as a kid and she was very sad at the state of the house now.  She showed me the bushy tree that she would climb up to the top and slide down on the branches to the ground.  She was such a daredevil!

We arrived at our breakfast location.  It was quite a bit on the cool side and of course windy.  I was wearing what I call my hanky dress.  It looked like a giant handkerchief with a hole cut in the middle for my head and arms.  It was really low cut and the wind would catch it nearly blowing it up over my head.  Needless to say I was feeling very self conscious.  But EJ said I looked wonderful.  She makes me feel better.  I love that about her.  She says it and she means it.

The view was gorgeous out on the patio.  I felt ambitious and decided that we should sit out there.  It only took about 5 minutes before I realized that it was too freakin’ cold and windy for all of that.  So we opted for a table inside but they still had the doors opened wide and we could still experience the beach view.

We perused through the menu and it seemed like the only thing I was getting for breakfast was Eggs Benny.  Which I love!  But I really wanted to try something new.  OH!  Look at that!  Chorizo!!   That’s what I want… with a Mocha!  EJ got her Eggs Benny with bacon on the side because she loves me and gives me her bacon.  Not at all because she’s a Vegetarian!

We spent most of the time staring at each other.  We had to get our looks in before our real faces are replaced by computer screens.  We made plans to meet her sister at her house.  I was really nervous because I was going to be eating chorizo and that usually means I will need to have a potty break.  “Hi Sis!  Nice to meet you!  Can I poop in your toilet please?”  That’s a great first impression, right?

The food came out and it looked amazing!  So much food!  And I am finding out that poached eggs are possibly my favorite way to cook an egg.  The bacon was ok.  I like mine crispy.  It was not crispy.  Other than that, it was very delicious!

After breakfast, it was off to meet her sister and her sister’s boyfriend.  They were so nice!  They kept talking about how happy they are to see EJ finally happy.  Which made me really happy.  We had a good bash session for the evil one.  It seemed like no one likes him on her side.  Seriously.  Then we started chatting about the difference between America and New Zealand.  Her sister’s boyfriend is well versed in the ways of America because of the TV shows he watches.  Yikes.  That is not a good representation of the US.

We got hugs from her sister.  When she was hugging EJ, she cried.  I guess she cries every time EJ leaves.  Which I thought was sweet.  Now we are off to get ice cream cuz EJ promised!!

It was a little ice cream shack near the waterfront called Danish Delight.  We parked and made our way across the street holding each other’s hand.  It was so normal for us.  That I was a little taken aback when a kid who was probably just freshly into college honked his horn leaned out of his window and screamed, “YEAH!!”  EJ and I laughed because dudes are stupid.

We got up to the counter and I could tell by the look on EJ’s face that she was super excited for me try this ice cream.  It was adorable.  I love when she gets excited to share things with me.  I got Hokey Pokey with whipped cream, caramel, and sprinkles in a waffle cone.  EJ laughed at me because I got sprinkles.  BUT I LOVE SPRINKLES.  I don’t care if I’m 87… I will still ask for sprinkles.  Hokey Pokey flavored ice cream has like honey crunchy bits in it.  It is so good!  EJ got Devon Cream with whipped cream and caramel but no sprinkles because she likes to not give what her inner child needs.  Devon Cream tastes like milk.  It’s not vanilla.  It’s just milk flavored.  It was good but I liked my Hokey Pokey flavored better.

New Zealand caramel tastes like honey to me.  I remember EJ telling me that she hates honey.  I meant to try some NZ honey before I left to compare to see if there were any differences.  Because their peanut butter is different, maybe their honey is too.  I guess we will have to have that experiment when I go back.

After we ate our cones, we headed back.  One more day left.  And although, it was very sad that it was my last day, it was a very good day.

NEXT:  My last but not final day in New Zealand. 

Posted in Relationships

That One Night in Napier

I’m not going to lie.  The next few posts are going to have a tinge a sadness with them.  At this point, I only had a couple more days left with my Honey Bee.  I was a little cranky because I couldn’t take her and the kids back with me.  It was very frustrating for me to eventually not be with the ones that I love.  The ones I want to be a family with.

We pulled into the motel that we were going to stay in for the night.  I could hear the ocean waves but I couldn’t see the ocean because it was completely night time now.  I was hungry which fed into my crankiness.  We went for a walk to see what we could find to eat.  Nothing really sounded good to me.  I was leaving in a couple days.  I was sulking like any good princess would do.

As we walked past the restaurants, we would look at the menus.  Everything was so expensive and I was already feeling a little crappy because of all the money EJ had spent on me throughout the course of the trip.  She kept telling me that she saved up for my trip.  She was fine with whatever money was being spent.  I just walked past the restaurants that I deemed too expensive as my tummy gave me a rumbling that translated to “Really?! Just eat! Dammit!”

We walked past this awesome fountain that had rainbow lights in it.  It would have been an awesome photo opportunity if I wasn’t being such a sulky brat.  I decided that the only price acceptable place that was opened was the Thai place close to our motel.  We walked in and the manager said that the kitchen was closed but we could order from the appetizers.

We sat in the corner next to the window.  I wanted to look out at the night.  The restaurant was lovely.  The music reminded me of the Vitamin C Quartet.  It was soft rock music played by an orchestra.  I had to chuckle to myself when “In the Arms of an Angel” came on overhead.  My youngest always sings it when we should feel sorry for a situation or herself.

We quietly looked over the appetizers and I believe the only one that EJ would want was the spring rolls.  I ordered chicken satay.  We only spoke in whispers and they were brief questions and answers concerning what we would order.  I can’t remember if I cried or not.  EJ was trying not to.  This will not be one of our happiest moments in our history.

I was so tired, hungry, thirsty, emotional… I was just everything.  I was defeated.  I was in love.  And I would have to leave that love in over 48 hours.  I kept trying to make myself be ok.  But I was not ok.  I apologized for being the way I was and of course EJ said there was no need for me to apologize.  She understood.  I hate that I make her worry.  I know she was probably worrying that night.  Worrying that she had done something to make me upset.  She hadn’t.  I tried to reassure her of that.

We finished our appetizers and headed back to our motel room.  We settled into bed and cuddled til we fell asleep.  Tomorrow will be a better day I told myself.  I didn’t want the last couple days to be sad and upsetting.  I wanted them to be full of love and laughter.

NEXT: The Happier Version of Napier with Pictures!

Posted in Travel

Waitomo Glowworm Cave

It seemed like our luck had run out once we got to the Glowworm Caves.  It started to rain again.  Which we didn’t think was a big deal since we were going to be in a cave.  But what this meant was there were no more boat tours due to flooding.  We weren’t actually going to see a lot of the glowworms and it would be lucky spot one that was outside of the river.  The plus side was that the tickets were half the price.

I love walking around in caves.  I think they are very interesting.  Stalactites and Stalagmites and all that.  It’s just amazing what nature can do.  We spotted a couple of lone glowworms here and there.  It was neat!  Then the tour guide walked us down by the river and instructed us to squat down and look up.  There were tons of glowworms on the rock ceiling.  It was so cool!  You could also see them reflected off the water.

We were on our way back up when another guide came up to her and whispered in her ear.  Our luck followed us after all!  We were able to get on the boats and go out to the glowworms to get a better view!  And they weren’t going to charge us for it either!

We walked down to the boats and she used ropes to guide us into the cave.  It was like a million stars in the night sky.  It was beautiful!!  Unfortunately, we were not allowed to take pictures.  Just believe me that it was a magical ending to a magical day!

Before we entered the caves a woman took a picture of EJ and I in front of a green screen.  When we arrived at the gift shop they had a book printed of pictures of us in different scenes.  It was kind of comical.  Especially since EJ had a little green on her T-shirt and it was like you could see through her stomach.  Unfortunately, I did not have enough money for the whole book which had us posing with a sheep photobombing in front of us.  So I opted for the less expensive one because I just love pictures of us together no matter if she has a cave coming out of her right lower quadrant.

We did some souvenir shopping.  Actually, most of my souvenir shopping was done there.  There was a lot of awesome stuff there.  Then we made our way to her hometown of Napier.

I leave you with our awesome photos!

NEXT:  My girl’s hometown, Napier.