A Bittersweet Realization

I am OBSESSED with WordPress!  I love reading blogs.  I love writing blogs.  My girlfriend can attest to this because usually I start a conversation a couple times a day with “So there’s this blog I was reading…”  Followed by a playful “Imagine that” from EJ.  So let me start this post out with… So there’s this blog I was reading…

It was the standard blog post about how people can be so ignorant about the LBGTQ community.  But there was something that struck me that I had never read before.

My wife and I have been heckled in the street and spat on. We always consider where we are and who we are with, and adjust our behaviour accordingly in order to avoid drawing any unpleasant responses from people. It’s not a nice way to live.

~Laura Black – blackspotsite.com

It made me come to a bittersweet realization. I am very happy that I have found out that I’m gay. I feel more confident about who I am as a whole person. I am overjoyed that I’ve found someone like EJ. But I am also faced with the sad realization that I will probably be doing the same thing as Laura and her wife.

I will probably have to refrain from holding my girlfriend’s hand in public in certain environments.  I won’t be able to just lean over and kiss her whenever I feel like in fear for our safety.  I will never be able to introduce her as my girlfriend at church.  Who knows if I’ll even be welcome.  Which is sad because I really love that church.

I don’t know.  Maybe I’m being paranoid.  Everything is all peaches and roses at the moment because my Honey Bee and I are not faced with everyday idiocy because general public really does not know that we are lesbians.

The LGBTQ community has come a long way but it still feels like we will lead bittersweet lives of being proud and out but yet not really being able to be proud and out without being hurt.

Read Laura’s full post here: I’m a lesbian, therefore I hate men

Trouble in Paradise

Last week, the girls’ dad moved in with me temporarily. He asked his wife for a divorce about a month or so ago. This was a shock to everyone. He has something lined up with someone as far as housing in June. So not wanting to him to have to rent a hotel room weekly or sleep in his car, I extended our home to him until June.

It’s pretty cool. It’s like having one of my best friends stay with me. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he is one of my besties.

The girls took the news surprisingly well. He made sure that the girls knew that the soon to be ex wife will always love them and that she still wants to be in their lives.

We discussed about how it’s still going to be an every other weekend arrangement with the girls. I had plans this past weekend and he watched after them. He has plans this coming weekend and I will watch over them at that time.

The ex called me the next day wanting to know how the girls took the news. I told her how they were OK. She proceeds to tell me how angry she is at him. Rightfully so. She asked me how I could ever be friends with him. Well let’s take a trip down memory lane…

1. I lived in Wisconsin and he lived in Michigan when we started talking. We decided he should move in. Within 2 weeks, I knew it wasn’t going to work out but I felt bad because he moved from another state for me. So I didn’t say a word and stayed with him.

2.  I got pregnant with our 1st kid. I felt bad and wanted to stay together because of the kid. So I didn’t say a word and stayed with him.

3.  I got pregnant with our 2nd kid. I tried to keep it together but I couldn’t.  I did something that he would make him leave me instead of me being an adult and saying it’s not working out.

4. I’m very much gay.

So I really wasn’t in love with him and he is a pretty forgiving dude. That’s how we are friends. Neither one of us has feelings for the other.

She said that she wanted to visit with the girls preferably when baby daddy isn’t around. I said “Well, he has plans next weekend. We could arrange something then.” As I finished the sentence, I knew I shouldn’t have said that. Crap!! “Oh. He has plans already. Does he?” She said pretty angrily. After we got off the phone, the girls’ dad sent me a text that read: “How does she know I have plans next weekend? Not cool.”

I don’t need this. I sent her a text saying that I will never be giving her information about him again. She hasn’t contacted me back.  I’m not going to be the starter of their fights or in the middle of them.  When I came home that night, I told him to never tell me anything again. Less is more!

The bottom line is that I will always have the girls’ dad’s back. He’s been one of my closest friends for years. I like the relationship I have with him and the girls.  I’m not going to ruin that ever.

Special Ms. Vee Getting Fit Edition: The Exercise Assessment

Last night, I had my exercise assessment. Let me repeat that for emphasis… It was only my exercise assessment. This wasn’t the real thing. He just wanted to see what my current level was.

It killed me!! Not so much the weight lifting part.  I LOVE lifting! It’s so much fun!! And I was able to dead lift 135 lbs (~61 kg)! Hear me roar!! But my cardiovascular stress test… Well it stressed me out!

I have my very first actual training session with this dude that will probably try to kill me.  But that’s OK. It’s exactly what I need or my life will never change.

Hopefully I won’t be deaded and I’ll be able to tell you of my first session.

What’s your favorite part of fitness? Cardiovascular, strength training, or the couch?

The Reward System

I have heard this time and time again. When we are standing at the Judgement throne, we are not being judged whether we are going to Heaven or Hell. We are being judged on our deeds that furthered the Kingdom. We will get rewards for what we’ve done on Earth.

This does not motivate me. This confuses me. This makes me feel that even in the afterlife, we are going to feel envious of what another soul has. We are going to feel depressed because we could have done more on Earth. We are going to plagued with self doubt for eternity. How can this be true within a place that there is no longer pain or sorrow?

When I get to the Big Library in the Sky, I’m certain that I’m not gonna give one lick if one soul has a better Heaven Mansion than I do. I’ll be in Heaven with God and my family. I’ll live homeless under a bridge. I have no problems with that.

This makes me think that God does not accept me as who I am. God does not love me as much as everyone says.  And guess what? I don’t believe that one bit!

My motivation isn’t heavenly rewards. My motivation is helping others and having them feel and know that I’m helping in the name of Jesus Christ.  I’m not doing this to get a 3 car garage for my chariots.

Death and Reflection

I found out today that one of my friends and former coworker passed away last night after a hard battle with cancer.  I had not seen her in over a month. And I hate the whole feeling of “I should’ve spent more time with her.”

Death always brings Reflection for me. It makes me reevaluate my life choices. It makes me take count of how much time I should be spending with my friends and family.

I hate that death has me do all of this. I should be doing this regularly anyways. I should be asking myself how long has it been since I’ve gotten in touch with a friend. Or if this food choice good for my body. I shouldn’t need someone that I care about die.

Pffft.. Ha! Psssh…

If I had a dollar for every guy who told me that I look like Adele, I’d have… Well only $2. But still what kind of lame pick up line is that?

Don’t get me wrong… Adele is gorgeous, amazingly talented, and she’s pretty adorable during her interviews.  But am I expected to fawn over you because you compare my looks to a world famous singer? Uh no.

The most recent time that line was pulled on me was from a former flame that I spent most of my 20s trying to get him to seriously date me. I was only good enough for a booty call apparently and even more sad than that, I accepted that fact and just let myself be that. He hurt me over and over. I would let him. I didn’t know what true love was. I do now.

He went on to tell me that I was the one that got away. To which I replied, “Yes. Yes I am. But even if you did decide that you wanted to be with me, it wouldn’t have lasted. I am in fact gay.”

I have a tiny joy… Ok maybe a big joy in telling guys (especially exes who try to pull this crap on me) that I’m a lesbian. It seems to shut them up and I never hear from them again. What an awesome bonus!

I found love and she would never ever treat me like the men in the past have treated me. I think I’ll keep her. Plus, I have a feeling that she thinks I’m hotter than Adele. 😉

Happy Valentine’s Day to Me!

Yesterday, I went out of town with my kids and my little niece.  We were gone almost all of the day.  And when we came back my oldest said very nervously, “Mom, there’s something on your TV stand.”  I was freaking out because the way she was saying it made it sound like there was a dead rat on my stand.

“What is it??” I asked her.

“Just look!” She said.

I do not want to look into my room with a dead rodent upon my personal belongings.  But it wasn’t a dead thing at all!!  IT WAS FLOWERS!!!

My Honey Bee had flowers delivered to my house yesterday and my mom placed them in my room.  I was so surprised.  It was wonderful!  It also made me feel terrible because I’m neurotic.  I didn’t have anything sent to her.  We haven’t sent our Christmas presents to each other yet.  So, I thought we were waiting to exchange Valentines until after that.  I do have something for her.  I’ve ordered it.  It’s just not here yet.

The inside read “I love how we grow together.”

And then I got her Valentine’s card in the mail on the same day!  It was perfect timing!  Her letter in it was so touching.  I nearly cried!  What she had to say about us was absolutely beautiful!  She also sprayed her perfume in it.  I feel even more connected with her because I have a tiny hint on how she smells. *sniff* I open it from time to time just to smell it.

I know none of this matters to EJ.  I know I shouldn’t stress about this. Even my youngest told me that I needed to calm down.  It’s our 1st Valentine’s.  I wanted it to be special. It’s a curse to being a perfectionist. I know EJ will love anything I do whenever it gets to her.  That’s who she is.  That’s one of the MANY reasons why I adore her.

The Art of Not Knowing What You Have In Front of You

My nephew is stationed in Germany for a couple of years.  I usually feel a little bad when I don’t text him.  I worry that he thinks that I am forgetting about him.  Then I started thinking about his sister.  My niece lives in the same time about 5 minutes away from me and I haven’t sent her a text in months.

Let’s have a little perspective please.  It is important for me to stay in contact with my nephew who is stationed many many miles away.  But it is just as important to stay in contact with my loved ones that are here not too far from me.

Make sure you let all the people you care about know how much they mean to you.

It’s Officially Official!!

Yesterday morning I purchased my tickets to go visit and meet my Honey Bee face to face for the very first time!! I have so many emotions going through me at the moment. It’s just insane!!

Monday during my lunch break, I was able to obtain my birth certificate and submit my application for a passport all in under an hour. I was quite impressed with how easy it all was. Bravo, local government!

I’ve been reading tons of information on Pinterest about international travel since I am a total noob about all of this. One of the tips was to go to a travel agent with a print out of a price that you’ve found on the internet and present it to them and ask them if they beat or match the price. I didn’t think this would work because they would need to tack on some kind of commission. But I had nothing to lose. If they couldn’t give me a price that I was willing to pay, I would just walk away. I am so glad I went.

The travel agent was so nice and so excited for me that it made me even more excited. She was able to get the tickets within $100 of the price that I found and it included all taxes and fees. Plus she’s been emailing me information that she’s found that would be of value to me. I will keep going back to her for future trips.

I got my itinerary and later that night I started organizing my documents. I decided to print of maps of the airports that I will be flying in and out of. I was skyping EJ during all of this and I became a little overwhelmed. And when I say a little, I mean I was hyperventilating. My poor Honey Bee didn’t know what to do with me.

These airports are monstrous! I’ll even have to take a tram in one of them. A tram?!? There’s a friggin TRAIN in the airport!!! *gasp* *huff* *puff* *deep breath*  But I’ll be fine. I am not the only one that has traveled internationally solo. It’s been done. I’ve got this. Right?

The long and short of this all is that I am very excited and nervous about my experience. But mostly excited!!

The Cute Girl Got Eliminated

SPOILER ALERT for the those of you who watch Ellen’s Design Challenge and have last week’s on DVR.  The girl that I thought was really cute got eliminated.  I’m very sad that I no longer have eye candy when I’m watching that show.

Don’t worry there will be some insight in this post besides my little reality TV crushes no longer being in my life every week.  This is currently important because I am still very uncomfortable with being myself.

Back when I was “straight” I could jokingly say “If I were gay, I’d be all over that!”  But now that I am gay, I can’t find the balls to say that I find a girl attractive when it really wouldn’t have been a big deal to anyone who was watching the show with me.

Another issue that I’m having with this is being self conscious about when I comment that a guy is attractive. “Will they think I’m not gay if I say that I still crush on Johnny Depp and Tom Hiddleston?” I have always said that men were nice to look at but having relationships with them… Well… *shudders* I think it is the same idea when straight women say another woman is beautiful or gorgeous. Oh! That’s good! I’ll use that as my argument if I were faced with such a conversation. But again, I probably will never have that conversation because most of this stuff is all in my head.

Someday I hope to be able to openly say that I find this actress attractive or that I could watch that female carpenter work with her hands all day everyday!  But I guess for now, I’m still growing in confidence.  And that’s ok.  I’ll get to be big ole gay self without any restrictions and it’s going to be fabulous!