These past couple weeks have been stupid and I’m done. I’m claiming victory in Jesus Christ.
As I watch the news in the morning or scroll through my Twitter newsfeed, I’ve come to realize that a lot of us are in need of something. Obvious and cliched answers float through my mind. You need a hug and you over there need anger management courses. You need to let it go. You need to be laid. And you need to be impeached.
Most of the time, I feel horrible as I sit behind the keyboard passing silent judgement (I would never have the balls to say what’s on my mind). I am very aware that I’m missing something in me as well. Life is going great for me currently. I’m the closest to God than I have ever been before. I have healthy and (most of the time) happy girls. My friends and family are the best and after I came out, they have been absolutely stunning. I’ve found the love of my life. And one of my lifelong dreams will soon come true as I am so very close to finishing my first draft of my first ever novel. So, what on Earth could be missing from my life?
Many times I feel bored and that boredom becomes paralyzing. I get too bored to write. I get too bored to play with my kids. I get too bored to talk to my love. I get too bored to fellowship with God. This becomes maddening to me because I am so very busy. How could I ever be bored?
In the mornings, I read three different devotionals on my Bible app I downloaded on my phone. One of the devotions I’m reading is called Financial Fitness by Rick Warren cuz let’s face it… I am TERRIBLE with money. I’m getting better at it but I still have a lot to improve on. I digress.
The devotion I was reading one particular morning titled ‘Use Your Money to Grow Your Character‘ gave me an A-HA moment (one of my favorite moments to have). I really loved this lesson because it talked about growing your character (in case you didn’t figure that out by the title) in different ways with your money.
Pastor Warren’s suggestions included purchasing Christian books and CDs. Even purchasing classes to learn a new skill. What a great idea! I got bored with life because I wasn’t investing in my life. Relationships with God, my kids, my partner, my family and friends are very important. Don’t misunderstand when I say I was bored with the connections earlier in this post. But I found that I was interacting with them in the same way. Talking via text, mundane talks about how everyone’s day was. Things of that nature were getting me down.
Investing experiences with all whom I love is what I should be doing. Learning new skills so that I can bring more to the table during conversations is what I should be doing. Encouraging my children to invest in themselves and others around them is what I should be doing.
This isn’t only a Christian thing either. Whether you’re atheist, agnostic, Buddhist, Muslim, or worship the spaghetti monster, you should be investing in your character.
Going out and experiencing life is another way to enrich your character. Go to the new Thai restaurant that you’ve always wanted to try. Go to that art gallery that you’ve always wanted to go to as you drive by everyday on your commute to work. Talk to actual human beings (this one will be a toughy for me being an introvert and all). Ask your kids what kind of experiences they would like to have and make their wishes come true.
You might find out a little something about yourself and your character. And that’s always a beautiful thing!
So, what has your ole Kittie Kat been doing for a the past couple months? I have been actually pretty busy. And sometimes so upset that I couldn’t do anything at all. It’s just been a real rollercoaster of a ride already in 2017.
I’ve been writing. I’m hoping… Scratch that. I will be completing my first draft of my novel by the end of next month. Writing has been a great experience for me. I have always wanted to publish a book since I was in 3rd grade. And here I am about to finish my first draft of my first ever novel in a little over a month. I’m just so excited. 8 year-old me would be so proud.
It has been really hard. I had this vision of what I wanted to write about but it evolved into something more. I loved that it evolved into something that might help a reader. I hope the readers will connect with the characters and find strength and courage at times when they feel they don’t have it. This is why I wanted to be a writer. I’m hoping to help people gain a different perspective. But it was hard to come up with new material. I didn’t have enough but I’ve been doing pretty well at it. I’ve reached over 50k words and it only took me 2 months after NaNoWriMo. Ha!
I’m also preparing for my Honey Bee’s arrival to the States in almost a month!! EEEE!! I’m so excited! I can’t wait to show her around the Midwest. Although, how am I going to top New Zealand?? Plus it will still technically winter. Winter in the Midwest vs. New Zealand any day of the year. Yikes!
I do have lots of fun things planned for us and the girls. I can’t wait to show her the places where I have childhood memories. I can’t wait to take her up to Wisconsin to meet my crew up there. I also have things planned that I’ve never been to or done. So, that’s exciting as well. I, unfortunately, won’t be able to take the whole two week off. That’s going to be weird to go to work while she’s at home. Those days are going to be the longest days ever! AAAAHH!!!
Of course, the new US Administration has me straight up buggin’. I am now at the point where I don’t even care. I don’t care what that stupid head tweets. I don’t care that they are defending the fact that numbers at the inauguration where the most ever. What I do care about is Americans. I care about human beings. That’s where my energy is going to go towards.
I’ve actually stopped logging into Facebook unless someone close to me mentions me in a comment. I’ve even stopped going on Twitter. I’m exhausted from it all. It’s going to be an exhausting 4 – 8 years for us. I’m leaning towards 8 because he’ll never get rid of the electoral college in favor of the popular vote while he’s in office. He’s still arguing that Hillary only won the popular vote because of millions of fraudulent votes. UGH! I’m wasting my time aren’t I? After I said I wouldn’t.
Also, I either had the stomach flu or food poisoning this week. Either way, there was a lot of violent vomiting that made my torso muscles sore even days afterwards. Still feeling it now.
But, yeah. That’s what I’ve been doing. Writing. Reading. Breathing. Vomiting.
What have you been doing?
Now that I’ve put some serious effort into having a relationship with God, I can totally tell the difference when I make time for Him or not. I haven’t been in my Bible for weeks (minus when I’m at church) and I haven’t read any devotionals like I have been. And let me tell you, it’s a weird feeling when I’m aware of the changes. A couple of days ago is when I realized that I needed to get back into seeking God and focusing on Him.
For those of you who may not know, Kate McKinnon is my celebrity crush at the moment. I know she’s been around forever but I didn’t start fangirling on her until I saw the trailers to Ghostbusters (gun licking, amiright?). But I was able to keep it under control because I focused on God and building a closer relationship with Him. Once I stopped devoting time to my faith, the obsession grew to the point where I would watch every YouTube clip of Kate I could get my greedy little hands on. I would also watch Ghostbusters every night before bed. (I wish that was an exaggeration.) Then a couple days ago, I finally realized that this got out of hand. Idolatry came to my mind.
Idolatry doesn’t have to be you worshipping a golden calf or a different god(s). It is anything or any person that takes away time from God. Ouch. I was worshipping Kate instead of God. Yikes! Then a little voice in my head tried to convince me that it was ok watch all the clips and movies. It was fun. Kate was funny and hot. Why would I want to deprive myself of that? That’s when I really had to take a step back and reevaluate what was going on. It wasn’t healthy. Not only that, I was disrespecting my beautiful better half. I’m sure that she was tired of me going on and on about this celebrity. Even though she would never say it. I started feeling icky.
Other behaviors started creeping back in as well. I started cursing a lot more. I’ve been really irritable and I started thinking the worst case scenarios about EVERYTHING! I always thought it was because I wasn’t on my happy pills. But I’m on my full dose and half and I’m still having these issues.
Now my focus is to be more focused on God because I’m really not liking the person I’ve started to become in these few weeks. I know others probably haven’t noticed but I’ve really started know the difference. And I’m thankful that I can correct it before it got too out of hand.
Keep me in your prayers!
I see so many bitter and angry people in my everyday life. I think of my friends and family with their grudges and negative opinions. And believe me, I have my fair share of begrudgedness. (Wait… that’s not a real word??) All I can think is that people need to tap into forgiveness.
It’s pretty easy for Christians… ok… it’s little easier for Christians to dole out some forgiveness. It’s a really big deal for us. It says in the Bible that if we don’t forgive others then God won’t forgive us. Translation: a one-way ticket to Satanville. It’s commanded of us to forgive others. But it shouldn’t be just a Christian thing or a religious thing. It should be a human thing.
There’s real release and peace through forgiveness. Even the scummiest of the scums need forgiveness from you. Not because you’re ok for what they have done. Do it because it will give your mind a little bit more rest. You’ll be able to be receptive to peace of mind.
Don’t get me wrong. Forgiveness is SUPER HARD!! Depending on the offense that was given to me, it could take me weeks or months to forgive someone. It takes longer to forgive myself. But keeping that all pent up inside yourself and your soul will slowly eat you up alive. It’s not a great feeling.
Let’s face it. Humans can really suck. I’m an optimist though. I feel that if we give out as much forgiveness and grace as possible, we might affect the humans around us. And it will be a ripple effect because they will in turn affect the humans around them and so on. At least that’s my dream. That’s why I try to forgive as much as possible.
Just take the time to forgive right now. This second. Don’t hold it in. It may not change the human that did you harm but it will help you to slowly heal yourself and help you move on.
My prayers are with you.
“It meant the world to hold a bruising faith. But now it’s just a matter of grace” –To Sheila by The Smashing Pumpkins
I have been out for about a year. When I say out, I mean I’ve told key people in my life. The entire world doesn’t know yet. Such as my personal religious leaders and people of the churches I’ve been to. The main part my sexuality journey is coming to an end and I know that it won’t ever really end. I’ll be meeting new people and possibly the journey will pick. Not to mention how this journey will affect my children’s and future step-children’s journeys. How many times can I say journey in a paragraph? The answer is 5.
I have been starting to feel more confident in who I am in the Lord and not caring what others think. By that I mean, I felt I was no longer controlled by guilt and shame because I am attracted to women and for being in a healthy and supportive relationship with a woman.
I had been stewing for about a week about this Bible study we were planning to do. “The first two sessions talk about how homosexuality is a sin.” That phrase my sister said kept ringing in my head along with my answer of “It is what it is.” Why was I having an issue with this now? The Bible does say that. Even though I believe that what I am going through is different. I feel confident in that. I do not believe that I am openly living in sin any greater than the next person.
A couple of weeks ago I called to get into my therapist because the guilt and shame was tearing me up at the time. I kept having conversations with myself along the lines of “Will she (my sister) believe me that I’m right with God and gay?” “Who really cares?? Are you trying to impress your sister or are you trying to have a meaningful relationship with God??” By the time my appointment rolled around, I felt right with God again but I decided to keep my appointment anyways for a couple of reasons. 1. Because I wanted to get out of work. 2. I wanted to just vent to someone that was a neutral party. Let me tell you! That session was an eye opener and a boundary pushing type of session.
He told me that my relationship with my sister is toxic because I am putting her thoughts and opinions higher than anyone else’s even higher than the love of my life’s thoughts and opinions. I could even go as far as saying even higher than God’s. I never thought of it that way but it was! He told me that I needed to tell her as soon as possible to butt out of my journey. I was so jazzed up after that session that I knew I was going to tell her on Saturday. I could do it. I am an adult! I am my own person!
I must tell you that my experiences with confrontations have never been good. I prayed to God and asked Him to give me the strength He gave Moses. If you don’t know why I was praying that prayer, it’s because Moses had a speech impediment and he was not a good public speaker. But with God’s strength he led the people of Israel out of Egypt from slavery. Surely, God could spare me a little strength to speak to my sister about my thoughts and feelings.
Oh man! It went HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY wrong! It was so bad! I told her what I felt and it came out all wrong. Then she said “not to start a fight but…” Famous last words!! Within 5 minutes, it became a screaming match. “I don’t want to sit and hear a guy saying that homosexuality is a sin!!” “It says it in the Bible, doesn’t it?!?” Back and forth. “You’re distracting me from aligning myself with God. Instead of focusing on Him, I’ve been focusing on you and your life.” “How is it my fault?!?” Looking back at it now, I was putting all the blame on her and not expressing how it was my issue. I was distracted because I was looking at her life and not at Jesus’ life. She kept yelling that I was internalizing these things. And for some reason my brain knew that’s what I was trying to say but my mouth was not getting the memo. I kept yelling that people are saying I’m going to Hell. She kept yelling no one is telling me that.
She asked me if I knew God loved me why am I saying these things. I had no clue why I was saying these things. I wanted to present my case as the confident and self-loving Kat that I became because of my walk with God and my self-acceptance. Instead, I presented my case as bat crap crazy Kat. I think she must’ve thrown confident Kat down the stairs because crazy Kat was in control from the moment I tried to tell my sister my case. And crazy Kat only got crazier when my sister kept telling me that I shouldn’t be deceiving myself about what is right and what is not a sin. Even more so when she said that I couldn’t twist the Bible when I said I have plans on marrying EJ. After lots of screaming and hurt feelings not only by the two of us but also involving my mom and oldest kid, I retreated to my room. I read the Bible and cried and prayed. It was not a very good day at all.
I’ve been reading a blog called A Gay Christian’s Journey and it’s really helped me out a lot. Just like Nathan, he also went to Seminary and Ministry school. He is well versed in the Bible and theology. His blog like many others have been very helpful in reconciling my faith with my sexual identity. He sounds so confident in himself and in his walk with God. I want to be that way.
I was reading his blog post called The Stages of Coming Out. As the title reveals, it talks about the stages of coming out. At first, I was just going to glance at this post because I’m already out so why do I end to educate myself on the stages? I found out that according to his stages I’m not fully out. He described the sixth and final step like so:
“The sixth step is positive self-identification. You can probably accept that you are gay before you come out, but even after you come out there will probably still be some guilt, shame, fear, guilt, confusion, misunderstanding, and other emotions. Coming out is often perceived as some fall from grace onto some sort of slippery slope that leads to some sort of “lifestyle” that allows others to dictate and determine your identity, but only the last part of that is true. Be who you honestly believe God created you to be, live your life according to what you believe God’s Word celebrates, and use the gifts that bear the kind of good fruit that can only be reaped and sown by only someone who with an intimate relationship with Jesus and someone through whom the Holy Spirit works. Identify yourself positively, and be confident enough to accept that that will never look the same for everyone.”
Like the lyric in the beginning of this post states, “It meant the world to hold a bruising faith.” I have held on to my bruised and banged up faith for so long. It’s still very tender. And even just last week it was bruised some more by a family member who essentially told me that only the straight people are blessed the sacrament of marriage. Now, it’s just a matter of grace to heal my wounded faith. Mine and my sister’s relationship has been healing in a very speedy way. Thank goodness that she is a good Christian woman. She’s already forgiven me and I’m just now starting to forgive myself. I’ve also forgiven her as well. Maybe I’ll do alright.
I can’t wait until I am in the final stage and embracing it. It’s going to be such a load off of my shoulders. Jesus has already told us to take up His yoke because the burden is light . I’m learning to do that every day.
The Bible fascinates me. Jesus fascinates me. Christianity fascinates me. I wanted to learn more about the Bible and the history of it but I didn’t want to go to college for it. I mean I would love to but 3 or 5 years to complete it… I’m just not young enough to do that. Plus, I would be paying off my student loan even after I was buried!! I went online to search for courses for everyday people like me. I came across courses that were free. Right on!
I signed up for Dimensions in Faith from Cornwell-Gordon Theological Seminary. Of course, these courses are faith based and used to teach leaders of the church. They are laden with statements of “This is the way it is because God said so” and the like. I’m not sure what I was expected but I was hoping for an unbiased and logical course. But I am pretty excited to start this course. They have the history about the church and religion. I love history!
I wanted to start a theology course because I am not very equipped like a lot of the Christians. I tried to have a rational adult conversation with my sister last week. And let me tell you… it ended up extraordinarily bad. I was only a couple sentences in until I went bat crap crazy and started screaming things that even today I’m having a hard time forgiving myself. I feel that hopefully I can get a better understanding of the Bible and I will be able to get my points across in a rational and Christ-like way. But just thinking about trying to get my points across even with a new found knowledge of the Bible sounds exhausting.
Right now I am learning how to interpret the Bible. It is VERY interesting. There are a lot of things that I would like to say people who oppose same-sex relationships based on Biblical material. And I’ve only gotten through 3 lectures! The professor states that humans can make mistakes and to follow the direction of the Holy Spirit. He said that we should interpret the Bible for ourselves personally. I also learned about historical context which is used to support various modern doctrines such as allowing women to preach. I’ve also seen it used to help support homosexuality as an orientation. It’s just all very interesting and I may or may not have a blog post about historical context. We shall see!
I also wanted to take course on World Religions. I would love to see how these religions came to be and what makes them tick. If Christianity is the only true religion, how did these religions come about. I did a google search on World Religions Free Online Course and I came upon this news article from Huffington Post. Harvard University launched a free online course called Religious Literacy in hopes to bring understanding to each religion.
“To combat this illiteracy, Moore and five other religion professors from Harvard University, Harvard Divinity School and Wellesley College are kicking off a free, online series on world religions open to the masses. The courses are being offered via an online learning platform called edX, which Harvard University launched with Massachusetts Institute of Technology in 2012.”
I was super stoked to sign up for this course. I’m only halfway through the first module of this one but it is very interesting to know that Christianity is not the only religion where believers cherry pick their scriptures for their own personal gain.
The reason why I’ve chosen to take this course is because I am very interested in what the beliefs of these religions are and why they believe they are the one true religion.
I can’t wait to see what more I learn from both courses. I love learning new things and I’ve really missed school! NEW SCHOOL SUPPLIES FOR ME! WEEEE!!