I am working overtime on some weekends because we are so far behind. This new system sucks. It wouldn’t suck so much if I was actually trained on it and not teaching myself how to use it. But this is not what this post is about.
One of the doctors was on call this particular Sunday. She is a very nice lady. But she does make all the support staff do more work than necessary. She saw me at my desk and came in to ask if I was here working extra because of her. I told her no and it was because the stupid system is stupid. Well, maybe I didn’t tell her like that but that’s sure what I was thinking.
She went on to ask me how my kids were and she asked me if I am married to their dad. I told her no. She asked me if he was married. She thought I could get back together with him. I said he’s married to someone else. She let out a sigh that she felt bad for me. She asked me if I am with someone else. I told her I was.
Doctor: Is he nice to you? At least, somewhat.
Me: (without skipping a beat) Yes.
I led her to believe I’m with a man. She is a traditional Catholic woman and it sounds like (by the way she asked if “he” was somewhat nice to me and word around the water cooler) she’s in a traditionally unhappy marriage. I really don’t want my employers to know that I’m gay. It has NOTHING to do with me being ashamed of it. It has to do with job security. I really don’t know how my employers are with gay employees. Personally, I only know of myself being gay. I don’t know if any of my co-workers are. I just don’t want to stir anything up until I know for sure how would be treated and not until I’m married at least. I can’t deny I’m with a man when I introduce EJ as my wife at work functions.
Thanksgiving was pretty cool this year! Let me expand on that.
First of all, Thanksgiving landed on my Honey Bee’s birthday this year. Even though they don’t observe it in New Zealand, it was still pretty cool to me! And I am so thankful for her and her kids! She said that my mom posted a happy birthday post on her Facebook Wall. I love that!!
Secondly, the Thanksgiving lunch feast thingy wasn’t all that bad. I’m pretty much very socially awkward. I don’t like being around a ton of people. Especially acquaintances. This year we went to my oldest sister’s in-laws. We went there because my nephew was there and he’s leaving for Germany for 3 years on Monday. So, of course, I was going to be wherever he is.
My family stayed in the dining room which was very comforting to me. We had some laughs and good food. Then we bothered our kids with tons of pictures cuz that is how we do.
Thirdly, my kids and I went home and had a quiet evening. I watched a movie with my youngest as my oldest slinked away to my room to watch YouTube videos. I also did some coloring cuz now I’m obsessed with this whole adult coloring your stress away stuff.
Lastly, my older sister came home with my baby niece. We watched the football game. Bears vs. the Packers. BEAR DOWN!!!
My Honey Bee sent me a text saying that the football game was on over there too. So we watched it “together”. It was so neat! Even her kids were cheering on Da Bears. My sister was teaching her the rules of the game and asking her non football related questions. Which makes me so very happy!!! I love when my family interacts with my girlfriend. It gives me the way fuzzies.
Most importantly, DA BEARS WON!!! Woo hoooo!!! We won against the Packers in Lambeau Field on Thanksgiving during the whole Brett Favre honoring-retiring-his-jersey-number-thingy. *does a cartwheel poorly*
All in all, I can honestly say this was one of my favorite Thanksgivings.
Last week, my family and I went to Fort Leonard Wood Army Post for Family Day and Boot Camp Graduation of my oldest nephew. We are so proud of him!! He was transformed from a teenage boy to a man. We had so much fun going to different places around the post and doing little things like eating Taco Bell with him because he hadn’t had Taco Bell for 7 months!
As I sat in my chair during graduation and looking at all the soldiers (not just my nephew), you can tell they were different. They weren’t like “civilians” as they called regular everyday people. They were trained and disciplined. You could tell with their demeanor, how they talked, how they stood, and how they walked and/or marched. I’ve been reflecting on this since I’ve been home. I’ve been reflecting on what one of the commanding officers said during her speech. All of the training and all of the honing they had to endure to become a sharpened weapon. This made me reflect on my spirituality.
There have been a lot of things going on in my life currently that have been taking a toll on my happiness. I’ve been trying to keep my heart full of love but it’s being squished by some disappointments, sadness, and even anger. Like I said in my post about my heart having no room for sadness and anger, there isn’t any room for those. Of course, I’m human and those emotions do come busting in.
I’m trying to set different things up in my life to help deter those unwanted emotions down to a minimum (we can’t get rid of them all or we would be a creepy happy robot). But no matter what I have in place, I don’t follow through. I could say I’m going to meditate more. But it doesn’t happen. I could say I’m going to pray and study the Bible more. But the days slip away from me before I realize it’s been a week and I haven’t put forth the effort. I could say I’m going to start writing a journal that has all the things I’m grateful for and blessed with. But I would see the journal collecting dust on my book shelf. Then I realized last week what key ingredient I’ve been missing all along. Discipline.
I didn’t know what I was missing until I watched my nephew and his platoon quoting the Army Creed. I didn’t notice what I lacked until I saw every soldier march in near perfect unison. I need discipline. My nephew didn’t have it until after he completed his training. That’s what I need. Discipline. Having a couple of Drill Sergeants yelling at me wouldn’t hurt either. But since I don’t have those at my disposal, I’ll just have to recruit some Drill Sergeants of my own. I’ll recruit my toughest friends and family members to help keep me on track.
I need discipline. I know it’s going to take several months. My nephew didn’t become a soldier overnight and I won’t become disciplined overnight, as well. Say a prayer for me!!
Something special happened when I met someone at my age and have her turned my world upside and rearrange what I thought about relationships and love.
When I met her, we were both saying that we were Bi. As time went on, she blew that all apart. I was scared and a little crazy (OK, maybe a lottle) about my sexuality and then she showed me what a true partner was supposed to be. Loyal. Supportive. Trustworthy as well as trusting. Caring. I could go on and on about what her character traits are. I’m just trying to get my point across that I know now what a healthy relationship looks like and what it feels like. And I’m never going back again!!
She tells me that she never makes a big deal about her birthday but that was before she met me. Her birthday is a big deal. Especially to me.
365 days I was blessed with her smiles. 365 days I was able to hear her giggles. 365 days of nerdy fandom discussions. 365 days of feeling like I am the most beautiful person in her eyes. Even when I didn’t look so beautiful. 365 of hearing her amazing kiwi voice telling me that she hearts me. 365 days of her eye rolling when I say don’t understand why they say toMAHto but not poTAHto.
Here’s to another amazing 365 days. I look forward to every one of them. They will always and forever be a big deal to me. I don’t think there will ever be enough days to tell you how very special you are to me.
I received a couple texts from my friends about another friend’s rant about Spirituality on Facebook. One of my friends is a very very close friend of his and she was shocked and a little disturbed by the post. He is a militant Atheist. I am no stranger to his rants. At one point his brother was major into religion and so his sole purpose in life was to convert my friend. The problem with that is you can’t shove religion down an Atheist’s throat especially since he has a vendetta against God. So every time his brother would post something religious on Facebook, my friend would post back with intense ferocity on why Jesus sucks.
My friend was one of the reasons why I left Facebook. Although, it may have been unintentional, his rants about Spirituality felt like emotional and verbal abuse. He never directed any posts towards me but when you are bad mouthing something I have a firm belief in to the extreme, it’s hard not to be very hurt about it.
My other friend and I talked about how it is pretty ridiculous how angry he is at God. For someone who doesn’t believe, he sure does have a personal battle with Him. He really needs Spirituality in his life. He is so angry at everything. It’s exhausting to think of all of the anger in his heart. I feel so sorry for him. I wish he could just shed all of his anger off. I wish he could just let everything go. He has a little girl to take care of. He shouldn’t be so angry. I hope his little girl doesn’t grow up with the same anger issues.
Here’s the exchange I received from a different friend:
Friend: Wow his last post… was crazy. I understand it’s hard to believe in something that isn’t there but I would hate to be wrong when I die!
Me: It’s hard to believe. Yes. But once you start believing and seeing all the miracles at work in your life, it’s even harder not to believe.
The post must have been his worst yet if I’ve received messages from two other friends. I’m not going to read it. I was curious at first. But I know what things like that do to me. I could say that I’m stronger than I was before and I could handle it. I know that I would be lying to myself. There is no way I could handle it. There’s no room in my heart for sadness and anger to take up residence in my heart. When those emotions enter, some of my love and peace have to leave to make room. And I refuse to let that happen to me again.
As I’m dealing with this whole BD and Wife mess, my friends and family have been on my side. It’s nice to know that I’m not the crazy one for once. Ha! Here’s an exchange I had with my sister:
Sis: I wouldn’t have told them.
Me: Well, I didn’t want them to find out by the girls just blurting it out.
Sis: So! That’s how they find out! I wouldn’t have told them.
She was holding her daughter, my baby niece, on her hip. As she looked at her, she told me this:
Sis: I’m going to have to have a conversation with her one day. I’m going to tell her that it’s not the life I want for her. It’s not even the life I want for you. I don’t love you any less or differently. I just wanted to let you know so that you’re not hurt.
Well, of course, I’m going to be hurt. Being gay isn’t a curse. Of course, there were times that I would cry to God to make me not gay. Make me celibate. Take these feelings away. Life would be so much easier if I were straight. I used to think it was a curse. Until I met EJ.
Yes. There are so many struggles with being gay. I actually haven’t even started to have any. Just this mess with BD and Wife. Then my sister says something like that to me and expects me to not be hurt. She’s going to teach her little girl that being gay is wrong. And that makes me sad and it does hurt.
I have found out now that I’m out that I don’t know how I was living any other way. I was living a half-life. Now, I’m living my life to the fullest and loving beyond my heart’s capacity. I am more compassionate. I am more aware of the universe around me. I want to help the human race more than I have ever wanted. I want to further Jesus’ kingdom. All because I am gay.
What is sad to me as that my sister would rather have me live a life where I’m ashamed of my feelings. Where I won’t be able to spend my life with a partner that I love. She would rather me settle with a man and never really truly happy. I certainly don’t want that life for myself or my little niece.
This may not be the life she chooses for me, but if I had a choice, I wouldn’t choose any other life for myself.
Do not talk about your relationship with your sister.
No matter if she accepts who you are and says that your walk is your own, it’s still awfully awkward. I have plenty of people to talk about relationships with. My sis will not be one of them… For now at least.
She did say something about my dating someone over 8k miles (13k km) is a defense mechanism so I don’t get hurt.
Believe me. I didn’t go out looking for a woman to date whilst I was fangirling over Tom Hiddleston. There was no intentions to fall for my Honey Bee. It just happened.