Posted in dealing with stress, God, homosexuality, spirituality

I Don’t Have Fingernails

Me: “I chewed my fingernails.”

Honey Bee:  “Awww honey.  Stress/Worry or habit?”

I posted a while back about having fingernails because my girl helps melt the stress away.  But sometimes when there are stressors piled on top of a worn out mom who is pmsing hardcore, it just happens.  Technically, I still have nails on my right hand.  It was the left hand that I went to war with.  I know it’s a disgusting habit.  But when I get this way, I don’t realize that I’m chewing my nails until the damage is done.

Nowadays, it’s an indicator that I need to step back and evaluate what is making me so stressed out.  It’s funny how I can become so busy during the week that I don’t realize that I am stressed.  I don’t notice until it’s the end of the week and I sit down and relax.  My brain is like “WAIT!  NO REST FOR YOU!!  THINK ABOUT THIS!!”

As you recall, my girlfriend’s ex is using his super powers of ultra douchery to try to get a reaction out of her.  Well, he certainly got a reaction out of me!  I wanted to go off on him so bad!  But what would that help?  I’m over here in America.  Honey Bee would be the one getting the brunt of all his glorious asshattiness.

I chewed my nails this morning.  That is the first time I had ever chewed my nails in a long time.  I looked down at the damage and instead of just looking at my fingers like it is a normal thing and bite them down so low that they hurt and bleed.  A light clicked on.  “Why am I chewing my nails?  What is the root of my nervousness or stress?  What do I need to do to correct this?”  This is amazing!  I stopped chewing my nails, filed them so there weren’t any jagged pieces that I could pick at later, and re-evaluated my well-being.

This also got me to thinking about a text that one of my very good friends had sent me:

There is nothing better than being high on life.  Don’t get too high and don’t let low points discourage you.  Respect and love yourself first!!!!  That will keep you balanced.

My bad habit is keeping me balanced.  I hope one day I won’t need to chew my nails to realize my life is a little off balance.  But for now, I’m loving the fact that I can get down the root of the problem and work out from there.

There will be awesome days and there will be some not so awesome days.  Just keep yourself balanced.  Don’t let the bad days drag you down so that you don’t experience that good days.

Posted in God, homosexuality, spirituality

Salvation Sure

I have been a Christian all my life but not until a couple of years ago I had not heard the term “salvation sure.”  This term means that you sure without a doubt that you are going to Heaven.  Up until recently, I wasn’t sure that I was going to Heaven.  I had so much condemnation I couldn’t even function as a human properly.  Now, my soul is starting to feel healthier and lighter.  And something interesting happened on my evening walk.

We have some creepy characters living in the apartment complex down my street.  I go for my evening walks up and down my street.  One of these characters decided to come out on the balcony.  I didn’t make eye contact so I wasn’t for sure what he was doing.  I didn’t know if he was watching me.  And of course, my mind wanders to wondering if he had a gun.  That’s how crazy my mind works.  Welcome to my brainpan.

As I was walking past the complex, I started thinking, “Oh great!  Watch me get shot down dead right now.  Now that my life is amazing.  I haven’t even met my Honey Bee and her wonderful kids in person.  My kids are doing great.”  And then the thought came to me out of nowhere.  “Oh well, I can honestly say I would die happy.”

Now, I’m not saying that I want to be killed by some hairy shirtless creeper on one of my relaxing evening walks.  I have so much in my future to look forward to.  Next year, I plan to meet my Honey Bee and her amazing kids.  In a couple more years, my family and I will be visiting my nephew who will be stationed in Germany.  Not to mention, wanting to start forever with my girl.  I just have so much to live her.  But I don’t fear death anymore.

I don’t fear death.

WOW!  I never thought in a MILLION YEARS that I would be saying those words.  I would always fear death.  I fear of the unknown.  What’s on the other side of consciousness?  I had no clue.  But as current events have transpired, I can honestly feel certain of the afterlife.  Of my afterlife.  And what a feeling that is!!  This is an awesome feeling and my heart just wants to burst with all this love that I have in my heart!

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Never In My Wildest Dreams

As time rolls along and as I’ve been telling the important people in my life that I am a Lesbian, I have come to the realization that I have THE MOST AMAZING friends and family in the world.  I never thought in my wildest dreams that this coming out experience would have gone so smooth.  I sometimes kick myself in my ass because I felt that my family would be not accepting.  But, I must move on and not drag myself down.

I must share this text message I received from a friend of mine who is like a mother to me.  I nearly cried.

Just an FYI, I have known for a long time and it pained me to watch you struggle with men.  I hope you know how hard it was for me to not tell you how to live.  Relate it to having to watch your kids learn something on their own.  I knew you were looking for acceptance from others but you really had to face your own demons and push thru it. I’m so happy you made it thru. And don’t you dare say, well why in the hell didn’t you just tell me? LOL.  Love ya kiddo.  Now go find your rainbow!!

I have found my rainbow.  She’s my beautiful kiwi woman that I can not wait to start my forever with!

I recently came out to my oldest niece face to face.  Her mom had already told her but it was awesome to talk to her about Honey Bee.  She is very happy for me and is excited to meet my girl.  It just seems like every person I tell the happier everyone is for me.  I just love this.

I wish that everyone’s experience was like this.  But sadly it is not.  I will be posting up a prayer request page so that if you or someone you know needs prayer you can post it up there.  You don’t even have to go into detail.  You can just post that you need prayer and I will pray for you.

I have so much love in my soul and I just want to share it with the world!

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Balancing Act

Now that I am no longer at odds with myself because of my sexuality, I’m going to start spending time working on balancing the big three.  The Mind, Body, and Soul.  I am in a much better place than I was last month.  I am out and now I can just live life.  Now I can focus on being a better version of myself.  Each day, I’m going to write down what I did to nurture my mind, body and soul.

Since coming out, my mind and my soul are feeling much more aligned in my body.  My body… well that is a whole different struggle.  People struggle with this aspect of life on the daily.  I am one of those people.  I had lost 40 pounds a couple of years ago.  I felt great!  I was happy.  I had more energy.  But then life happened.  I was in and out of the hospital for kidney surgeries and so eating right and exercising were thrown by the way side.  I gained those 40 pounds back.  I could bitch and moan about it or do something about it.  I choose the latter.

I got myself a fitbit and I am in love!!  I am so obsessed with getting my 10,000 steps in every day.  My bestie and another friend of ours has one.  We do the challenges on it.  It’s a lot of fun.  I’ve been taking the long ways around to get to the break room (which is right across from my office) and back to my desk.  I take walks after each work project I finish.  I get about 5 to 6k at work.  It’s amazing.

I’ve turned my secret lesbian journal that I kept in the closet into my balancing journal.  I list what I do each day for my mind, body, and soul.  For example:  Mind – I enjoyed scrapbooking with my mom.  It was relaxing.  Body – I made my 10k step goal!  Soul – I read in my bible study book.

I’m just so excited about my well-being.

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I’m Oooooouut!!

My therapist told me that when I’m ready to tell my sister, I won’t care what she thinks.  Of course I care.  He just meant that I would have the mindset of “If you need space, that’s fine and I will be here. I will still love you.”  I was in that mindset now.

I told my girl that I was going to come out to my sister this weekend.  I told her that I was going to ask my sister if she wanted to go out to lunch with me and then I would tell her.  I had the speech all rehearsed in my mind.  I was going to tell her that she doesn’t need to worry about me and my faith.  I was going to tell her that I have never been as close to God as I am right now.  I was actually excited to tell her and not fearful like before.

My sister came over the same night I told Honey Bee that I wanted to come out to her.  I couldn’t wait to tell her.  I was going to tell her tonight.  So, I waited until she was getting ready to leave.  I got in her car and I shut the door behind me.

“I’ve got something to tell you,” I said as my voice trembled a little bit.  I was surprised that I was still nervous even though I was fully confident.

“Ok?” she replied quizzically.

“I was very afraid to tell you this for a long time,” I stumbled and studdered over the speech I had prepared in my mind. “I didn’t want our relationship change.”

“This is not sounding too good,” she sighed. “Would you spit it out?”

“I’m gay.”

“I know. So?”

I stammered.  I was completely caught off guard. “I just didn’t want our relationship to change.”

“Why would our relationship change?  I still love my best friend’s daughter and she’s gay. I love you way more than I love her.”

“I don’t know.”  I was starting to feel silly about all of this worrying.  “I love you.”

“I love you, too.   I wouldn’t tell my best friend though,” she giggled.

So that was that.  My therapist called it.  She knew all this time.  She probably was planting seeds to let me know that it was ok to be gay.  I told her I didn’t want her to worry about my relationship with God.  She told me that my walk with God is my own and that she has nothing to do with that.

SERIOUSLY!!! WHAT A RELIEF!!!!  Now it was time to tell my mom.  Which I never worried about her reaction.  I know that she could careless.

My mom was in the kitchen cleaning up from decorating a cake.  “So, I just told my sister that I’m gay.”

“Oh,” Mom giggled nervously.

“I guess I wasn’t hiding it.”

“Nope,” she replied and then carried on to the next subject.  She acted like there was no reason for me to bring it up.  It wasn’t a big deal and it wasn’t necessary for me to come out.

Now, when I say I’m completely out, I mean I’m out to people who I feel would be hurt if I didn’t tell them. I’m not going to blast it on Twitter or mass text to my entire contacts list. But if someone asks, I’ll let them know. I’m not going to lie about it.

This morning I woke up feeling great!  I was the same person but totally different.  I wasn’t hiding anymore.  I could be my entire and true self.  And I couldn’t have done it without God, my Honey Bee, and my amazing friends and family.  This is such an amazing feeling!  Now I just need my girl to hurry up and get here so we can start the rest of our lives together.

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Transformation: Part “I’m getting really claustrophobic in this closet.”

For many years, I was content in my closet.  It was cozy and safe.  I would let men in but they didn’t take up space.  They were nothing.  So, I stayed inside my little closet because this is how it was going to be.

I was able to stay in my closet because I thought that God would never come in here.  But He did and my love for him wasn’t very big so He was able to stay in my closet.  On the tiny shelf above my head, so I can reach up and take Him down to talk to Him when I wanted to.

Then I let my Honey Bee in and things started to change in my closet.  I allowed myself to “experiment” and then the experimentation became real.  She had taken up a lot of space in my closet.  I was getting uncomfortable and I felt smothered.  There was no room to grow and even the tiny little space I was giving God was getting smaller and smaller.  I had no room for both God and my Honey Bee.  So, I did what any girl that was raised Foursquare Pentecostal did.  I threw my Honey Bee out.

I could breathe in my closet again.  And God had His space back.  But when I would take Him down from the shelf to talk to Him, it seemed like He wasn’t really there.  I was so alone in my tiny closet.  So, I made some adjustments.

I prayed more.  I asked God to remove the closet.  I asked Him…. I should say, begged Him to make this closet go away.  To make me straight so I didn’t have to use my closet.  He heard my prayers.  He was no longer small enough to fit on my shelf.  He was growing and growing.  But my closet still remained.  The closer I got to Him, the more I wanted my Honey Bee with me.  She came back in my closet and started growing and growing with me and God.

I’m getting claustrophobic again but I didn’t mind.  I had the love of my God and the love of my Honey Bee.  But both were steadily growing at a rapid pace.  I was able to crack the door open each time I told a friend and a family member.  I was able to breathe.  But the more I cracked the door, the more God and my love grew.

Until finally, there was no more room to grow.  God has answered my prayers.  He wants me to remove the closet myself.  I’m getting claustrophobic in this closet.  And the only way I can be comfortable is to step out and let all of me live the life I was meant to have.

My closet is full to capacity.  There is no other direction than out.  It’s coming soon, people.  I’ll be stepping out.

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Room for Doubt: Part Two

I had a therapy session in the morning of the day I was having bible study at my house.  Like I said before, I was able to climb out of the pit of despair with the help of my girl.  I was able to come to the realization that if the topic of same sex relationships comes up, that I have stand firm in what I believe just like they would be standing firm on what they believe.

He asked me if there was anything new or exciting in my life.  My first topic of discussion was my meltdown.  I told him about it.  I told him that I was scared to participate in this bible study.  But I also told him I have to do this.  I have to prove to myself that I can stand tall and be firm on my beliefs.  He was very impressed by this.  He went on to ask about the relationship with my sister and how it was like growing up.

I told him that she would babysit my brother and I because she was older than us.  Mom and Dad would leave us in her care.  Mom worked a retail job so she would be gone evenings and Dad worked a swing shift so sometimes he would be gone in the evenings as well.  My therapist then asked me about my relationship with my mom.  I told him that it was ok.  I could never go to her about anything.  She was a good mom.  But I didn’t feel nurtured as much as I did when I was watched by my sister.  He said that it was interesting because what I’ve done is actually made my sister on the same level as my mom and not on the same level as me.  Because she is just my sister.  We are on the same level.  She is not my mom.  He told me that I should put her down to my level and then it would be easier for me.

He suggested that I make stronger relationships with the sister that I’ve already came out to and mom to form an alliance.  Just in case things go south with my sister.  He believes that it wouldn’t go badly though.  I have people who told me that they believe that I’m overthinking it all.  There’s no surprise there!  I just would be devastated if things did turn out badly!

The night of the Bible study was finally here.  I was so nervous that I became a little manic.  I was being overly excited and giggly.  I was pretty much a mess.  My sister let me read through the booklet that she had and honestly, I was surprised.  It was very basic stuff.  It was like Christianity for Dummies.  After reading it, I’m assuming that it was designed for the Atheists and other non believers in Christ.  This isn’t going to be so bad after all.  I felt calmer.  I’m not going to lie.  I was kind of disappointed that there wasn’t going to be a challenge of thoughts and beliefs.  I’m weird.

The Bible study started as it always has.  One of the ladies brought in books that she bought at a thrift shop.  I took most of them.  Since coming out to myself and a handful of people, I have been craving God’s Word.  I’ve been wanting to study the Bible so much more now.  It’s amazing how some people see being gay as a curse when I can’t help to think that it’s a gift.  I need God more than ever.  I’m very excited to read these books and study them.

Then my sister brought up her best friend’s gay daughter.  I was like “Oh great.  Here we go.”  I braced myself for the debate of the year.  She just mentioned that the daughter was going to church and that her girlfriend doesn’t believe but she goes with her to church.  And that’s all that was said about that.  I let out the breath I was holding.  Was this another hint from my sister that I should just come out to her??  It might be.  But I will leave that for another day.  Right now, I’m just enjoying God’s Word and fellowship.

I am honestly excited about my future with my girl.  I feel coming out is going to happen soon.  My therapist was so impressed with how I was talking and how it looked like I was genuinely happy.  He said that we didn’t need to see each other if I didn’t want to.  I told him that we should schedule a session in a month because I have a feeling that I am going to be out by then.  In case it goes wrong, I want to be sure I’ll have him to talk to.