Posted in Adulthood, Family, God, homosexuality, Honey Bee, lesbian, Relationships, spirituality

Miss Vee’s Year in Review

Phew!! What a year!!

I questioned my faith.

Started this blog in hopes of finding myself and faith again

I realized I am a lesbian.

Became closer to God when embraced who I am and realized He made me perfect.

My daughter broke her leg and had to be in a wheelchair for 6 weeks.

Went to therapy.

Asked a gorgeous Kiwi to be my girlfriend.

Came out to my friends and family.

My nephew graduated bootcamp and is stationed in Germany and we are making plans to visit in 2017.

Made plans to meet my Honey Bee in person in New Zealand in June 2016.

I hope you all had a great 2015 and an even better 2016!!

Posted in dealing with stress, Fun

My New Obsession

I have fallen into a downward spiral of obsession with these adult color books.  I remember when they first came out.  I made fun of them.  Who in their right mind would buy a coloring book for $10 when you can get a Hello Kitty one for $1?  No one in their right mind would.  But someone obsessed with them would totally BUY THEM ALL!!!

My first coloring page and I was hooked.
My first coloring page and I was hooked.

I seriously daydream about going home to color.  I think of the page I’m currently on and think “Oh yes! I can use that color next on that one particular area.” And before you know it, I’m talking to myself like Golem when he talks about his precious.  My coloring book is my precious.  *pets the book lovingly*

I started out using coloring pencils.  I got some fancy ones at the place where I bought my first color book and well let me tell you.  I got so frustrated with those.  They kept breaking apart in the sharpener.  Grrrrrr!!

My grandma came over last night while I was coloring a new page.  She said, “Those are supposed to be relaxing.  Are they?”  I’m not sure if she picked up on my manic coloring technique or how I had a look on my face that mirrored Voldemort’s face when he was finally able to touch Harry Potter’s face.  I replied, “They are supposed to be but I’ve found that it enhances my subtle OCD tendencies.”  I didn’t mention to her that it also unearths some control issues that I never knew I had.  So relaxing… perhaps not but it sure is fun!!

My Christmas present from my doctors.  THESE ARE AMAZING!!
My Christmas present from my doctors. THESE ARE AMAZING!!

The doctors who I work for gave their employees a $40 Visa card for Christmas cuz they love us.  So I bought some glorious fine tip markers.  They are amazing!!! Thank you doctors!!!!

I often stay up until midnight knowing full well that I have to wake up in 5 hours for work.  I’m sure EJ loves all of these Skype sessions where I have my undivided attention on my coloring pages (sorry honey bee!!)  But I can stop whenever I want to. *starts scratching and having eye twitches*

This is my completed marker page.  I LOVE IT!  It was so much fun!!
This is my completed marker page. I LOVE IT! It was so much fun!!

My family has told me that they got me coloring books for Christmas. Eeeee!!! So excited!!! I told my girls that we are doing nothing all weekend. I’m gonna be elbows deep in coloring pencils, markers, and new books. It’s a Christmas miracle.

I think I probably look like this when I Skype my Honey Bee whilst coloring.
I think I probably look like this when I Skype my Honey Bee whilst coloring.
Posted in exes, lesbian, Relationships

An Interesting Thing About Standards

When I was still straight or Bi, I had no standards when it came to men.  It didn’t matter their background, their personality, their moral fiber, or whatever else people have as standards.  It just did not matter.

At one point, I believe I scared my family and friends by posting on Facebook that the main criteria for a life partner is that he has to be ginger. Phew! Let me tell you of the uprising that caused! Of course, that really isn’t the main criteria. I think subconsciously I really wasn’t planning on having a future with a man.

When I started to realize the truth of my sexuality, I started to think about the future and I developed standards that all human beings should have when it comes to partners.  I was very careful about the women I thought would be a good match.  Who would’ve thought my good match would be in New Zealand?

I am no longer dating to just have casual sex or to appease my religious friend and family members. I am now dating for a future. I want to do this right and it only seems natural to me to do it right.  I’m not rushing.  I’m becoming friends first.  And I’m not jumping into bed with her. Actually that would be kind of hard to do from over 8000 miles away!  And guess what! She doesn’t mind. That’s such a beautiful thing!

I’m not worried about having sex with her right away to make sure she’ll stick around. I’m not worried about her flirting with other girls.  I’m not nearly as jealous with her as I was when I was with men.  This is natural to me now. This is healthy. This is the way it should have always been.

Posted in God, homosexuality, Relationships

My Cross to Bear

PHEW!!  The holidays are a killer especially when you have added stress of stupidity!  GAH!  Anyways, I’ve been sitting down almost every night determined to get a new blog post up.  But I just don’t feel inspired.  I had a different version of this blog post that I was going to post up but I sent it to my Honey Bee and FVL for perspective.  And I got some really good feedback.  So without further ado… here’s my updated version.

***
If you are not new to this blog, you know that I have been struggling with my spirituality and sexuality.  Since I’ve came out recently, the struggle isn’t as bad but there are some bad spurts.  Usually when I’m stressed about life or the red devil is in my belly.  And when those two factors collide at the same time… WATCH OUT WORLD.

Recently, I had been thinking about my 3rd grade teacher’s husband.  This couple is the exemplary idea of the Christian couple.  He was a pastor and she was a gospel singer and piano player.  They lived selfless lives and they were loved within the community by Christians and non-believers alike.  Several years ago, he had to have a liver transplant.  He seemed to be on the up and up.  The liver was working for him and life was great.  But then he was diagnosed over a year ago with a brain tumor that eventually took his life around Thanksgiving last year (wow!  I can’t believe he’s been gone over a year already!)  These were good God-fearing Christians.  Why did this happen?  Why did God allow this to happen?  Then I got to thinking… maybe it was their cross to bear.

Why do bad things happen to good people?  That is probably one of the most asked questions by believers and non-believers.  There are many different theories to this.  Recently, my theory had been that it is their cross to bear.  It is their test.  Jesus had to bear His cross literally and why should we as believers not have a similar cross?  Why are we so special that we should think that this life should be all easy and unicorns farting rainbows?  I start to thinking…. Perhaps being a lesbian is my cross to bear.  Maybe I’m supposed to be celibate.  Maybe I’m supposed to live my life alone.  God is all I need.  I shouldn’t worry myself with relationships.  Let alone a homosexual relationship.

Another thought occurred to me that these tragedies happen to people as a test of their strength.  God is testing them to see if they will be devout followers after all of this.  Was my homosexuality my test?  Am I supposed to roam this Earth without a partner?  Is this why He created me as a Lesbian to test my faith and strength?  I felt absolutely defeated by the prospect of this.  Which meant “turn on the shut down and distance myself from my girlfriend because my brain may explode” mode.  I really do hate that mode.  But sometimes it’s necessary to help me put my thoughts together.

I have been going to my sister’s church these past couple weeks because my girls have been in a couple of Christmas talents.  (And they did so good!  They are so talented!!)  I started feeling dizzy and all around not right.  Is my soul at odds with my “lifestyle”?  Is my soul fighting being in that church because of my sexuality?  It has been a very strange feeling to struggle with spirituality and sexuality at a church service and very distracting.  I thought that was it.  I was going to become celibate.  That’s just the way it has to be.

These past couple months have been all rainbows and glitter and baby unicorns.  I’ve been on Cloud 9 with the embracing of my sexuality and spirituality.  It has been a great feeling to have my Lord up above and my Honey Bee here on Earth loving me.  But unfortunately, I lost my footing.  It’s a long way down from Cloud 9 to what I deemed as reality.  I once again think of the text my wonderful friend sent me as mentioned in my “I Don’t Have Fingernails” post.  I think I may have gotten a little too high on life.  Now, I’m trying to not be so discouraged by this low point in my life.  What really sucks is that I go on shut down mode when I get this way.  I am trying to stay balanced.  It’s kind of hard when there’s a battlefield in my mind going off.

Fortunately, it’s been about a week since I’ve had these thoughts.  I’ve been able to talk EJ and FVL about these concerns.  I do feel a lot better about my situation.  I’ve started to come back to my life not being a giant test and that my God wants me to be happy so that I can show His Love and grace to others on Earth.

I’m not sure if I will totally get over this.  Not until at least my Honey Bee is by my side finally.  If she were here, this wouldn’t be as bad.  I just have to remember to breathe and count my blessings in the meantime.

Posted in Adulthood

What I Want For Christmas…

I find this question hard to answer more and more as I get older. I struggled to tell people this year because I honestly have no clue unless they are willing to pay for my airfare to New Zealand. But I highly doubt that is on the table.

At first I wanted one of those cute little Fujifilm Mini Max cameras.  You know, the updated version of the Polaroid. They are adorable but the film for them is outrageously priced!  So, that squashed that idea.

Then I woke up this morning and realized there was something missing in my life… A comfy cozy comforter set. Holy crap! I never knew shopping for comforter sets would be this exhausting!!! So many colors and most of them not in my teal and peachy orange nautical beachy mermaidy theme I have going on. Down… Down Alternative… Quilts… Duvets… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

I seriously thought it was going to take me all night. Maybe even a week plus an aneurysm before I made up my mind.  But there it was in all its peachy orange fluffy glory!!

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I will soon be an owner of a matching comforter set. I’m such an adult now!