PHEW!! The holidays are a killer especially when you have added stress of stupidity! GAH! Anyways, I’ve been sitting down almost every night determined to get a new blog post up. But I just don’t feel inspired. I had a different version of this blog post that I was going to post up but I sent it to my Honey Bee and FVL for perspective. And I got some really good feedback. So without further ado… here’s my updated version.
If you are not new to this blog, you know that I have been struggling with my spirituality and sexuality. Since I’ve came out recently, the struggle isn’t as bad but there are some bad spurts. Usually when I’m stressed about life or the red devil is in my belly. And when those two factors collide at the same time… WATCH OUT WORLD.
Recently, I had been thinking about my 3rd grade teacher’s husband. This couple is the exemplary idea of the Christian couple. He was a pastor and she was a gospel singer and piano player. They lived selfless lives and they were loved within the community by Christians and non-believers alike. Several years ago, he had to have a liver transplant. He seemed to be on the up and up. The liver was working for him and life was great. But then he was diagnosed over a year ago with a brain tumor that eventually took his life around Thanksgiving last year (wow! I can’t believe he’s been gone over a year already!) These were good God-fearing Christians. Why did this happen? Why did God allow this to happen? Then I got to thinking… maybe it was their cross to bear.
Why do bad things happen to good people? That is probably one of the most asked questions by believers and non-believers. There are many different theories to this. Recently, my theory had been that it is their cross to bear. It is their test. Jesus had to bear His cross literally and why should we as believers not have a similar cross? Why are we so special that we should think that this life should be all easy and unicorns farting rainbows? I start to thinking…. Perhaps being a lesbian is my cross to bear. Maybe I’m supposed to be celibate. Maybe I’m supposed to live my life alone. God is all I need. I shouldn’t worry myself with relationships. Let alone a homosexual relationship.
Another thought occurred to me that these tragedies happen to people as a test of their strength. God is testing them to see if they will be devout followers after all of this. Was my homosexuality my test? Am I supposed to roam this Earth without a partner? Is this why He created me as a Lesbian to test my faith and strength? I felt absolutely defeated by the prospect of this. Which meant “turn on the shut down and distance myself from my girlfriend because my brain may explode” mode. I really do hate that mode. But sometimes it’s necessary to help me put my thoughts together.
I have been going to my sister’s church these past couple weeks because my girls have been in a couple of Christmas talents. (And they did so good! They are so talented!!) I started feeling dizzy and all around not right. Is my soul at odds with my “lifestyle”? Is my soul fighting being in that church because of my sexuality? It has been a very strange feeling to struggle with spirituality and sexuality at a church service and very distracting. I thought that was it. I was going to become celibate. That’s just the way it has to be.
These past couple months have been all rainbows and glitter and baby unicorns. I’ve been on Cloud 9 with the embracing of my sexuality and spirituality. It has been a great feeling to have my Lord up above and my Honey Bee here on Earth loving me. But unfortunately, I lost my footing. It’s a long way down from Cloud 9 to what I deemed as reality. I once again think of the text my wonderful friend sent me as mentioned in my “I Don’t Have Fingernails” post. I think I may have gotten a little too high on life. Now, I’m trying to not be so discouraged by this low point in my life. What really sucks is that I go on shut down mode when I get this way. I am trying to stay balanced. It’s kind of hard when there’s a battlefield in my mind going off.
Fortunately, it’s been about a week since I’ve had these thoughts. I’ve been able to talk EJ and FVL about these concerns. I do feel a lot better about my situation. I’ve started to come back to my life not being a giant test and that my God wants me to be happy so that I can show His Love and grace to others on Earth.
I’m not sure if I will totally get over this. Not until at least my Honey Bee is by my side finally. If she were here, this wouldn’t be as bad. I just have to remember to breathe and count my blessings in the meantime.