I had been struggling with this lately as you can read from my lost blog post. So, I decided to reach out to someone last night. She is someone who has basically been through the same situation that I am going through right now. She has the same family background and church upbringing as myself. I asked her how she got through it and what her thoughts were on being gay and also having a relationship with God.
She said it was pretty rough in the beginning and that her mom took it pretty bad but she came around eventually because in the end her family just wants her to be happy. She says that my family would be the same way with me because of how close we are. On the subject of God, she says that she is both gay and still loves God. That will never change. She said that I could come to her anytime I wanted to. This helped me out greatly!
I am so glad to know someone that has been through it all and has the same issues and background that I face. It gives me hope and puts my mind at ease. The best part is that God is also there to put my mind at ease. I should just give it all up to Him. When I am weak, He is strong.
I had an awesome day yesterday! I got a new hair do that everyone loves, I talked to my bestie, and I was sending and receiving cute little messages from the girl that I’m interested in.
I was feeling so good about myself. I was gaining courage. I was thinking to myself, “I’ve got this!” Until I walked in my house tonight.
My sister was on the phone with someone talking about being saved and sexual immorality. And how we have to come up to the front of the church to cleanse the flesh so our spirit can live. My sister is a VERY spiritual woman. She is very kind and less judgemental of others. She even said herself that she doesn’t believe our church friend who is now in a committed same sex relationship is going to hell. I am in a bible study with her and she is always saying that Jesus has forgiven our sins from the past, present, and future.
Why did this conversation that I was overhearing strike a bad chord with me? Am I feeling conviction? Or is it all in my head? I should probably pray about this. I still have a strong belief that even though I am interested in women also that I wouldn’t be cast into Hell.
The conversation I had with my best friend last night fortified my beliefs. She has lots of gay friends who are Christians. I, myself, have a friend that is a Christian and a lesbian. She said that she went to counselling and it helped her out a lot. Maybe I should talk another friend that is from a very religious family. It seems like her family is ok with it.
I’m just having a bad night.
I know you’ve seen those memes around social media and the interwebs. “Be Yourself. Unless You Can Be Batman.” or “Unless You Can Be An Unicorn.” How fitting is this title for my first post? “Why?” you may ask.
Because I am trying to come to terms with being Christian AND being bisexual.
This should all be black and white! Right? If I want to have a relationship with a woman, then don’t have a relationship with God. If I want to have a relationship with God, then don’t have a relationship with a woman. *sigh* I wish it were that simple! I want both! I love God with all my heart! But I can not deny the fact that I am attracted to women. I can not deny the fact that there is a woman out there that meets all of the qualities I want in a partner.
I said I am bisexual. For many many years, I’ve told myself that if I’m bisexual, I can just choose to be with a man. I won’t break any religious taboos if I’m with a man. I have a friend who is a firm believer that you can choose who you fall in love with. This thought actually breaks my brain. I don’t see how you can choose to fall in love with someone. I believe that, yes, she chose her husband out of all of the online profiles on a dating site. But I can not believe that if she wanted to, she could choose not to love him. Believe me! If it were that simple, I would totally choose to fall in love with man every time.
Frankly, dating a man scares the Crap out of me. I have always felt that way. I’d rather be alone if I’m not with a woman. Maybe that makes me a lesbian. Who knows! This is all new to me.
This is what I’m scared of: I am scared of coming out to my family (like most LGBT people are). I don’t think that they will be upset and I know for a fact that they won’t disown me. I just know that they would prefer me to be with a man. I’m afraid if I do marry a woman, most of my family and friends won’t be there. I am definitely afraid of what my Christian friends think. I am also afraid of what my atheist friends will think. I am just afraid of what people will think. I know that there are people in the community with real struggles. I wish this was the biggest issue that anyone would have to struggle with their own journey. I’m not saying that all of this is terrible. (I guess I’m worried what the LGBT community thinks of me too! Geez!)
I know there are Christians out there that are struggling. I know there are some out there that don’t need to pray the gay away. God has created all of us. We are perfect in His sight. So, why is it so awful to Christians that are gays out there. Christ died for my sins past, present, and future. I will not be denied a place in heaven because I want to have a loving and supportive committed relationship with a woman.
Basically, this blog is a tool to help me form my ideas and such on this matter.